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A Rare Perspective

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by asix, Jul 9, 2007.

  1. asix

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    What I feel compelled to write here has been an ongoing issue for me for a long time. Relatively recently, I had raised this issue in another forum, but I wanted to raise it again here, to attempt to get additional feedback. Instead of rewriting the contents of my original posts, I have posted the relevant portions below:

    [...] In addition, I'd like to take this opportunity to ask everyone here what may be a series of unusual questions: How much, if any, experience do you have with people that are handicapped in some way; and what is the extent to which you'd be willing to become romantically, and sexually, involved with someone that is [born with cerebral palsy]?

    As you may imagine, the above questions reflect the unique challenge I have, in terms of finding, and having, a significant other.


    As I'm sure many of you have figured out by my initial post here, my life experience has caused me to develop a propensity for asking thoughtful questions, even though, at times, they can stir up uncomfortable emotions. I suppose my following question is no different. If it proves to be too awkward for you to answer, I would understand, but I am trying to find any way possible to come to peace with an answer to the following question:

    Would you, if you were physically challenged, like myself, at the age of 28, choose to share your virginity with anyone other than a significant other; or, would you continue to wait indefinitely, to have sex with a loving boyfriend?

    Now, I understand that, in matters such as these, one's moral compass serves as a guide, and that only I can make the decision, ultimately. But I feel conflicted. To this end, I have held fast to the hope that I'd find a loving boyfriend; however, there is a part of myself that strongly wants -- or, maybe, even needs -- physical touch and comfort right now.

    There are too many struggles that I face on a daily basis, especially now; so, I can't go into great detail here, but a few of the more prominent ones are as follows: not being affectionately touched in over a year; dealing with an emotionally neglectful and abusive family; and having only one genuine, local friend, who happens to be homophobic. Suffice it to say, my options for support are limited, and my options for physical comfort are next to non-existent.

    As I think about the situation, I can either continue to wait to have sex; I can find someone with whom I can share my virginity; or I can find someone that will give me physical comfort, without sacrificing my virginity. There may be other options, but these are the three that came to mind most readily.

    I'm not necessarily looking for an endorsement of any kind, but I suppose I am reaching out for some genuine advice that will make the decision easier. In short, as I have kept my virginity for as long as I have, I've thought it to be something special to share with someone equally as special; however, I am fully aware of the nature of the culture among the majority of gay men, and I know that my heart is telling me, quite loudly, how much having touch will help me, at this point.

    Again, my intention is not to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but any advice would be sincerely appreciated.

    I received a number of replies to both of my posts, which suggested, essentially, the following: that I either continue to wait to share my virginity; that I simply enjoy sex for the experience of the intimacy and closeness, while I hope for someone that would become a significant other; or that I relocate, in hopes of building a better support system for myself. Approximately, a month has passed since I received the advice, and I have had much time to reflect: I am deeply unhappy, because I know some of my needs are not being met. As foolish as this may seem, I have been leaning towards simply packing a bag and just disappearing -- and hoping that any life I could make for myself would be better than than the one of emotional abuse and neglect that I was given. In addition, I have been actively considering hooking up, although safely, to help meet my immediate need for intimacy.

    I understand this post is rather depressing, and I'm sorry. I have simply attempted to be honest about my experiences; and on some level, sharing them helps me to feel, at least, somewhat better. Any advice, feedback, or comments you wish to offer will be appreciated. Thank you for your time.
     
  2. wtinal

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    You are special, and I personally don't think you should "settle for" anything less than the best. Over the years, I have worked with individuals with cerebral palsy. Some of them had developmental disabilities along with their physical disabilities, but some of them did not. Everyone has special challenges in life, you just happen to have a few. I think it is possible to find the perfect one for you.

    It is hard for me to give an opinion, when I don't know your limitations. But, there are ways to find support for yourself. You can join special olympics or a local support group for people with cerebral palsy. It is my opinion that you could use those as a "jumping off" point to find additional resources.

    With cerebral palsy, there is a special need for touch. Your neurons and touch receptors are a bit different than the rest of us. There is nothing wrong with your need for touch. I am not sure though that the intimacy you desire and the touch you desire are totally the same thing. The touch you desire may have to come in the form of massage or something like that. And then friends, they can fill the intimacy need.

    And all of this, in my opinion, is just a process to go through while waiting for that special person to come into your life. I think it is possible, I think there is hope, and I certainly don't think you have to "settle" for less than the best. You deserve the best!
     
  3. asix

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    I understand that you are simply trying to help, and I understand, too, my aggrevation and frustration have been on the surface for some time, but something about your post upsets me. I'm one of the fortunate few not to be developmentally or mentally challenged in any way, And when I speak of intimacy, I'm clear when I say I want physical and emotional intimacy, which would culminate, ultimately, in intercourse with another man -- not massage from a physical therapist.

    I suppose what upsets me is that people -- the vast majority of them -- have difficulty separating who I am, as a person, from the medical diagnosis; or my identity as a member of a sexual minority, for that matter.

    What I don't understand, though, is how my touch receptors behave differently.

    I apologize again for being upset. I'm in a very difficult situation.
     
    #3 asix, Jul 9, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2007
  4. wtinal

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    I am sorry that my post upset you. Let me put it this way - as a person with a physical disability (muscular dystrophy), I have a unique challenge in the way of finding a significant other. My medical issues pose a "problem" for most people. I want to date, I want to have a significant other, and I want to be romantically intimate (sex). But, I have chosen for me, it is worth the wait. In the meantime (and it will probably be a prolonged meantime), I choose to find emotional intimacy among friends (old ones and new ones), and I choose to have the need for touch met through friends or through a medical source. This is my journey. Perhaps you will choose something different, and that is okay. I just wanted to encourage you that it is worth the wait, but the needs are real now and need to be met somehow. Again, I apologize that my previous post upset you. That was not my intention.
     
  5. 24601

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    I'm not sure I'll be able to tell you anything that you probably haven't already heard before, but I'll give it a whirl.

    I'm sorry to say that I don't have much experience at all with handicapped people. It is not something that I really avoid, but something that I have not had much exposure to. In fact, I am ignorant to the point where I had to Wikipedia cerebral palsy. I still don't much understand the disability, besides knowing that there are multiple forms of it, and it causes physical disability in movement and posture. However, that's somewhat irrelevant to the key ideas of your post.

    In my experience there are two ways to become attracted to another person. They are rather obvious, and I have experienced both forms. The first is, obviously, visual attraction -- you are attracted to how someone looks. The other way is personality -- you are attracted to what someone says, how they act, etc.

    Again, I don't know much about your disability or your condition. To be bluntly honest (as I will be in this entire post, just a heads up), most members of our "modern" society will react poorly to the idea of sex with someone with an obvious physical handicap. You've probably figured that out by now, though. People with cerebral palsy can, however, be beautiful and charming people. An example that I found is Gianna Jessen, who, (although I don't necessarily agree with her values) seem to be a good looking woman (even though I can't judge all that well, heh). So, basically, this option relies heavily on personal choice and taste, and there isn't much you can do to control it. It is still open, although probably not your best chance.

    Finding someone based on emotional attraction should be easy. Well, not easy. But somewhat easier. I, myself, have fallen in love, or become infatuated with a few people, based primarily on their personality. In fact, I considered some of these guys to be somewhat bad looking. So, this is also an option, but one that will take a considerable amount of time - which I get the feeling you're not really looking for.

    I'm not sure I really answered your question, but these are some thoughts that came to mind.

    I don't think this question has anything to do with you being physically challenged. I think if you had left out the fact that you had cerebral palsy in this post, that my answers would be entirely the same.

    This is a question which everyone needs to come face to face with at one time or another. I'm coming face to face with it even now, at age 16, although I have no prospects, or see any coming any time soon.

    I think your virginity is special. I think that it should be shared with someone who you ultimately care for. I think this, but know I would probably act differently. I guess I'm somewhat of a hypocrite. When it comes down to it, I'm as unsure as you. I don't know how I would act if I had to choose.

    I think, though, that love is very important. Although sex without love is good and all, I think your first time will be so much more special with someone you care about. So, I guess I, personally, would try to make my first time with someone who I care about, and loves me, but would probably not deny any opportunities that may arise. Just make sure that, if you do choose to have sex with someone outside of a relationship, that you see it simply as sex, and not as love. Seeing a one night stand as love will ultimately end up in hardship on your part.

    Like I said, I know you've heard this before, but you really need to get out! Flee! Take that bag and run, at least when you can. Find a supportive environment for yourself, and expand your options. In your new setting, try to meet people just as awesome as yourself. Expand your horizons. Whether that means attending LGBT discussion groups, getting involved in your community in some other way, or just finding some other people your own age, make it happen. I often times wonder if we, as human beings, sometimes restrict ourselves more than the world restricts us. See past your disabilities, as hard as that may be. So often people hide behind labels and mindsets, and never break free to discover the world of endless opportunity that lies beyond.

    Those are your primary options as far as I can see, too.

    If you honestly believe that having intimate contact with another human being will help you, then by all means seek it out. The point of life is the pursuit of happiness, in my opinion. Whatever you believe will make you the happiest person you can be is ultimately worth doing. Just remember to separate love and sex (while knowing that, at one point, love and sex may co-exist peacefully in your loving partner), and find someone who will have sex with you regardless of your disability. Sex for the sake of pleasure is just that, so don't make it anything more!

    That's what we're here for!

    I think this decision is one that will ultimately leave you the happiest. You are satisfying yourself, and chasing after that which you desire, while leaving behind the sadness of your abusive family. I totally agree with you. Just remember, sexual intimacy is not emotional intimacy - don't set yourself up for heartbreak.

    I hope I've been able to help you a little bit, at least. I've done my best to be honest and thoughtful about your points. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always ready to listen. Just remember that above all else, you're another human being, and nothing truly separates you and I besides our unique personalities. Pursue what makes you happy and what you know is best for you. Keep yourself safe, and make the most out of every moment.

    Ryan
     
  6. asix

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    The replies that I've received have been most heartfelt -- especially yours, Ryan. Never before have I received such sincerity and maturity from a 16-year old. Also, your post was very well written, which I appreciate very much. I have been able to find a few genuine friends, that I know online; and they're all younger than me, not older. I'm just glad that some people have learned the value of compassion for others.

    Ryan, I know meeting people under these cirumstances is less than ideal; however, if you are sincere about talking together, I can give you my AIM screenname.

    Thank you both, again.

    -Aaron
     
  7. 24601

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    You can get my AIM by clicking the little running AOL guy underneath my Avatar/Personal Info, feel free to message me.
     
  8. EthanS

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    I neva relli had a handicapped frend, but if i did il treat them normal, n b there for them if they need me
     
  9. asix

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    I'm glad that you feel that way, Ethan, because it's one of the best things someone in my position can hope for.
     
  10. TeeBe

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    The only advice that I can give you is based upon my own opinions, which may not necessarily be your own.

    I don't view virginity as something sacred, but conversely I am not going to throw it away, either. All I can recommend is as Ryan suggested: get involved in some LGBT groups. It will allow you to meet countless people, and better yet, they are probably gay too! (Jokes- but it really IS hard to find gay people...)

    As for CP and relationships; why should it matter? If you get involved with someone who actually cares, they aren't worth your time. It will take a while to find someone who is right for you, no doubt, but the same is true of all of us. You just may have a bit of an extra challenge, no one can deny that; but you will end up with a more understanding, gentile and considerate partner for it.
     
  11. asix

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    I've been a part of the two LGBT groups here that I know of: Epsilon Mu Pi (http://www.themucrew.com); and an on-campus group, which I actually helped someone create, LIVE, or Lift Individual Voices for Equality. Essentially, in both instances, I was looked upon strangely, and I felt a lot of fear coming from people, because I'm guessing they hadn't had much, or any, experience with disability. In the case of the fraternity, many of the members had already formed what seemed to be cliques, and I felt ostracized because I didn't feel compelled to talk so openly, or frequently, about sex. Places like Dayton, Ohio don't seem to afford many opportunities for meeting genuinely open-minded, sincere, and caring individuals within the gay community.

    This may prove to be extremely difficult, given my physical circumstances, but I think I may be ultimately happier and content, if I could find a way of relocating to a more homocentric region, like California; however, the thought of doing that is as scary as it is daunting for me.
     
  12. Jim1454

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    I have to agree - that was a really well written and thoughtful response. I don't really have anything to add. I can't really imagine the struggles you've faced throughout your life, but you as well have shared in a very articulate way your feelings and desires. I'm sorry that your disability is / seems to be standing in the way of you meeting someone special. I suppose it may have something to do with where you live...

    In my situation (and we all have our challenges, don't we?) I've had to deal with a number of things, and have reached out for help in several ways - separately. I've had to deal with an addiction - and am attending 12 step meetings. I've had to deal with my separation, and for that I've leaned on family and coworkers. I've had to deal with my orientation - which I came to recognize and accept only recently (at the age of 35) and for that I've found support here, as well as through reaching out to other gay fathers in the Toronto area. In addition, I've been working with a therapist to help me put it all in perspective. All this to say that you won't likely find the support you need in any one place, but in several places.

    In terms of physical intimacy, I can also relate... I was 25 before I had any kind of sexual interaction - and it did turn out to be with the woman I would marry. I don't look back on that and think it was all that special... In fact in some ways I wished I'd had some sexual experiences before I met her. I don't think I appreciated it with her as much as I would have. But who knows. But I didn't have any kind of physical limitation - and was 25. Again - we all have our own issues...

    At the same time, sex should be fun and enjoyable, and meeting with people strictly for that purpose makes it hard - especially if you're a bit nervous.

    Not sure any of this helps, but wanted to acknowledge your request for advice. Thats what we're here for. Good luck. (*hug*)
     
  13. EthanS

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    but i wont bath em or help em wiv da tolilet tho :icon_bigg,
     
  14. asix

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    Ethan, this is perfectly understandable, because as I'm sure my father would say, I am quite independent -- quite stubbornly so, at least in thought. My financial independence is an entirely different matter, regrettably.