So I recently told one of my best friends that I had feelings for him. As expected, I got a no - in a very kind way because he's a great friend, but still a no. For a few days following I was in a really great mood because I finally put those feelings out there, but then it hit me like a brick wall. Anyway, I sorta avoided him for a week or so, needing to sort out my feelings. My first instinct was to hide. I knew that when I see him my feelings just come back, thus I wouldn't be making much progress. This felt like denial though - and as LGBT people we all just love denial. :icon_wink So I decided I'd let myself see him again. What goes on in my mind when I'm with him now is not exactly pleasant. It's like - ache to be with him - slap self in face until can no longer feel ache. All figuratively, of course. :dry: So now I'm conflicted. Being with him depresses me - that much is clear. I'm certainly not planning on hanging out with him one-on-one anytime soon, but when I am with our mutual group of friends it's hard to avoid. When I'm with the group, I pretty much completely ignore him (I assume he's noticed, because we're usually pretty close), but even when ignoring him and when talking to other friends, I still get the feelings once in a while. Ahhh! Should I just talk to him and tell him I need to take a major break from him - and avoid hanging out with our group of friends for the time being? Or is that the wrong approach, and would keeping him around be the best way to get over him? (Sorta through getting used to it) :help:
Sorry to play Devil's Advocate but did you think maybe you make him uncomfortable too? (Assuming he's straight?) And that he senses your avoidance and feels bad himself or that you may not like him? Maybe you just need more time. But getting rid of him as a friend because of a crush is a little...extreme in my book. I crush on all my straight buds for some stupid reason, so I'd be near friendless if I did that! XD Why're all the loves of my life straight!?
I think that staying in contact with him, even though it's embarrassing and hurts and it's awkward, is probably the way to go. If you want to stay friends with him, I'm not sure it's never going to be not awkward unless you just push through it and adjust to being around him again. The danger in taking a break from him would be, I think, that you never stop being on break because it's a weird situation to go back to. If he's a great friend, he'll probably understand why it's awkward to talk to him, and be forgiving because of it. At least, that's the way I'd deal with it. I haven't been in your exact situation. I've been on the other side of this equation, and the guy I felt the most comfortable talking to again was the one that didn't cut off contact completely when I turned him down. Yes, it was awkward at first, but eventually we did get back to talking about the same stuff we used to, and I felt alright with it. He rarely brought it up after that, so I'm not entirely sure how he was feeling, to be honest. As unhelpful as I'm sure that is. =/ By all means, give yourself a little bit. Maybe you need to miss a gathering or something, just give yourself a little time to adjust. Rejection sucks, expected or not, and there's no way of getting around that. But I wouldn't take "a major break". It's hard going back after major breaks, in my experience. You may deal with things in a completely different way than I would, I don't know, but that's my take on it, anyhoo.
Haha, I know eh. Same here. I've practically crushed on all my closest straight friends too. But in this case, my feelings are a lot stronger than any that I've had for anyone else so it's hit me a lot harder. Fyi, he isn't straight, but can't be with me for other reasons. (It's complicated.) In regards to him being uncomfortable... I suppose that's a possibility. I suppose I'm focusing a lot on my own feelings with this. And I would never consider getting rid of him as a friend completely, certainly not. I was just planning on taking a break from hanging out with him for a while. Yeah. I realize now that I'm being very selfish to consider taking a "major break" as we'll call it. It's not so much that it's awkward (we're pretty open to eachother, normally) but yeah, definitely hurts. And I think you're totally right about it being hard to go back afterwards (and perhaps the feelings would just be stronger.) Thanks so much for the advice.
Its difficult, but its possible. My friend knows that I saw something more in him and wanted more from him - but I got the plain old "no" as well. After a period like the one you described - that aching feeling - I realized that it wasn't fair for either of us for me to only think of him in that way. I think of my feelings for him now as a means to just celebrate how good of a guy he is, and how cool it is that I can still hang out with him. I do step back and admire him from time to time, but I don't let those feelings get back to what they used to be. It's like a forced logical stop sign for an emotionally charged response trying to make it's appeal. NO! lol Looking into other guys helps as well, especially while you're hanging out. Now he wants to be my wing-man to help me find a guy =P
If he still wants the friendship to grow, than I wouldn't completely avoid him. I understand distancing yourself a little for awhile, but let him know that that's what you are doing. I seem to do this a lot when I get rejected myself, I seem to withdrawal from that person or things seem a bit awkward, but I think I create that awkwardness and blame on the other person because things didn't work the way I planned.
I know I’m quoting here but: You’ve changed things forever. There is no going back. You put yourself out there and you got burned. It sucks I know. When the person you want to be with rejects you, sometimes when they are nice about it, somehow makes it worse. The best thing I think you can do is take time to deal with your feelings. Lick your wounds, so to say.
When I was 18 I used to hang out with the boy next door just about all the time.(we were neighbors and friends for over 10 years) He actually came on to me one night, and he asked me if he could blow me. I told him to "help yourself" and he did (!) We were an item for over a year, then out of the blue (not blew) he decided he wanted a wife and kids, and that we could no longer be a couple. :eek: I was devistated.. :icon_sad: I tried to remain just friends with him, but that only lasted a couple of weeks before he decided it would be better if we just didn't hang out together anymore. I guess my situation is the reverse of yours, but even thought I didn't "start" our relationship, I ended up rejected just the same, and that hurt big time. Hang in there, things do get better over time.
