Long story short: My friend Chris who I met at a lgbt teen support group wanted to introduce me to his bisexual friend Amanda. I said sure, why not? He didnt tell me shes FIFTEEN. After talking to her for a bit the age thing came up. I told her straight up that i wont date a minor. I will be her friend, but I will not date. The age of consent here is 16, and she constantly reminds me that soon I'll be legally allowed to date her. Thing is, i feel torn. The age difference makes me a but uneasy. When I talk to her I feel superior academically, but not in a good way. For my age im not like some super genius type of person, simply average. Shes dyslexic so when it comes to school, shes not exactly top of her class, so i need to repeat myself a few times for her to understand what im saying. At the same time, shes sweet, passionate, has a really good heart, and she is so adorable. Im 20, shes 16. My mom thinks we shouldnt even be FRIENDS. What do I do? And could someone PLEASE tell me why i keep attracting these underage girls? Augh.
thats tough bc 16 is young. I am 27 and am very interested in a 20 year old, and i think the feelings mutual, but we are both "adults" whatever that means. I think in two years there isnt an issue, not even legally, but as for now, it does seem a little odd, but thats just me, and who says i know anything,
oh and you probably attract them because they think youre hot, and at that age the college age is the hottest, well was for me, but now that im 27 the college age is still the hottest lmao
There's a much bigger difference between someone 16 and someone 20 than there is between someone 24 and 28, or even 20 and 24. So much of one's personality and identity is formed and developed in the teenage years, and so much as far as emotional and physical maturation happens between, say, 16 and 22 or so. The main issue I'd be concerned about is an imbalance of power in the relationship. Because 4 years is such a big difference at her age, she will have a tendency to look up to you quite a bit, and it would be easy for it to become an enabling or codependent relationship. It doesn't have to happen that way, but it would be very easy for that to occur. A similar level of imbalance will be found in most cases between someone 20 and 27. If you find it to be a pattern that you're always attracted to younger people, it may be because you have an unconscious desire to be a caretaker or nurturer of sorts, or even for some level of control over the relationship. Not that those are inherently bad traits, but in the healthiest of relationships, there's a level of interdependence between both parties, such that you both lean on one another equally, and you both give and take relatively equally from the relationship. I'd say this could potentially apply both to musicislife and to limfjord.
I have a younger brother who is 16 and i have to say i think his friends are too young, some of them are very hot but they do make me feel old compared, i mean i've been drinking in pubs for a year legaly and yet they're going to be sneaking in for another two, so it's not like you could meet up for a drink. for me the age gap has always just been one of maturity but i think at that young age people are very different than 4 years on and it means you're less likely to want the same things. A bit of a disorgainised rant but i'd have to say, stay friends by all means but be wary about going into a relationship
:icon_bigg Isn't that the truth! You likely attract younger people because you're friendly and treat them with respect - perhaps something they don't get from other people. When you add to that the fact that you're also gay, and they can relate to you on that level, they get one of those 'all-too-familiar' crushes. If it doesn't feel right to you, then it isn't right. There's someone out there for you that is PERFECT - and you'll never (or perhaps only briefly) question whether THEY are right. So keep looking. Let her down gently. Should you be friends with younger people though? Absolutely. If that wasn't the case, then I shouldn't be here! And I'd like to think I'm helping...
If you are into him and he is into you, just go for it. People make FAAAAAR too big a deal about age differences. If both people are in their 20s, there's no issue. Outside of teenagerhood, people basically create issues regarding age differences that are totally constructed and ultimately end up ruining what could be perfectly decent relationships. There can be maturity gaps and life experience gaps between people, sure, but they're not 100% contingent on age. When I was 21 I dated a 29yo and I assumed he would be all experienced and knowledgeable about relationships and in fact, if anything he was more immature and stupid about the whole thing than I was. If you're going to create "cons" against a relationship, base it on actual observed differences other than age.
Okay, first off... your mom is completely and totally wrong about the friend thing. I hate people who are like that. Stupid ridiculous presumption of "wrong-doing" if anyone is friendly with people outside their own grade! *gah* In the "more than friends" case, obviously there is always the law to consider, so sounds like you have that bit down. If there are actual noticeable cognitive differences between the two of you, I can't really say that's going to make for a very healthy relationship. I mean obviously in most relationships, one person is smarter than the other, but if you have to repeat yourself to be understood? That suggests two pretty distinct levels of cognitive ability. That being said, I don't agree with what Jim1454 said about if it feels wrong, it obviously is. I think lots of times people feel bad or wrong about things and those negative feelings are socially-induced and not necessarily reflective of the truth of the situation. I mean, my gosh, I think at some point we all felt that having feelings for members of the same sex was wrong or bad, so by that logic, we should all be in reparitive therapy trying to de-gay-ify ourselves. We all carry around a lot of social baggage and I think in particular the age difference suitcase is a pretty common one. People need to look at individual situations in their entirety and not just do basic math about people's ages. In this case, though, it sounds like you have, and you realise that a relationship with this girl wouldn't be appropriate (apart from the legal ramifications, which are crucial to consider) based on actual functional differences between her and you. On the face of it, 20 is pretty different from not-yet-16. You might very well live on your own; she's likely still at home. She's in high school, you're done with it. Those are some additional real differences between the two of you and they're not insignificant. My last boyfriend was fully "adult" by all legal standards but he hadn't really lived on his own before and his mother still kinda ran his life and believe me, that was definitely an issue between us, because I've been fending for myself for over 10 years and while I loved my mother dearly, I made it pretty clear to her early on that I was the one living my life. Being "just friends" with her might be extremely tricky, though--she is obviously attracted to you and you are obviously attracted to her in certain respects. It might be one of those sad situations where you should stop hanging out with her to avoid things getting problematic.
