Today I feel really guilty about being bi. No clue why. It didn't start until like 8, and it's like this sinking feeling in my chest and stomach like it's something I should be ashamed about even though I know I shouldn't be. I haven't felt guilty about it in so long, I thought I was making progress in fully accepting myself and hopefully being open about it soon. I think it was a comment my friend made that spurred it. He said "You're so socially gay, you're not gay but you're socially gay." and that really bothered me for some reason. Even though he wasn't being malicious. Idk; I guess it kind of brought me back to middle school when I really didn't know about being gay or bi or whatever. It was just engraved in me by other kids that it would be bad for me to like boys. I would get teased even though I never said I liked boys I guess some of my mannerisms give me away. Idk. I guess it just sucks because I thought my skin had gotten thicker when really it hasn't. *Sigh*
I get like that on days, my day can be going well and all of a sudden I start hating myself because I am gay. I don't understand how some people can be so comfortable with themselves and others not so much ...
Yea, you have the cause pinpointed. Its the fact you have been taught since you were little that liking boys is a bad thing. Its NOT a bad thing, and im sure you know that on some level, but all the brainwashing from family, school, friends, media and otherwise goes deep. Its hard to just say "I know im bi. I know thats ok." when your whole life you have been told otherwise. Basically, your most likely just fighting yourself. Thats why you have good days and bad days. Ive gone through this, im going through this, and ill continue to be going through this for a long time. It definitely gets easier though. The more you come out the more people you can get supporting you and the more people you have supporting you the better you will feel about yourself. Time will also help. As the months roll by oh so slowly you might find you have more good days and less bad days. Dont worry, im sure you have gotten better. You probably felt a whole lot worse in middle school than you do today, right? (*hug*) Just stay strong and anytime your feeling down dont hesitate to come to EC and vent or chat or whatever you need to do. You have support here, dont forget it!
We may be born gay,but we're certainly not born to be comfortable with it. I'm not saying this cos I'm OLD(ugh!),but I think the older you get,the more comfortable you get. For me,I guess I got to the point of not giving a shit what others thought about me. I was sick of idiotic comments,stupid questions,homophobes & bigots and people telling me that I just haven't found the right man,yet! When I decided to live my life MY way,I realized I was quite comfortable,in my own skin. It took a long time to really feel okay with being gay. I think it has a lot to do with society,religion,and others perceptions of gay people. I know it doesn't answer the question,as such,but it's just how I came to accept & like myself,for who I am.
Its all the shit youve been taught that makes you feel guilty. Theyre full of it. You like vagina and dick. Learn it and love it. Theres no reason to feel guilty. Youre god damn blessed to be bi. You have the option to go back and forth at will.
You're still in the process of coming out and as everyone else has said, it can be hard to accept yourself. Even after I'd been out for 3 or 4 years, I still sometimes froze when people would ask me if I was gay. It's normal, and it will definitely get better as you feel more comfortable being open with the people around you.
