Everything in my sex/love life has come to a head within the past week, and I feel a bit detached, and quite different. I love my friend John. I met him at a new job, became friends over two years, and then broke the news that I felt something more for him. He explained that he was straight, but was curious in trying things out. Knowing that my heart was invested, I still said "yeah! let's go for it!." It was my first sexual experience with another person, and for a while, I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed his company and the "fun" we had over the next few months. Then he met a girl and fell for her, and they've been together for a long time now. I was heart broken and did and said some nasty things that I'm not proud of. I wanted to label him gay. but couldn't reconcile it with the fact that he was enjoying his time with his girl. For a while, I didn't want anything to do with him. Soon enough, however, I felt familiar feelings for him again. Around that time he got in touch with me and said he missed hanging out. I've been hanging out with him occasionally over the past couple months, and I know that I still love the guy, but I know that it can't be the same intimate type of relationship that he has with his girlfriend. One morning last week while I was hanging out with him I started to spill out everything. All my feelings for him came out. I missed him, felt awful that we couldn't be something more, I was happy that he was happy with his girl and....all that stuff. I was a bit delirious, so I asked him to keep talking to me to keep me from thinking/being in my head so much at the time. I think I was having an anxiety attack - I puked, had a ton of nervous, fidgety energy and kept telling him to keep talking. Once I was calm, I told him I trusted him, wanted him to trust me, and that I wouldn't ask to sleep with him again. I said I wanted to be more of a friend - be there for him and just a good buddy. We shook hands and I left for home. Over the next couple days I've felt indifferent about sex with him. I've finally gotten over him, but the "odd" part is that I'm thinking of what it would be like to be with a woman. I've never had sex with a woman, but I feel like it's something I should explore. I don't feel like I'm trying not to be gay, but it also doesn't feel right calling myself gay. I don't know what I am. And I'm fine with just letting it figure itself out at the moment. I'm not exactly looking for advice, since I don't feel like I'm in a dilemma, but I thought it would be nice to see what anyone thinks of it.
It sounds like you've been through quite an ordeal to me (*hug*). Don't bother trying to tie yourself down to a label like 'gay' or 'straight' - very few people are entirely one or the other, if you're attracted ot someone, you're attracted to them, if not, then you're not. Gender isn't really an issue - it's all down to what turns you on really. I identify as gay because, for the most part, I am turned on by guys, but that doesn't mean that I have completely ruled out women from my life. If I were to fall in love with a woman, and found her attractive, I would not let the fact that I identify as gay get in the way. This is unlikely, as I am almost exclusively attracted to men, but, as I say, I'm not ruling anything out, and you shouldn't either.
You've had a fairly intense 'life experience' with this guy - and you've learned some stuff about yourself and others. It's all good in that respect. It's a shame though that your first experience was something that was kept hidden and didn't have the potential to become more. But it wasn't a complete loss. Whether your next relationship is with a guy or a girl, I'd highly recommend that it be a more open, honest and complete relationship. One where you're friends, companions, and lovers. THAT is the most amazing kind of relationship to be in, and you'll really get a sense as to whether that fits best with a woman or with another guy. Just be totally honest and open about yourself and how you're feeling. You'll be amazed at how great it can be.
