Well, I've come a lonnnng way since the beginning of this [school] year - I've figured out that I am attracted to men (women, still a little iffy on...), accepted it, and come out to most of my friends. EC was a BIIIIG help in this process - I can't thank everyone enough for just the positive support! (*hug*). Now, there's really only one thing left to do: come out to my parents. I have thought about coming out to them in the past many many times, but I've stopped myself. Mainly for two reasons: 1, I honestly have no idea how they'll react, and 2, I'm still not entirely sure how I'm oriented. By now, that first reason really is not a worry any more. I don't know how they'll react, but after thinking about it, I know them well enough - they're my parents, and they'll accept me no matter what. So now, it's just that second reason - should I come out to them when I'm still not positive of my orientation? I remember reading somewhere online (it might've even been here), that it's a bad idea to come out to your parents when you're still figuring yourself out, because they'll already have enough questions as is. Saying you're still unsure will just make them more confused about you. Lemme fill you in on exactly what my situation is. I know for a fact that I like men. no question about that - had a boyfriend, and thoroughly enjoyed it :icon_wink. It's just the women I'm still iffy on. I've only had one girlfriend, earlier this year, and it really didn't go anywhere. We went out for a month and never even kissed. So I've never kissed a girl my entire life. Now, why that relationship didn't work could either be because I am 100% gay, or I just didn't like her that way. I don't know which one it is, so I still don't want to conclude anything. For someone else, that might be enough evidence to say "alright, I am totally gay!", but I'm a very apprehensive person - I need really definitive evidence before I conclude anything. You might also be wondering why the heck I even considered being bi to begin with, seeing how strongly I'm attracted to men. Well, when I first started questioning, I thought I was just gay too. But, I tried something - I visualized having sex with a guy. that turned me on. Then, I replaced the guy with a girl, and it didn't turn me off totally. Also, the thought of kissing a girl doesn't gross me out either. I'd definitely prefer a guy in both cases, but a girl still seems to work. Are those kinds of reactions normal for totally gay guys?? Another reason why I haven't knocked off bi is simply that I have not kissed and/or intensely made out with. Once again, when visualizing it, it doesn't turn me off, but that might actually be different in real life. I guess I'm kinda indifferent to being with a girl.... But anyways, I guess what it all comes down to is I don't want to call anything without enough info. I want to know exactly how I work. I could just say I'm gay now, when I might really be bi, and then I'd be missing out on half of the experiences I could. LOL, I know, I am kinda taking things very fast, and sometimes things like this just take time, but I just don't want to wait! I want to know if I like women now! I may kinda be stuck there, because the summer is coming up, and I doubt I'll have many chances to kiss a girl by the end of school. So, I really have to questions to ask: 1. Should I come out to my parents now, even though I'm still not totally sure where I fall on the gay-straight-ometer? (how I come out to my parents will have to be a different thread ) 2. Do I seem like I really am bi, or totally gay? (FYI, I am totally comfortable with either one) or am I just really over-analyzing everything, and I should just relax, and not worry about anything?? (I don't know how possible that is for me to do. I'm farrrr to obsessive-compulsive, lol ) yikers, that was a long post!
If you are intent on telling your parents now you can tell them you are questioning your sexuality and hopefully they will be fine with that. The other thing is yes, you need to stop over-analyzing everything. Stop thinking about what gender you are sexually attracted to and look for the person that you have fun with and like to spend time with. You'll figure your orientation out later.
i think that you need to just relax take a breath and think there is no rush to tell you parent when you are ready you will know i know i like girls but i als know i like guys and so when i told my mom i just told her that i was bi and she is fine with it so just relax good luck with what ever you do
Man, flip the genders, and that's me right there. And I was feeling the EXACT. SAME. WAY. It drove me nuts. And when I saw a counselor about it, because it was making me so frustrated and so miserable, she told me to just... Not over think it. And it worked. I really had to make myself not think everything to death, and you know what? I felt better. I didn't worry about "oh god am I actually bisexual, would I ever be with a guy, or am I just a lesbian who's too afraid to leave her faux-hetero comfort zone?!", and let myself be attracted to whoever. I still am not 100% sure, even though I'm pretty sure I at least prefer women, and I'm happy to just call myself "queer" in the meanwhile. I may never settle on a label and that's totally fine with me, too. If anyone wants more information on what "queer" means to me, they can ask. ;P You can really only go so far with theorizing and visualizing who you want to be with. Honestly, nothing killed my mood more than "Ooo I wouldn't mind dating her, but wait would a date with a boy make me MORE or LESS happy, who would I rather kiss at this very moment in time" and oh god, it wore me out! So even if you have to MAKE yourself not over think things, I think there's really nothing better you could do for yourself. It's good to turn your brain off once in a while, because when you're so close to your own emotions, it's hard to see the big picture. It can be really confusing! Labels really mess things up, to be honest. Trying to squeeze yourself into one of a set of predefined slots when maybe you don't really fit in any of them perfect is not going to do you any favors. I can sympathize with wanting to be on one particular side of the other just for sake of communication. "I'm gay" is sure a hell of a lot easier for most people to parse than "I'm bisexual but I prefer blah and I'm not sure if I'd be in a relationship with blah but they're still cute!", even if the latter is closer to the truth for you (which is why I like saying "I'm queer", it's nice and ambiguous . If you came out as gay, would the idea of women knowing that and not being interested in you disappoint you? Or does it leave you indifferent? Or relieved? That may be something consider too! As to coming out, it depends on who you choose and how close you are to them. Are they going to try to talk you out of being queer somehow? That might not be so good if you're still unsure. If they're likely to be supportive? Hell yes, come out even if you're not 100% sure. You don't even have to say "I'm gay", you can just say "I think I prefer guys" or "I'm queer" if you're still not sure!
It's totally fine to come out when you're not totally sure what your sexuality is. If you know you like guys, that's how you can come out - "I like guys". If someone asks "do you like girls too?" it's not really a jump from there to shrug your shoulders and say "Not sure" or "I might" or something along those lines. It's honest, it's courageous, and it means you'll have the relief that comes from coming out without having to push yourself into a mould that you might not end up fitting.
You know what? What you're thinking right now sums me up in a nutshell. I know that i'm into guys, I'd be more than happy to be with a guy, but i'm still not 100% sure on the girls. Main difference here is that I HAVE come out to my parents about it. My mum is, to put it lightly, very intrusive about any and all relationships I may or may not have. She seems to want to know EVERYTHING. Anyways, ever since I can remember I'd just tell her about the girl I liked, and what I was doing about it and how i felt. Now, I also had feelings for guys during this time (these were quite a bit stronger) but I just didn't tell her about those. The thing is though, that even though I knew I liked guys - I still wasn't lying to my mum when i was telling her about the girls i liked. What finally made it click for me though was a few moths ago - I asked out a girl i was friends with and had something of a crush on. She turned me down. After that though, a whole bunch of odd stuff happened - I got shaky legs, I felt a bit sick and all in all I was FEELING rejected. Does a normal gay guy feel this way? I didn't think so. I'm still not sure about how to classify myself, but i know that i'm into both guys and girls - even if one is stronger. Hope my experiences helped a bit... Kaleb.
I would agree with this. Maybe that's me not giving people enough credit but I distinctly remember being sure but not like 100% proof positive I was gay and realizing there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to admit to any ambiguity when I told my parents. Parents (at least hetero parents), however well-meaning and supportive, generally only mentally prepare themselves for heterosexual children. That means that no matter modern and supportive they are, they deep down inside want their children to be straight, even if only because they know it is tougher to be gay than to be straight in our lovely heterosexist society. So (to my mind) if you admit you are unsure of your orientation, it is quite possible they will cling to some small hope you may find yourself a nice girl. Which is possibly fine if you are 50/50-ish bi but not so great if you are gay or guy-leaning bi. Anyway, in my case I was just freaked out about claiming the label initially--lots of common stereotypes and misconceptions, so proclaiming certainty I wasn't 100% in possession of worked out really well. You need definitive evidence? That could be taken way too far--do you need to have sex with a girl before you're sure? Five girls? Ten? Obviously I'm exaggerating but in terms of an evidence-based type of test, who decides when enough is enough? Or are you sure you can tell based just on kissing? What if you end up dating a girl who is a really bad kisser? I'm not bringing up all these (slightly ridiculous) what ifs to make you more confused--I'm bringing them up to kind of highlight how, uh, you might be going about thinking about what you "need" to convince yourself of your own feelings in a really counterproductive way. Just like straight guys don't "need" to have sex with (or kiss) guys to know they're straight, either do (or should) gay guys (in theory, at least) "need" to have sex with (or kiss) girls to figure themselves out. And in saying that I don't mean there's something wrong with you because you think you do need some kind of evidence. I just think you're wrong in thinking you need hard evidence to figure yourself and your feelings out. They are for over-analyzing teenage guys who are wrestling with a pretty huge chunk of self-discovery. I don't know why people have this mistaken belief that gay guys are automatically turned off by women or the thought of sex with women. I mean, sure, some gay guys are like "ewwwww gross!" (although honestly I think a lot of times that is done more for effect than out of any true deep-seated feeling). As we know from the countless men who father children and then come out, many gay men are more than capable of performing sexually with women, and I assume in at least some of those cases it's not so awful that they have to screw up their faces and hold their noses and think of scenes from Brokeback Mountain or Dante's Cove or something. :lol: Also, you're... checking... 15. A telephone pole can turn you on at this stage, so using the fact that fantasising about women doesn't turn you off as any kind of indicator is totally not a method that will provide useful information. People are generally not indifferent to things they find attractive. My personal opinion would be to wait until you are more (not necessarily 100%, but more) clear in your own mind. In my experience, which is pretty extensive, and this is not even remotely me saying I "don't believe" in bisexuality because when people say that it really pisses me off, but in most cases with young guys who're coming out, the stories I've witnessed or heard of are by far and away majority "bi now, gay later" ones. People for whatever reasons just find it way more easy to grapple with being bi initially than with being "fully" gay. So declaring one's later-revealed-to-be-transitional bisexuality first and then revising that to "Actually, I'm gay" is a really, really common facet of many of the coming out stories I've been privy to. Obviously, I'm biased on this issue, but yeah, you sound "totally" (ha) gay to me. Someone who was bi would know he liked girls just as clearly as he knew he liked boys (to my mind, at least) and as clearly as straight boys know they like girls and not boys. Really, with all the pressure from society to be heterosexual, wouldn't it be way more likely you'd be unsure you were interested in boys, rather than in girls? I mean we could get into whether you fantasise most about men or women, or what kind of porn most turns you on, but in a lot of ways that gets back to the notion that figuring out one's sexuality is some kind of science experiment. I can't know if you're predominantly gay or fully bi or some confused straight boy, and either can anyone else: that's something only you can figure out. For what it's worth, though, I consider myself pretty darn gay and I've met some women where I've definitely wondered, "Hmmn... what if...?" I don't think very many people are "pure" gay or "pure" straight. I do think men in general are more comfortable claiming to be purely one or the other, though. Women in general don't seem to feel the need to be so black and white. I would say this has a lot to do with socialization and how men are taught to be decisive and unyielding and women are taught to be more comfortable with things that are more ambiguous, not to mention to deal with compromise more. I've never been a big "I hate labels" person--I think labels are essential and important and often very useful. But the thing to keep in mind is that YOU wear the label, the label does not wear you. Labels are indispensible but they are not without their limits. And the problems most people have with labels are really, if they stepped back and thought about it, more to do with the people applying the labels and how those labels get applied than with the concept of labels in general. But yes, if you are freaking out about how you're going to figure out your sexuality because you aren't going to have the opportunity to kiss a girl anytime soon, then yeah, time to chill out. :icon_bigg
