I, for some reason, seem to separate the fact that I like women from the idea that I am therefore, by definition, either bisexual or a lesbian (or one of the dizzying numbers of other descriptors out there that mean 'hay everybody im not straight!'). Because if someone asked me, "Do you find women attractive? Would you date one?" I'd say "Hell yes!", but if someone said "So are you gay or bi or whatever?" I'd gibber and go "Well I don't know about that..." ... But I still can't call myself straight either, because I just know that's not true. I guess growing up around a lot of homophobia sort of turned LGBT folk into an "Other" for me. Nobody close to me was actually outright hateful, but growing up, nobody talked about it and I always was under the impression it was an uncomfortable subject. Now it's weird coming to terms with the fact that I am part of that "other". I know I haven't changed, I'm still just me, but I'm having trouble processing it for some reason. I don't feel quite comfortable with groups of straight people who assume I'm straight too, yet I feel a bit out of my depths around people who I know are queer. (Though, in that respect, EC has helped immensely.) My friends and what family I'm out to are all so incredibly supportive, but it's still hard to talk about. It's weird thinking about me having to be 'out' about anything. I still choke back comments like "Oh man, she's so cute!", even around people who either know about me, or wouldn't care. I find myself holding myself back in really little, stupid ways, and it's hard not to. I don't know where this shame is coming from! I'd really like it to go away. A friend invited me up to Pride with her, and I'm going, and I'm really hoping that helps, but in the meanwhile I'm nervous as hell about it! I seem to bounce between "I'm not gay enough to make a fuss!" and "Oh crap people are gonna hate me for being queer when they ask where I've been", I don't even seem to be able to pick a fear. (Add those to 'what if my plane crashes' and I'm a jittery mess lately, haha.) I feel like I'm in a kind of limbo. I acknowledge what I'm not, but it's still weird to think about what that means I am. I'm so not used to thinking of myself as being anything-sexual! It was just easier to assume I wasn't worth being with or being loved, therefore I'd never have to stick my neck out there and risk getting hurt. Obviously, this has done me no favors. =/ I've just always had confidence issues, in every area of life, and this is such a major part of life and auugh! Is it something that comes with time? Do I just need to fake confidence until I actually manage to develop some of my own? I am so envious of people who are so out and proud about it, or to whom it's just a fact of life and really no big deal, 'cause it's still kind of a big deal to me. Halp?
I knew a guy who said, "I don't want to be called 'gay'. I wish there was a term that let people know I was interested in guys, you know?" I said, "Well, there is a term for that. And that term is 'gay'." A lot of people "fear the label". And usually when they do, I read rants about how we shouldn't have to label things, and why should you get tied down to labels, etc etc. But the fact is - the label is rarely the problem. You wouldn't mind being called "interested in women (in addition to, perhaps, men)". But you do mind being called "lesbian" or "bisexual". So what's the difference? Baggage. I'm a Coloradoan. That means one thing, and one thing only. I'm from Colorado. I live within the confines of those four straight lines that make the borders of this state. That's all the label means. But, like many labels, it comes with some baggage attached. People, upon seeing that I'm a Coloradoan, might think I listen to John Denver music, or that I go skiing a lot, or that I'm a diehard Denver Bronco fan. As it ends up, all three are incorrect. Not a John Denver fan, haven't been skiing in twenty years, and couldn't care less about the football team. But that's some baggage that comes with the Coloradoan label. Similarly, you're a Texan. (If not by birth, then by location.) And there's baggage to go along with that. You brag a lot, you wear a cowboy hat, and you're a huge Cowboy fan. And, presumably, not all of that's true. But you wouldn't deny the Texan label. After all, you ARE in Texas. You just dismiss the baggage that people might attach to it. You'd say "I wish people didn't think all Texans wore cowboy hats all the time", not "I wish I could just be from Texas, and people wouldn't get hung up on labels like 'Texan'." It's exactly the same with your sexuality. You ARE, apparently, bisexual or a lesbian. By definition. But what bothers you isn't the fact that you are, I think, so much as what people might infer from that. That you're butch, that you hate men, that you can fix cars, whatever one you want to trot out. That's some of the baggage that comes along with the "lesbian" label. And presumably, much of it isn't true. Just like I don't listen to showtunes, and I don't own rainbow short shorts, and I actually DO have season tickets to a contact sport. (Just not the Broncos.) The key, I think, is to not get caught up in the baggage and stereotypes. Will some people think this stuff? Sure. But who cares? The people who know you and care about you will realize that they're just stereotypes, and aren't necessarily true of you. Lex
Hmm...well, you know that you aren't straight. Maybe you just need some time to accept whether you're bi or gay or whatever. For a while, I knew that I liked boys but I tried not to think about the word gay. As for the pride thing, I bet you're just nervous, that's all. Hmm I am not the best at giving advice. As I am in the middle of typing this I see Lex has posted something. You should read that. But hey! It's no biggie. Just relax, have fun at pride. Enjoy yourself!
Very well spoken, Lex. I actually needed to hear this, as well. I still have a very hard time saying "I'm gay" - only time I didn't was when I was talking to my gay friend. I do know where you're coming from, Ghost. A label should never serve to cause people to infer things that are not true.
I can understand where you are coming from. You feel that by calling yourself gay you are labeling yourself, and that can seem like you’re giving yourself limits. Don’t sweat it! Everyone’s journey is a little different, but thousands of people feel the way you do. Hopefully knowing you’re not alone is a little comforting. There is no time limit on figuring things out, I know it seems like there is, but there isn’t. You all the time you need…all the time in the world. (*hug*)
Double that. Also, I'd say that for me gay=different. But I don't want to be labeled as different, I am the same with the small difference of which gender I am attracted to.
I had really not considered it in these terms! That does make a lot of sense. Yeah, come down to it, I'm worried about people seeing me as the same kind of outsider I used to think GLBT people were (again, not because people around me hated them, but it was just never discussed, and I had no real exposure to any of it so I was just ignorant of what being gay meant). But, ha, hiding makes that worse, since I could be another voice saying "Hey, we're just people. Seriously." It's been sort of eye-opening going through this process, realizing how many prejudices I had but didn't realize I had. It's really rather astounding. I'm probably just going to have to work through being shy about it, and make myself be a little more out there. I annoy myself feeling like this, so if nothing else, that's a sign I know it's not right. ;P
Oddly enough, i was surfing YouTube last night and found this video. Seems pretty appropriate. [YOUTUBE]tsjOlsG9ZG4[/YOUTUBE]
I've had this same problem. I always hesitated to call myself gay because of what Lex said, baggage. To me, the word "gay" seems to insinuate that I wear rainbow pride accessories and lisp. That I wear tight pink clothes and obsess over fashion. But I'm not any of those things at all. I always wished there was another term to describe what I am; a new one that didn't have stereotypes attached to it. But in the end, it would mean the same thing. Still, I like to call myself "heterosexually impaired".
I used to be similar. I couldn't say the words "I'm gay" or "I'm a lesbian" out loud. And I could not stand it when people said those words to me, gay, lesbian, queer, dyke. Basically for the same reasons other people have said, there are certain stereotypes attached to each one that I hate being linked to. I'm fine with gay and lesbian now, but I still, I just hate the word dyke.
I'm in the same boat! I feel super out of place with people who assume I'm straight, but at the same time I don't always feel like I belong to the gay community. It's kind of awkward to feel like that. But, as far as the labeling thing, like Lex said, you can accept the label, but you don't need to take all of the baggage with you, as not all of it applies. And if you really are that uncomfortable with having a label, just say that you are "attracted to women (along with men)" or just come up with something yourself. Just don't get caught up into a label that you're overly uncomfortable with, it can get you caught in bad places:bang: If you want to talk some more about it, feel free to PM me!
