I have a lot to be happy about in my life, and consciously, I know this. The problem is that, more and more frequently, I am having times when I think that life is not worth living and that I have nothing to be happy about. These feelings are always philosophical in nature, such as feeling that my life has no real purpose because I will just die eventually and nothing I leave behind will remain forever, or the fact that happiness is all I really want out of life but it is so damn elusive. I also frequently realize that I have no real idea what makes me happy. There's also the fact that the people around me are much more dishonest than me but they get the same results out of life than I do. Most of my feelings end up being about the general futility of my daily existence. These moments sometime get so bad that I consider suicide, but I then remember that there are people in my life who love me, and if I were to kill myself, I would be abandoning them. These moments are always temporary, and are usually brought on by an event of a negative nature, but what scares me is the frequency and intensity of these moments. They've begun happening at least a few times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. They also seem to happen a the drop of a hat. The littlest thing like a stressful assignment or not enjoying something I usually enjoy can make me think that life is completely pointless and that I have no reason to keep on living this miserable existence. I know that I probably feel happiness just as strongly and just as frequently, but the problem is that I don't remember my times of happiness. When I think about the past, all I can remember are the many times when I felt utterly hopeless. I know what it takes to be happy. I know that altruism and friendship is the way to be happy, and that exercise and goal-based activities with tangible results are the next best thing, but even when I do these things, they can't make the feelings of futility go away. They don't even reduce the frequency of said feelings. This post may be a bit jumbled since I have difficulty putting my problems into words, but I hope I put enough in there for someone to give me advice. What can I do to stop these moments of misery before they start. How can I get out of them? How can I remember the better times in my life so that these moments of misery aren't as powerful? How can I stop these feelings that my life is completely futile? How can I stop being so philosophical? (philosophy has never made me happy) Will these feelings of futility ever stop?
I'll tell you that your thoughts are common and, to a degree, healthy. If one doesn't question one's motives or worthiness from time to time...well, I think that's where the Hills comes from. But if these questions are becoming more and more frequent... If it's getting harder to move onto other, more pleasant thoughts... If they're starting to interfere with your daily life... ...then you might be slipping into depression. I've been there twice. 1994 and 2008. And it sucked more than anything. Not only did these huge questions and depressing thoughts occupy my thoughts almost nonstop, but my brain started thinking that that was how I was SUPPOSED to be. And it isn't. Life can be serious, sure, but it's supposed to kick ass while you live it. What should you do? A couple things. First off, you might go see your a doctor and get a physical once-over. This probably doesn't have a simple physical cause, but it'd be a good idea to be sure. You might also talk about either getting into therapy or getting onto anti-depressants. I was put on them last year, and I was worried that I'd be "zombified" or "fake happy". And that didn't happen at all. It just slowly allowed me to think of other things. Secondly, bring people aboard. Let them know you're having some problems with negative thoughts, and that sometimes you'll be looking for something to help distract you. I found my friends and family were great at talking about anything and nothing when I needed to, or taking me out for some cheap fun when I needed a distraction. Lex
Check your email inbox. EDIT: I would also let your mother know what's going on; she's amazing as it is, and I'm sure she'll make you feel better as well as get you any help you need .
I would echo Lex's thoughts. I think to question one's purpose in this life, and to seek understanding, is very normal and healthy. But it does sound like the frequency and depth of the mood swings is something that might be worth looking at. I'd encourage you to try some other things before making medication your first choice. Sometimes, even some minor dietary or even lifestyle changes (exercise, more sunlight) can make a big difference in mood. While I agree with Lex that medication has it's place, and some people (possibly including you) might need the assistance that medication can provide, on the whole, people are grossly over medicated, because doctors want to see more patients and it's easier to write a prescription than to spend the time to get to the root of what's causing the problem, and that isn't a good thing for anyone. Also, I don't know if you make use of any recreational drugs, but for some people, even infrequent use of pot or ecstasy can cause longer-term effects on mood because both of them have effects on the serotonin systems in the brain that moderate mood. Most other drugs also affect either the dopamine or serotonin systems and have similar effects. I bring it up only because sometimes people overlook the possible effects of occasional recreational drug use. Bottom line is, what you're experiencing is a very common and very solvable problem.
Well let me first tell you, I'm not reading the other's posts because I'll just do one of my own and try to answer all the Q&A first. Let me first start off by saying, if you were going to commit suicide--you'd have done so already. Second, what it seems to be you're lacking is a dream. A end goal. Some way to leave your mark on the world. It takes people many years to figure out what that dream or goal is. Many struggle with it their entire lives. I think that's what you're missing. Without a purpose, life is nothing but the accumulation of experience, without any worth. My dream is to write a series of books and become an RN at the same time. For that reason and that reason alone, I live on. Because I have nothing else to live for. Who told you exercise and altruism is goin to cure depression? Well, let me tell you, the only cures that can be found are in pills or yourself. The only way I've cured my depression (that I've encountered like 4 times, I mean the serious stuff) is by reaffirming my dreams. Finding some me time and goofing off. Trying to coax myself into a happier mindset. By doing so, I raise my mood back up to reasonable levels and by working towards my dream again I can set my feet back on the proper road. How can I stop these moments of misery before they start?How can Iremember the better times in my life... No. Don't. Unless you're really remembering the best sex in your life, the past is the past. Let it go. Don't harbor, harp or fancy it. It's done and over with. Many people reflect on the past but the best thing to do (in my opinion) is to keep on the present and start looking forward to the future. But those feelings will stop eventually. We get analytical like that because we lose our way. Because we go "Wtf am I living for?" If you were goin to kill yourself you would've done so by now. The fact that you haven't means you haven't lost all hope, just most. (*hug*)
