Coming Out

Well i come from a Baptist Christian family, Baptist Christian school, Baptist Christian church, Baptist Christian youth group ect. ect. and i decided to wait till after highschool was over to come out.

If i did come out before then i could have expected: Expeltion from school, Not welcome back at my church and youth group, and my parents would have reacted worse than they did when i came out after highschool.

Personally, i dont think it would be worth it for you. Waiting a few years will save you endless hardships that you WILL suffer in your enviorment. The good thing about waiting till after highschool is your starting to make all your own choices, you (hopefully) have freedoms like driving and leaving the house whenever you want to, you can make the choice to leave your church if you need to, and the most important part is that it might help your parents accept it if you tell them as a young adult your gay rather than a teenager. When you come out as a teenager your parents still basically control your life. They can really make it hell if they wish to. If your a young adult, what you say to them should hopefully make a better impact and maybe shift there views if they need shifting.

Granted, this is all "Worse case scenario". You could maybe come out now and it would be fine, just judging from what you shared it seems like you would get some negative response.

In the end though, remember this: Most often the right time to come out is when being in the closet is causing your life more pain than the potential pain you could face if you came out. If the pros outweigh the cons, then your ready. Being in the closet can do horrible things to you mentally and even physically so if its too much to hold in for another few years, dont be afraid to let it out.

 

In a setting like that, it's very unwise to come out.

Wait.

It won't kill you, promise.

 

Unfortunately, I'd be tempted to wait if I were you.

Your boyfriend should understand. If he doesn't, and he moves on, it wasn't meant to be. At 16 you're likely to have a few boyfriends before you find 'THE ONE' anyway.

I'm glad you've found this site. If nowhere else, you can be yourself here in Emptyclosets.

 

Oh my gosh, it would SO not be better for you to end it all to avoid dealing with those problems!

Not that those problems aren't real or hard to deal with, but they're things that will change with time. I know that's pretty useless in the short term but it is true...

Obviously now we all understand a bit better why you are so into your new boyfriend and why it's so important to you (well, beyond the fact that he's your first boyfriend!).

I would think the way you're feeling is totally understandable/normal. You feel really isolated and like you're lying to the people you love. Of course that's going to make you unhappy. But you aren't actually alone--some of your friends know and you've just connected to a lot of great people on here.

And yeah, if you want to see it that way, sure, you are lying to people who care about you. But you aren't doing it out of malice, you're doing it out of self-preservation. The whole Baptist thing is an incredibly hard thing to deal with if you're gay. I don't think anyone who really cares about you would blame you for not being open about how you feel. In fact, I'm sure eventually you'll find out some of them will feel heartbroken at the thought that you suffered in silence. Dealing with being gay can be really hard at the best of times--being 16 and in a super-evangelical environment makes it all that much more hard. You're embedded in a culture that could (not necessarily will, but definitely could) offer up some serious rejection. Which of us WOULDN'T be hiding how we felt?!

I know it might not feel like it right now, but you can get through this. It might not be easy, it might be the hardest thing you ever do, but you can do it. You just need to keep in mind that there is a whole wide world outside the borders of Lansing, Michigan... as Shakespeare so eloquently puts it: "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Life changes, people change, and more importantly, your environment can and will change. People can, and will, surprise you.

But, at the moment, I think you are doing the prudent thing in not coming out to a bunch of people. If all the various groups you belong to are Baptist Christian ones, then coming out could result in you losing all your support networks in one fell swoop, and that would not be something I'd wish on anyone.

At the same time, I think you should give yourself a lot of credit--I didn't admit my feelings for other guys until I was nearly 20! I mean, okay I was at a conservative all-boys school, but there was none of the religion stuff to deal with and my parents were pretty liberal people... and yet I was still so afraid of how people would react that I essentially was in deep denial for nearly five years. I can't imagine what it would have been like to actually consciously know I was gay during those years and not be able to tell people.

If you continue to feel suicidal, I'd really, really recommened you contact one of the EC Advisors or Moderators by private message (I'd offer but you're a regular member and they can't be contacted privately except by advisors or mods) or even call somewhere like The Trevor Project <http://www.thetrevorproject.org/>. Talking to "real live" people about being gay is even better than talking to people about it online. Also, it looks like Lansing has a PFLAG chapter (parents, friends, and families of lesbians and gays) at http://www.geocities.com/pflaglansing/ In fact, there looks like there's plenty of PFLAG chapters around Lansing... they're a great group and it might be worth contacting them or even attending a meeting or two if you feel up to it.

I would definitely recommend sticking around EC... sometimes just seeing the sheer number of other people who are dealing with issues that are similar to yours can be really helpful.

Stay strong!

 

Hey MattieLover. I know it feels horrible to deceive people, but are you doing this not because you want to, but because you need to. I agree with everything Joey says. Additionally, with the 'one or two' friends that do know, can you ask them for some additional help as you try to figure how to go forward? They hopefully are extra special friends who you can trust and get feedback from. You've been amazingly strong so far, you can continue to chart your course!!

 

(*hug*)

Being who you are, where you are, in the situation that you're in - sucks.

HOWEVER...

Don't think for a minute that you're stuck there forever, or that the situation will never change. Because it will. Don't EVER lose sight of that. Having come to understand at the age of 16 that you're gay is actually rather amazing. You seem to be OK with that yourself, it's just your circumstances that are getting you down. And your entitled to feel down.

I've been in that really dark and lonely place where I also wondered if it was all worth it. I was coming to terms with the fact I was gay, I was married, I had two children, (I was struggling with an addiction as well), and I really couldn't see a future for myself. I should add that I was very well insured... and felt that my financial obligations to my wife and kids would be taken care of.

Thankfully I had enough sense to call my therapist that lonely January morning instead of remaining at home alone. And things started to turn around after that.

And now, 28 months later? I've never been happier. I'm in recovery from my addiction, I absolutely LOVE the fact that I'm gay. I have a boyfriend who is absolutely amazing. I still have a great relationship with my ex wife and my two little girls. I bought myself a sporty little convertible because I deserved it (or thought I did!) and things continue to just get better all the time.

So know that you're not alone. Know that where you are now isn't where you'll always be. Know that things can and will get better for you. Know that there's nothing 'wrong' with you because you're gay. Know that you have people here to talk to whenever stuff get's you down. Know that you can send me a private message any time - as I am one of the moderators here.

Again - welcome to EC. As Joey suggests, stick around. You'll find this site really helpful in coming to terms with and dealing with the challenges you have in your life around your orientation. It certainly helped me.

 

Welcome to EC!

I did come out to a conservative family, and went to a baptist school. As most ppl know on here, they didn't let me back for my senior year. I would make sure you have a strong support system before you do anything, and then make sure you take it slow. If you decide to come out you are a very brave person, and it will change your life for the better regardless of when you do it!