Recall of my situation to catch you up: I moved out of state transfered jobs and just recently moved back home. I just started hanging out with some old friends and guy's (one in particular) that I really liked while here. It's 4 guys that are involved. (aliased) Mel- my best friend. HUGE history between us with some physical & he has a BF Josh- guy I met through friends who I've liked from day one. We're VERY similar and I've kinda admitted my crush to him once but we've just never clicked to something more. Adam- Hot/great guy from my old job. A tiny bit older (26) I like him but he's SO good looking I've never thought he felt the same about me so its easier to let it go with him. Trevor- compatible friend who I really like from my old job- sometimes feels like we could be more but sometimes not. Before I left 3 things happend to set up this story. 1)Me and Mel had a huge dissagreement over a different guy I was talking to and kinda dating- Zach (the guy) was talking to me and I introduced Mel then Zach asked Mel out. Now although it wasn't Mel's fault I felt a bit betrayed that Mel thought he could still be friends with Zach even though it was obvious I liked Zach and Zach liked him. It felt like one of those rules "you can't date you're best friends "ex" (though we weren't really ex's). 2)My group of friends all knew about my HUGE thing for Josh. Josh sorta dated another mutual friend Isaac then stopped. (Currently Isaac is Mel's BF) 3)After my move I felt I wouldn't be around any of these guys so I kinda helped Adam talk to Josh on myspace. (I now found out it didn't go anywhere quickly) That sets up the history for my next post which is what I need the advice on. I feel its too long and dramatic! So if not interested you can just read the next post for the actual story.
As a welcome back me and some friends went out to a club, and last minute invited the guy I like, Josh, to join us. We had SUCH a good time we decided to do it again this Tuesday so when the time came some things changed. Mel, Josh and I still wanted to go but our friend said she wasn't able to. On monday I ate dinner at my old work and invited Adam and Trevor. I hoped things wouldn't be awkward with Adam and Josh since they'd met on myspace (because of me) and as it was would be awkward now because Josh, Mel, and I have a weird dynamic. (Sidenote: while i was gone Josh kinda had a thing for Mel, I'm told ---& Adam has always said he liked Mel when we'd be at work looking through my phone) It just felt all wrong- I would be there with EVERY guy I like in one place. No extra friend as a buffer- AND my best friend who has a BF has been "LIKED" by most of them! We got there and Adam had been drinking already he kept trying to get me talking to Josh because I told him I liked him. (not knowing I like him TOO!) The show ends and we go out on the dancefloor and get separated. I stay dancing with Trevor and Josh dances with Mel a little further from us. That was kinda disheartening already because out of all of them JOSH is who I actually think I would work best with, but we came together so it was fine. Then Adam gets behind Mel and they are all in a train! Josh-Mel-Adam. I was soo bothered. I tried just having a good time with Trevor but I couldn't help feel jealous and sad and angry at how things played out so I left the dancefloor and went near the restrooms to hide and get myself together. Eventually they walked by and I turned so they wouldn't see me. (I knew full well Mel my BEST friend would know what was wrong and come looking for me- he knew how I would feel about what happened and so he was sad cuz he felt he hurt me) The whole situation sucked. Eventually I joined them and found out Adam was pretty drunk and grabbing on Mel and Josh so they told him off to get him to stop. Adam left and the rest of the night was alright- me just trying to ignore what happend and pretending to be fine. OK NEXT is my complaint about everything (I know it's long guys and a lot of twist and names- thanks if you actually kept up I think it'll help to get off my chest)
I'm sad about everything because out of all the guys I like- THEY ALL END UP LIKING MY BEST FRIEND MEL. That's probably the top of the list of why I was hurt. I get frustrated with Mel but I know it's not his fault and he genuinely trys to push them away once they like him, as a FAVOR to me. That just makes me feel worse, he has to push away guys because he wants me to have a chance? It's just not as helpful as you'd think. Makes me feel like a pity case. My other problem is just me being mad at myself for not having balls to TRY and be forward with ANY of these guys so that it develops or CLEARLY DOESNT into a relationship. I feel like its just a bunch of guys I tell people I like but I don't make any attempts to be with them more than friends. I blame my insecurity with myself- I feel like I'm not good enough so I don't try. Josh has been the longest crush. Funny thing is I was finally giving up on him and moving on because he NEVER showed me a sign or signal he was interested too- until now that i've moved back. I feel he's giving me more response now and both times at the club he kinda gives me the feeling he wants me to make a move. (doesn't help he's shy and not forward either) When me and Mel talked about the events he also lets me know what Adam told him that night --- TO MAKE THINGS MORE COMPLICATED. When I invited Adam I told him my crush on Josh jokingly since I'd tried to hook them up (believing I don't have a chance with Adam anyway). So Mel tells me BEFORE Adam was feeling up on him he was asking about me and said "I wish he wasn't so into that guy" (Josh). "But he wouldn't want to be with me I'm 26 and he's 20"!!!!!!!!!! I'm just TOOOOOOOO close to the situation to see any direction I should take. If you read this far PLEASE give me some advice or your perspective of the situation.
Haha, I read it all. Do I get a cookie? My advice is that the only way to go forward here is that you've got to get away from this group dynamic. Just ask one of the guys - either Adam or Josh - out on a date, or a get-reacquainted night out, or whatever you want to call it, but just the two of you. And I'd recommend Adam because each of you has interest in each other but have not verbally expressed it before, so who knows what could happen? Sounds like he might be very happy to go out with you. And I will say that Mel sounds like a great friend to you.
hey, i read it to the end, so i thought i best post at least something, but i dunno if its going to help much. firstly, i think that the part one part of this that i can most relate to is the bit where you said about hiding away from the dance floor so that you could get yourself together. i do this a lot, if a situation gets the better of me ill walk away from it and not want to tell anyone about it. ive had that kind of anger/upsetness/jealousy before, and i think that its understandable. so i wanted to say that i can empathise with you completely with regards to that. well, this part is the actual advice, but im in no position to say that any of this will actually be useful. i would say that it sounds like you are prioritising, having like a ranking order system, this might not be a bad thing, but i would say that it limits progression. if you think of it like 'this guy is better than the other guy' and so on, it can get very difficult to cope with. instead, just think of it like 'i like differents guys for different reasons', if that makes sense? you seem to talk about this Josh guy a lot, why not suggest to meet up with him just for something like lunch or something not anything involving alcohol or anything too serious... what is the worse that could happen? you dont click, or it doesnt go the way you wanted? well isnt that the same situation you have now, so you haven't much to lose. dont take it too seriously though, dont see it as a date, rather just meeting up with a friend? then your hopes wont get too high the age thing - personally i do not think that 5/6 years (older) difference is that much of a big thing at your age, but this is simply my opinion. yeah, just be more outgoing i suppose. arrange stuff individually, involving you + one of them, and then -if it would be too weird just the two of you- some other mutual friends that are not so heavily involved? sorry if i misunderstood any of that, or got it completely wrong.
k well i think that u have gotten yourself in the middle of a group of friends, and there is no simple answer, u might just to have some balls an put ureself out there, which i know u feel insecure and all, but sometimes if u want something then u have to take it, lets face it these guys aren't mind readers, so if i was u i would try 4 josh, in the end he's the one u like, and ok he might not have shown interest, but if u like him then if u do nothing u will only end up wondering what if. And i'm sorry if everyone seems to like mel, sometimes that kinda thing just happens, but u seem like a nice guy, so don't give up, if this doesn't resolve then mabye look outside this group of guys???plenty more gay fish in the sea
Well, my first thought is I think you have a future career writing soap opera plots. But... to seriously answer your question, I'd say if you're really interested in Adam, go after him. He's obviously interested in you, would be flattered, and you could just see where it leads. Or go after Josh if he's of more interest. But the advice to get away from the group and spend some time individually with whomever is your interest is crucial; you won't be able to really connect with anyone unless you spend some time with them individually. And also... don't do something like going to a club where it's so loud you can't hear each other, or a movie where you're sitting without talking for 2 hours. Do something you can do together and talk... go to lunch or dinner, go sailing or bowling or something like that, or even to a lecture or poetry reading or something where you can spend time discussing it afterwards.
Funny enough I am a creative writing major! I know it sounds like I have a dramatic life but I just wanted to be thourough with the story! All I have is chocolate chip is that ok? But really yeah I know I need to step up and push for something PERSONAL with one of them. I'm kinda leary about Adam now because of him groping up on Mel and Josh - BUT he did say those comments that prove he's prolly interested in something more. And Mel and I have been through A LOT- couldn't meet a better friend we know everything about each other. You definitely got it spot on. Josh seems to be the MOST compatible out of them and thats why I lean towards him soooooo much, I don't think I prioritize so much though because it's true like you said, they are all guys I like for different reasons. The other night I felt a sudden courage and REALLY wanted to call and ask Josh out for a "get together" just me and him. Of course I chickened out- but that was the closest I'd thought of actually doing it. I don't think the age thing is a problem either- I've always liked Adam and I've known his age from the beginning. He definitely isn't older LOOKING AT ALL not that it matters but it was shocking that he mentioned it, as if maybe that was holding him back from being forward with me. When me and him met he was the first to come up to me at work and ask about me being gay and then invited me over to help him with his computer at his house a few times. I hashed things out with my mom about everything and she noticed the same thing- a close group of the same people, I guess because we are all actually similar "loyal=not cheating- not just after hookups" plus other things but it's hard to venture when you're around people you genuinely like/get along with. I do need to get some balls and just try to make it work with one of them though, agreed. Pride kicks off tomorrow, I wanted to invite Josh to go with me and maybe Mel. Hopefully it's a good time. I'm so relieved I got actual imput from everyone who replied!!!!! thanks guys for helping see things I missed and reading through everything!(&&&)
I kinda just went through a sick and tired of it moment. I have a lot of personal things going on and realized this guy drama was making me worse. I invited Josh to Pride and found out he'd been calling Mel to see if Mel wanted to go with him. That was just all I could take, I mean he has my number and out of Mel and I, he asks Mel to go. I'm not competing for anyone, or wasting my time if a guy isn't interested so I gave up on it. Mel went with me and Josh continued texting Mel asking "where we were" but I didn't care and Mel didn't either because he knew I was over Josh. So I will be single but at least happy and drama free. (There's now ONE MORE new guy in the picture trying to be with Josh, don't get me started on that trainwreck!) So best advice was "seek out other guys." I guess one might come along but at the moment I'm good solo!
^ Yeah, Adam was my suggestion too. But single is another good solution! I'm sorry about Josh though. But I do think it's sweet of Mel to go with you to pride when Josh was pining for him and not you
I just got fed up with the whole situation of guys. As flattering as it was to hear that Adam was possibly interested, I can't deny him hitting on Mel and Josh that night. I don't want to put myself out there with someone I don't really feel is serious, because that's what I am.
