Ok, it's becomming abundantly clear that I'm having trouble coming out to my last to friends at uni. It's not that I don't want to, cus I do, or I don't think they'd take it well, cus they would. But so far, I've only been able to come out when I've been in the middle of a breakdown, and someone's asked whats up when I've been really low and I've kinda just let it out. Which is fine, worked for me then, but thankfully things aren't that bad anymore, no crisis on the horizon But the problem remains that I'm struggling to be able to do it. Part of the problem is exams, everyone's kinda focused on that, so we're not really socialising in the same way as before, like grabbing a coffee between lectures. And I suppose it's an inner stress thing as well, it's just easy to avoid doing it at the moment with revision and exams going on. But the final exams for us are in about 2 weeks, and I don't know how much of everyone I'm gonna see over the summer, and I want to go back to uni next semester and for it/me to be out in the open. I just wanna get back to normal and not have this hanging over me any more. Now I've been sifting through the Coming Out Stories forum tonight, and a couple of threads I've noticed have mentioned coming out via letters / emails. Up til now I've been a bit against that idea. Not that I think there's anything wrong with it per se, but one thing that's really bothered me re: the people I'm telling is that they've either asked or been present when I've been asked and denied being gay, so I feel a bit like I've lied to them and want to do this face to face. But I'm at the stage now that it's more important to me that I tell them than that I do it in the way I thought was best. So, now I've rambled on for long enough, what I want is to hear from anyone who's done this. Particularly people who haven't had to for proximity reasons ie. you're not miles apart, so like you sent a message but were able to talk about it pretty soon after (I imagine I'd get a talking to the day after, if I didn't get a phone call straight away). What did you say? What did they say back? Did they seem disappointed about the way you told them? Did you regret doing it that way in hiensight? Any responses appreciated, cus I kinda wanna put this to bed now. Feels like I'm weighing myself down with this burden, just wanna get it out and then move on. Thanks guys.
I came out to my brother via email mainly because I was so nervous to tell him directly. I have wanted to tell him for a while but every time I saw him it was with his kids or at family gatherings. I called him up and talked to him for a bit. At the end of the conversation I told him I would be sending him an email and asked him to call me when I was ready. He call me back about 20 minutes later and we talked. He took it well. He was a little bit shocked but supportive. This is the email I sent him. G, There has been something that I have wanted to tell you for a while however the last few times I have seen you it has been with family or the kids have been around. Ideally I would have liked to tell you this in person and alone. However I can not hold on to this any longer. What I want to tell you is that I am gay. This is something that I have struggled with for many years and finally came to terms with my sexuality within the past year or so. I thought for long time that if I met the right woman I would fall in love marry etc. However I know that this is not the case for me. Now that I have accepted that I am gay, I feel a lot happier. I am very comfortable with who I am and optimistic about my future and know that I will not be alone the rest of my life. I have told mom, dad and Elena. They have been very supportive. I hope this news does not change our relationship. I am the same person as before. Give me a call when you are ready so we can discuss this further. I want to be as open and honest with you as I can. Love, Ed Good luck!!
I came out to my best friend via a letter hidden at the bottom of her birthday present on her 19th birthday She took one day to reply, but her reply was SO amazing and beautiful and basically gave me the courage to come out to everyone else. A snip-it: " Ofcourse our friendship will be the same, probably stronger, I think (namely because I now know for sure you don't like me that way). I love you all the same, and I am so honoured that you chose to tell me first" I came out to many a close friend and distant friend via e-mails, scattered over a period of about a month. All of them responded within two days and they all were positive responses. I came out to my mother via a letter i wrote on my computer and made signs leading her to my laptop to read it. She had a horrible response, and i wont get into that... But NONE of them felt betrayed or anything because it was not done in person. Im sure alot of them were glad it was over e-mail because they would have been awkwarded out. In fact, ive only come out to my sister face-to-face. Everyone else was e-mail or letter, and a few were via MSN or other instant message type programs. First off, dont feel ashamed at ALL for using a letter or email, and dont feel your letting them down or its not personal enough. I always recommend e-mail or letter over anything else. Why? Simply because you can make rough copies and re-word it over and over, and when you finally do send it you can get EVERYTHING you want to tell the person down at once so your not interrupted or forget to add in something. When coming out face-to-face you have many things you cannot control, like location, extra people around, timing, them interrupting you, ect. ect. ect.
I have not come out yet but I would suggest going to the coming out letters section on the resources page
Hi there! It's great that you feel ready to let your friends know, and that you want to be yourself around them. Don't feel bad about not having been 'truthful' with them or in front of them. Your friends will understand. Everybody comes out differently, in their own time. Perhaps in your e-mail you could mention that you had a hard time with letting them know and needed to be/feel ready before being able to come out to them. My first coming out was over e-mail. I wrote about how difficult it was for me to talk about me being gay, and that I'm sorry for not having said anything sooner. I mentioned that I thought about telling him a lot sooner as I knew that he would be accepting and totally okay with it, but I never felt ready to say anything and that I was afraid that it might change our friendship. The response I got from my friend was a very positive one. Our friendship became stronger as a result. Coming out to them, should not change your friendship with them. In fact, it should make it stronger because you have shared something very personal and it shows how much you actually trust them. As Techcompu2 mentioned you might find some ideas in the coming out letters section as well (http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php). I hope this helps! Good luck!
Emails and letters can definitely capture exactly what you want to say if you think you might slip up or feel uncomfortable face to face. And when you see them next time they will have had time to let it settle down and will ask you questions then. I find it can be a lot easier and a lot less awkward when you're both given more space and time to think everything over. As for feeling disappointed, I think the last thing on their mind will be which method you have used to tell them. Friends are people who can respect and accept your decisions. Good luck with it, I'm sure it'll go very well!
I've "done" a few over email/Facebook messages - but then, these are people I *normally* talk to via these sites - I suppose it'd be weirder if I didn't often email them anyway... but no-one has ever said "I wish you'd said that face-to-face" - in fact, one said "I'm glad you did this over email"
I am not the norm: I never "came out." I just stopped keeping it a secret and people fell in line. I've never been a fan of the electronic form of 'coming out.' Though, to each his own I guess. There are ways of making it known without having this big "ta-da" every time. Just live your life, seem whom you which, and eventually the stragglers will figure it out.
I'm losing my freakin mind :bang: I'm sat with one of my friends Steph, who I haven't told yet, having lunch between spending some time in the library revising and spending some more time in the library revising (yes, my life really is *that* thrilling :lol, talking about one of my other friends (who knows), and I was saying I felt bad for her cus I'm getting to the point I can't really care about all the drama she's making, and how I feel bad for having that attitude cus she was a really good friend to me over easter when I needed it. Not sure how it segwayed but she just looked at me point blank and said what's going on? And there was something about the way she said it, I knew exactly what she was on about, even though we weren't really talking about it. And I got this flutter, like my heart jumps up and down on the spot for 2 seconds. The same flutter I had sat in my best friends car before I told them. And when I was online with my cousin and she asked if I wanted to talk about it. And when I was on the phone to another friend. It's the 'for God sake Simon, now!' flutter. So I kinda sighed, and said I'd been waiting for a good time to bring this up, but I guess it's never gonna happen so I might as well tell you (pause) I'm gay. And that was pretty much it, few questions, and we kinda got on with it. Now, if my head was wired up correctly and I reacted like a normal person, I figure I'd be happy or relieved or something. But all I can think about is how I seem to be a slave to this, like I can't seem to tell people when I want to, I gotta wait til I get this flutter (gotta think of a less pathetic way to describe that too, maybe mild-cardiac-event? lol). ARGH!
First of all congrats on coming our to your friend. Second, don't beat yourself up. The first few coming outs are the hardest. It will get easier over time. (*hug*)
