I'm dealing with something similar to a post below but didn't want to thread jack. Still trying to figure out where my sexuality stands. One moment I'll be driving down the road and see a random girl out of the corner of my eye and I feel like I have to check her out, look at her butt and stuff see if she's pretty, what not. Sometimes a random girl will be walking with a guy, then I kind of say to myself but don't you think he's hot, and I'll kinda stare and try and find something, sometimes I do but not usually I dunno. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of one way or the other. Maybe I'm 50/50 bisexual, or bisexual bi polar. My mood seems to be up and down a lot. I know I suffer from depression but i feel it's probably directly related to this dilemma, I talked to my therapist about it, but don't really feel like I got anywhere. He just told me to think whatever happens happens, not to worry about it or whatever. And I go around and tell myself that, but then I freak out and obsess over stupid shit like do I look gay? was that gay? did that sound gay? is that guy gay? is my dad gay? Usually just one thought, mulling it over and over in my head. And I know that none of that even matters because none of it means you are gay or not, only what you are sexually attracted to is. I can't even masturbate because I get confused when I'm trying to get aroused, it's like I'm afraid to let my mind take control of itself? One day I get aroused staring at pics of a girl I dated when I was younger who is quite attractive now. Another day randomly months later I look a pictures of dudes junk and I get aroused. WTF? Not to mention now with the meds I'm on for depression (lexapro) I feel like I've lost a lot of my sexdrive just in general. Also a kind of loss of stoke on life and things that used to get me excited or do for most everyone else. Why can't I just know and feel comfortable with my sexuality and get on with my life? I keep trying to get on with my life and let the other part come but I keep coming crashing down back into depression or just not caring. I fucking don't know anymore.
Hi there! Welcome to EC! Questioning your sexual identity is hard. It involves a lot of emotions and it can become overwhelming very fast. But you are trying to deal with it and trying to figure out who you are, and that is good. As you are realizing, it involves a lot of work figuring out what all the feelings mean. Even if you feel that you are not getting ahead by talking to your counselor, you are actually making progress. Talking to your counselor/therapist is already a step forward. I think it might be good if you don't attach a label at this point, if you ever have to. As you try to explore your feelings, over time, these feelings will crystallize and things will become clearer. From what you have said, it is possible that you are bisexual but prefer girls over guys. But there is also the chance that it might turn out the other way around. The bottom line though is, go really with what you feel comfortable with. In understanding your feelings, try to talk to others who have gone through the same process that you are going through. Maybe try joining a LGBT support group in your community or at school. Sharing experiences can be very helpful because then you can place your own feelings into a bit of a context. Plus, getting to know a few members within the LGBT community could help you to become a lot more comfortable with yourself. Plus it could also help you to get some of your energy in your life back. A lot of LGBT groups have social events that are open to everyone and generally welcoming. Maybe try something along these lines as well. I think at some stage we are trying to convince ourselves of one way or the other (in particular during moments of feeling overwhelmed and helpless) because then it is over and we can continue with our lives. But if we convince ourselves of something, we are just deferring the inevitable (i.e. coming to terms with it). Try to take it easy and slow. If you see a girl and think to yourself, she is cute or hot, accept it. The same goes for guys. Make a mental note of it but maybe try not to analyze it in every detail. Because even if you don't analyze it too much, you will figure it out, either through the level or attraction (emotional and physical) or through a relationship with someone. It is clear that you are very self conscious which is good, but at the same time, maybe try not to put questions to everything. What I mean here is that if you say something, sor example, try not to question it as to whether this was gay. For example, what does sound gay and what does not? I have made the mistake for thinking that straight guys are gay just by the way they talk. I figured very quickly that it doesn't work that way. Hopefully, as you figure things out, your depression will subside as well. As you have said, it could be connected to what you are going through. This is not easy stuff. (*hug*) We are all here for you. Please feel free to pm me or any of the other advisors/moderators at any time. Hope this helps a bit!
I feel quite the same very often. Even down to the bi polar bisexual part of it. Depends on my mood and all...I've "come out" as gay, but always question it, because I really can't tell where I will end up since my feelings seem to change so often. I guess it's natural to not know the future with these things, which is probably why most people say to just go with the flow. Coming out has complicated the matter in a way, since most people will most likely continue to think that I am gay, which may not end up being the truth. I guess it really doesn't matter what they think though.
You don't say how old you are. But regardless, I'd say that you'll have to just carry on and try to let go. Keep working on being comfortable in your own skin, and eventually you'll have at least some of this figured out. I'm glad you have a therapist who is helping you along that path. The fact of the matter is that NOBODY knows for sure what life has in store, or what other people around us are thinking, or why we find some things or some people more attractive than others. It isn't just you.
Well to add to this, tonight didn't go very well I dunno what's wrong with me, I went to a party at a friends house of mine, I've known him since high school. Felt very uncomfortable kind of out of it. Had a few drinks tried trying to loosen up but just wasn't feeling it, and now I think I'm gay because I would keep catching myself staring at guys there and just kinda zoning out. Was trying to say hello to a few people, who I didn't know or people I hardly recognized, despite meeting them before on several occasions. Eventually I just felt like I needed to leave and just took off without really saying good bye to anyone. Sometimes I feel like every one already knows and is just tormenting me about it, but only because I can't just admit it to myself and feel comfortable with it. Lately I feel as though I don't even know who I am or where I fit. Reading this I sound really self centered, wtf another I.....
Hi there! As Jim mentioned in his post, keep working on becoming comfortable with yourself and try to be yourself. I think I can identify with you to some extent because before I came out I had at times similar feelings. The feeling of needing to withdraw is common. Being afraid if someone is going to catch you is common too. I don't know if you feel ready for it but I would suggest that you might want to try joining a support group. Meeting with others and learning about their experiences could help you in becoming more comfortable and even more out going. Keep talking to your counselor/therapist. Try to understand what it all means to you. You are trying to deal with something that is hard and to come to terms with. But you will get there. (*hug*)
