Had another session with my counsellor today and have to say that it didnt turn out exactly how I thought it would. Started off with how I had been since the last session, three weeks ago, and it was more or less the same answer that I gave every time I have been asked it ie. that I wasnt too bad. From there I was offered free reign about what I wanted to talk about. I chose to talk about self-confidence and self-esteem issues. This lead to me talking about something which I have been beating myself up about, silently, for quite some time now. That thing is my weekend drinking habit. Anyone who read my first main post on this site may know that I really wanted to kick the habit of continually drinking every weekend to the point where I cant remember the end of the night. While accepting that it wasnt the best thing in the world to do my counsellor opened my mind to the possibility that it is the rest of the week that is causing me to do what I do on the weekends. And that by not having any social life during the week, especially with other gay people, that it isnt all that suprising that I crave the life I do every weekend. Maybe, probably, on some level I already knew what he was saying was maybe, probably, true. It does make sense. I need to sort myself out, get some gay friends, that I like, and just stop bitching at myself all the time. N.b. Not sure why I wrote all of this but just thought I would.
Hi there! It's good that you wrote it all out! Even though the session didn't turn out the way you thought it would, it seems that you still were able to talk about a couple of things which I'm sure will help you to make progress on a couple of fronts. It seems that you have identified one of the issues that could help you to kick the habit as it were. You counselor got you to think more about your social life during the week, which is not a bad thing. All of us need some social life to let of steam and just forget about our hectic lives. Maybe try to balance your life a bit more by having a bit of a social life during the week as well. Maybe during the week instead of going to a club, try getting together with a friend over a coffee? Another thing you could look into is by trying to join a LGBT group in your community or the nearest town if possible, where you will have a chance to get to know others and join them for their social activities. Like this, you not only create a bit of balance in your daily routines but your also might lessen the need to overdo it on the weekend. Give it some thought and maybe talk with your counselor more about it and what your plans are for increasing your social activities during the week.
Hi. Not sure if I can help, but I can relate to a lot of what you're talking about. I had a similar problem last year, that I would binge drink at the weekends but stay sober during the week. And it really got me in a bad place, the drinking just made me really depressed and I didn't know why, but now I realise it could be what your counsellor told you, about craving the social life (I gave up on seeing a counsellor before I got any proper help) I think you're right, you need to find a social life outside of the weekend binge drinking, and if you're able to find something with gay friends then that'll fulfil your craving to 'be gay' instead of only socialising with straight people. But I personally have found that making gay friends isn't that easy (still don't have any). If u find it too difficult then finding gay friends should take a back seat for the moment. If ur drinking is getting very self destructive you need to deal with that first, try and find other hobbies to occupy you, or if you can't find a gay social group to join then try to join another club. Maybe you could tell ur friends that you want to ease off the drink, perhaps not go teetotal altogether but don't go overboard (as nights out where ur the only sober person are not particularly fun). Anyway, take what you want from this, you yourself have identified the problem and I'm sure you'll be able to do something to try and fix it. But stop bitching at yourself all the time, give yourself a break
Hi there! I don't thinkI've seen you around too much. That totally sucks, drinking yourself into oblivion. I've only drank more than responsibly on one occasion: when my friend died. And fuck, I had a terrible hang over all next day. XD I felt full but I was starving and queasy. It was terrible. But you know, it was one of those life lessons. Drowning in drink isn't going to do anything. Instead of investing in cheap booze, go invest your time in some good friends.
Thanks for the replies guys - I'll respond to a couple of things. Asteroid - My friends arent the type of people that go out for a coffee, its always the pub, very unsophisticated bunch that we are. I'd really like to go to one of these groups as it sounds like a good way to get to know other gay people. It'll be a bit weird at first, I guess, but worth it I am sure. The organisation that the counsellor works for runs these groups so I will ask next week I think. Davo - Sorry to hear that you have had similar problems. I know it wont be easy to make new 'gay' friends but outside of my current circle of friends I find it hard making straight friends too. I have to give it a go. The enigma - The drink isnt cheap. Its quite expensive. That is another reason to ease off it a bit. Its not realistic for me to stop drinking altogether but if I can get a bit more fulfilment throughout the week then maybe it wont be my be all and end all.
I'm glad you raised this with your counsellor if it was bothering you. And if it was bothering you, then it's something you definitely need to deal with. Hopefully it is something that you'll be able to gradually ease off of. Because drinking to cope with life's challenges (or using drugs, or eating, or gambling...) can become very destructive and addictive. Being open and honest with other people - as well as your therapist - will likely be necessary for you to develop a real connection with new gay friends. Not being able to meet other people is likely a function of being someone withdrawn - because you've been keeping a part of yourself hidden away. And to do that, you'll have to be comfortable with yourself. And that isn't always easy - but the counselling will certainly help. So keep it up! Good luck, and remember you can ALWAYS come here for advice or to just share stuff.
Thanks for your post Jim, it was a bit ignorant of me not to reply, I was away from the board for a few days but I had seen it before I was away. I'm really trying to be as open as I can possibly be with my counsellor. Some of the questions are downright challenging but the fact that they are being asked means I have to think about things that I would not usually do. It can be uncomfortable but I think any progress I make is going to initially be a bit uncomfortable. Its not a bad thing to be uncomfortable though. Today I went into the session in a better frame of mind than I did last week. I went in with the point of view that I need to stop looking at the negatives in the past and what might go wrong in the future but instead look towards what might be. I have the chance to open up a whole new part of my life. To that end I did ask about joining in the next 'support group' that they run. Unfortunately its going to be a number of weeks or months away but I have set the wheels in motion. I'll be a nervous wreck in the run-up to it, whenever it happens, but its another small step in the right direction. Finally, and its a small sour note to finish the post off on. Someone I work with texted me tonight (Nothing unusual in that) and engaged in a bit of small talk about work. He then said that I was lucky that I got to sit beside two good looking ladies. I simply replied 'Meh' which was probably not a great idea if I was looking to avoid the inevitable question of 'Ok then, who do you like?'. Well, when I didnt answer right away he started asking multiple choice questions including 'boy/girl?'. I didnt answer that so he sent another text to say to give him a clue to which I gave an answer that could apply to everyone at work. I get the feeling he is pissed off that I didnt give him a more open reply and I felt kind of bad because if I had replied with an honest answer I fully expect he would have been ok with it. Dman it. Next time.
Hi there! I agree with you that even though questions and thoughts can make you uncomfortable at times, but trying to understand them can only help you to move forward. Thinking about things that "you would not usually do" will allow you to understand things a) differently and b) better. Many (if not all of) things that were are facing are somehow interconnected. One thing leads to the other so to speak. By thinking about the answers to the questions that you are being asked maybe will help you to make connections between various pieces which will add up to the entire picture. YES! That's good! Looking back to the past and thinking about "if only I would have done this" is not going to change what happened. Looking at the negatives is not going to move you forward. That said, negatives of you past do serve a purpose, in that they allow you to learn things. So, take what you have learned, and look forward to the future. Set yourself some realistic goals for your future. Try to think about what is it that you want to do and accomplish. Try to pursue these goals, because ultimately these goals with help you "to open up a whole new part of [your] life." Sorry to hear that you need to wait but yes, it's good that you talked with your counselor about it and it is a step in the right direction. Honestly, I wouldn't really worry about it too much. He is curious, but it is your choice as to whether you want to come out to him or not. If it happens again that he asks you and you feel ready to let him know and feel okay with someone at your work knowing, then go for it. If you feel that you can trust him and you think it would be good to come out to him, you could also invite him for a coffee, or go out for lunch with him and talk with him. Something to think about.
