So I've been talking to my mum lately, trying to guage her opinion on homosexuallity before deciding whether or not to come out to her. I really didn't know what to think because although she is Catholic and very, very religious, she had a lot of Gay and Lesbian friends when she worked in the Daily Mail (newspaper). So I brought up the subject of gay rights and marriage and what has happened lately, and she starts to bring up her old queer friends, she says that being hetero is the 'natural order of the world' and that it shouldn't be any other way. She also said that all of her queer friends were seriously fucked up because they were brought up in a gay household, and if you are brought up by either two mums or two dads you are more likely to be screwy. She said that the lesbian community is really bitchy, and everyone is really spiteful, and this also helped her friends to get all messed up. I have no idea how much of this is true or how much is just her prejudice and ideals. I only know one thing, I can't come out to her. Anyone have any ideas about how I could change her mind without coming out to her? I need some advice.
No matter what her opinion is on homosexuality, don't try and impose your will to purposefully convert her opinions. While you might "enlighten" her on the truths about the lesbian community, an attempt to change her mind will probably only maker her angrier about the situation. Trying to persuade one's opinions is, in my consideration, utterly and completely rude and along the lines of brainwashing. People often say to me, "Chris, you should try to make your dad believe in gay marriage". I always tell people who say that "no" because I let people form their own opinions, and if they are ones I don't agree with, then so be it. While prejudice is seen as a horrible thing, sadly it is built into our instinctual behavior, and is something we do subconsiously. It is a method of structure and safety; it allows us to place certain characteristics and actions with certain beings. Say you were in the wild and you saw an animal that had a stinger; you're going to expect that all animals like it have stingers to protect your own safety.
Well first off, even though you DONT want to hear it, coming out to her is the best way to change her mind. My mom and dad would give me the "looking at a mans body who has been mauled by a bear" face when i or anyone else would mention homosexuality. They thought "gays are all sick and evil people who got to hell" still, because thats the exact message the church they are going to preaches (trust me, not exaggerating, ive been there for two years before i quit) Now my moms transition was not easy, but when i came out to her i could TELL she was changing. Parents will force themselves to change for there sons and daughters, its just what they do. I know you think your mother is never going to accept you, but trust me on this one no matter how bad it seems she can still come around. You just have to be willing to give her TIME! (and you have to start that clock once your out to her cause she wont change her mind unless you kick start that transition with coming out!) Ok, that said, there are not alot of way to change your mothers mind without coming out to her Mostly anything you try is going to have a huge risk of her thinking your a carpet munching lesbian (and yes, im sure she will jump to that, not bisexual, if you dont come out to her first). That said, you could try an "anonymous e-mail" with a link to a website or video that might help change her mind. You could also try and point out famous lesbians or your friends or her friends who are lesbians that go against what your mothers views are. If she sees examples that prove her wrong that might help change her mind somewhat. And yes, she IS wrong. Gay parents do NOT screw you up. Just use the "well what about single parents? They are half of what gay parents are!" argument and see how she re-acts to that. Oh, and lesbians are bitchy and everyone is spiteful? Well i dunno were you guys live but i live on "earth" and on earth EVERYONE is human and therefore EVERYONE is bitchy and spiteful ^^
One thing I agree with is what Greg said about how if you come out to her, her mind might change. This happened in regard to a lot of issues my dad was extremely conservative with (even though he's a liberal democrat). One example would be that he thought that only straight couples should go to prom; not he doesn't think that. I didn't try and change his opinion either about those issues; he did it himself.
I'm thinking why not pose her the situation, where there's a straight household, mum's around, dad's around and both do equal amounts of upbringing, but their child turns out to be gay. Ask her how it happened, if the upbringing and household life was so normal. It will give you an idea whether she thinks that it's a choice, or she was just exaggerating. If she thinks its a choice, then you have this little line "Do you honestly expect me to have chosen to be gay if I was going to get this much abuse and negative attention?" which is bound to get her thinking. Your mum will know best if your an attention seeker or not, so she'll come around eventually. Also, you mention that she has gay friends, I would take this to be positive, since she's not rejected them. So this will most likely mean she'll accept you, seeing as there's a very close mother/child relationship between you. Like others have said, she'll probably change her views once she knows. One question though, has she attempted to change her gay friend's views? Hang in there Bryony
It was more like she had gay friends because she pitied them, in all of their fucked -up -ness. And as to that mother/daughter bond you were talking about, it has dissapated into next to nothing, she's more like my warden now.
Hi there! Reading over your posts, my best advice would be not to come out at this stage. That said, it is the case that parents at times do take on a different tone after their child has come out to them, because then 'it hit home' so to speak, but often their prejudices/perceptions will still be present when their child comes out to them. Although coming out is often associated with 'this the best way to change things' you also have to think about what is best for you. If you feel that coming out is not an option at this point don't do it. Maybe start with creating a support network by coming out to some of your friends, teachers, by joining a LGBT group.... Now that doesn't mean that you can't talk with her about it. You could 'probe' ever so slightly. Pick up on a couple of things that your mum said about her gay/lesbian friends and probe a bit further. If you see that your mum is getting angry while talking about it, maybe stop and pick it up another time. Hope this helps!
