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Visit to my grandfather

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Miaplacidus, Jul 11, 2007.

  1. Miaplacidus

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    Out to everyone
    Today I realized that I probably am the coldest being ever.

    I visited my grandfather, and I tested the waters, looking forward to coming out to him (yes, that "out to everyone" should be "out to everyone but grandparents") He responded by saying that faggots (sic) were freaks of nature... he carried on for an hour telling me things like that, I had never seen anyone saying so many nasty things at once.

    I just stayed silent. When I came home, I cried. I am never going back there. I loved that man - he was my favorite grandfather when I was little - but I don't anymore. It hurts too much.

    I feel bad. I shouldn't stop loving my family. But my relationship with them is quickly deteriorating. I don't think I love most of them anymore...

    I didn't know where to post this. I don't know what to do so I picked support and advice.
     
  2. CrimsonThunder

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    Whats (sic) mean?

    I don't think you should let one thing ruin the relationship with your grandfather.
     
  3. Jeffers06

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    Miaplacidus: I'm new here and I don't really have much experience with the whole "coming out" thing (I'm only out to one person) but...well, look at when your grandpa grew up and lived most of his life. As far as I know, being gay was virtually unheard of back then. He most likely wasn't exposed to it, and at his age it would likely be very hard (albeit not impossible) to change his views. I know that probably doesn't help much but it may explain why he said the things he did. I highly doubt he said them with the intent to hurt you, since as you said he doesn't know.

    CrimsonThunder: (sic) means the the preceding word or phrase is quoted verbatim.
     
  4. beckyg

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    I'm sorry your Grandpa acted this way but don't write him off yet. You should write him a letter and send information about homosexuality. It kind of sounds like he's a talker and not a listener and this would be a good way for you to tell him how you feel without the lectures.
     
  5. wtinal

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    You are so right. I believe older people have a much harder time changing their world views. They have lived a long time and so those views are ingrained, but there is an uncontrollable brain aspect too - our brain encodes info (our prejudices) and the older we get the harder it becomes to change those codes.

    However, it is common in older people to change their opinion about a single person -especially someone they love, be it a family member, friend, or particular nurse. One of my friends grandmother is white and she is mixed (black/white). Her grandmother (90 years old) is prejudiced as all get out, but she loves her granddaughter more than anything in the world. She even says racial comments in front of her granddaughter, with no ill intended at her granddaughter. Anyway, it is kind of interesting to watch and try to understand how it all goes together.

    I am not trying to defend anyone's bad behavior (ie your grandfather's comments), but I wonder if not addressing the issue about you with him will lead to bitterness and later regret. I don't know. I am not you.

    I am sorry it hurts so much!
     
  6. 24601

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    It's hard to keep loving those who hurt you and do not accept you. It's kind of silly, too. They are family, but that doesn't give them the right to stomp all over you... Family or not, if they don't treat you well, than maybe it's best that you don't love them. Loving your family no matter what, while nice, is often times, in my opinion, taken too often to the extreme. There's no reason to love someone who is abusive to you, and does not love you. They can say the words and go through the actions, but you know the true nature of their feelings. I'm not saying your grandfather is like that, but maybe...

    I'm so sorry about your grandfather, though, dude... Older folks are generally a lot less understanding, but it still hurts, I know. He might be persuaded if he really does love you, to try to be more accepting. I dunno what to say, really...

    :frowning2:
     
  7. Sam

    Sam
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    I am so sorry for your grandfather's reaction. I think that, that is why I am never telling my grandma she is my last grandparent she is my dad's mom and she lives a thousand miles away my entire dad's side of the family doesn't know about me because then it would spread to my grandma. she thinks the same way your grandpa thinks and is highly highly religious and she is getting really old and in bad health so I just want to spend the rest of my time with her and keep that good relationship with her besides I only get to see her once a year anyway. After she passes away I will tell my dad's side of the family but until then I'm kind of stuck. one time she started screaming "what is that queer doing here!" at a family reunion (referring to a cousin) I know that she would disown me, all I can say is hopefully your grandfather will learn to accept you and not just him but the rest of your family too.
     
  8. Revan

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    I talked to you two days ago when you returned from his house. I wasn't sure what to say but I should let you know that my mother (who is younger than my grandparents) has more of a problem with us gays (excuse my grouping us into one category). She says that our age group is living such a risky "lifestyle" and these things didn't "exist" in her time. I'd continue more and probably will, but it's almost 4:30 in the morning and I'm getting chest pains from eating too much and staying up so late all the time. So look forward to what I have more to say on this topic.