I've been in a relationship for a couple of months nearly, and all has been going well. We both really enjoy each others company and luv to cuddle. I last saw Him on Sunday morning after spending the night. So here's where it goes Bad. A friend I haven't seen in over a year is back from overseas and we had been planning on catching up. He had planned a BBQ, which clashed with a pre-organised BBQ with my fella, so I couldn't attend my friends party + it would of meant 3 days away which I also couldn't do. So this last week I learn my friend is doing a course down near me and will be around for a week, I discussed with my boyfriend how I don't like going out in the town my friend is staying in as it is rough. Anyway Sunday afternoon I receive a text from my friend asking me to come over for a couple of drinks. So I do telling my boyfriend what I'm up too. Anyway my mate wouldn't stop buying/ drinking, leaving me to look after him/ missing last train home so I ended up crashing in his hotel room friend took the bed/ i took the floor. Yesterday I texted and called my boyfriend and he sounded a little off key, but took it as me reading something that wasn't there. Until I phoned my fella in the late afternoon and he said something like " I am thinking of number one know, its all about me, no one else" which just struck me as very strange thing to say.. Anyway later I received a text while I was working with a friend that read "This Single Old person off to bed now, no need to fib no more." Which got the reaction he intended and I called him straight away.. Long long story short, he is accussing me of cheating on him with me friend (fucking Laugh - he's straighter than the pope) and saying that I had it all planned out from the beginning and I am just playing him. No matter what I said he wouldn't listen to reason and when I asked if we could meet today he said no, maybe soon. I understand he had a couple of bad relationships where he was cheated on for a long time, but I just can't understand how he can jump to conclusions about me, when I have done nothing and he won't listen to anything I say. The last message I sent I just said "I will be waiting for him to be ready to talk and listen, Please keep sending me insults as I enjoy getting Shit for Nothing" Now I am really Happy with this guy and want it to work, but if I have to defend everything I do without him and he can't trust me, then I feel what is the point - I would just walk away, but I am not letting him cast me as the villain who cheated on him and lied. when i haven't. Plus there have been several nights when he has stayed out with his friends and I have never complained. Advice, Opinions, anything...... :tears::tears::***:
i don't think there's really that much you can do other than reassuring him that nothing happened. Give him some space until he's ready to talk, and then let him know in no uncertain terms that you didn't cheat on him. Tell him that he's stayed out with friends several times with no issue from you and ask him why it automatically means you're cheating if you do it. If he continues to be suspicious/jealous and won't accept that you're telling the truth, you deserve better than to stick around and be his verbal punching bag. There's no point in being in a relationship where you're not trusted.
I can understand you were upset, but ending it with: probably didn't accomplish anything. Instead, recognizing that he was upset but also point out how you felt by being accused of something you didn't do would have been more appropriate. I think you'll have to give it time, but if this person tends to be a little paranoid, dramatic, and insecure, then they might not be the right person for you.
i know where your guys coming from i think you two need to sit down and have a talk maybe a nice meal . tell him how much he means to you. i agree it will take time when youve been hurt enough times you lose faith in humanity it takes time to rebuild that just be there for him, you did nothing wrong but its more than that its all his past pain coming back to him. i think all you can do is take the hits and keep going with the love
Cheers for your responses guys.... From just after I posted this we have been chatting on msn most of the day, he contacted me first - didn't get an apology but we are sorta back to a level field again, gonna meet tomorrow not sure what my react will be face to face. I'm happy to be back chatting but I am still feeling very hurt and not sure if i will hold him tight and cry, cry, or just hold him.... either way we have opened up to each other and we both understand that it takes alot for each of us to let someone in, and neither of us wanna go through any shit.... Jim - I know it wasn't the best message to send but after 20 odd messages all telling me i was a worthless cheating barsteward, it made me feel a little better to get some tension out. Adam - I hope I don't have to go through anymore of the hits as you say and if I do, then I hope I got the strength to get past them, but the hurt I felt today was enough for a lifetime already. anyway, good news is we are talking - now lets see what tomorrow brings... cheers again for those that responded outside perspective always helps..
Since he's been hurt before, it's also possible that he's just had a tendency to attract people who were 'unavailable' (meaning, they cheat or otherwise do things to make the relationship not work.) If that's the case, then he probably feels insecure and unworthy himself, and just assumes that everyone will shit on him because, at some level, he feels like he doesn't deserve a good bf. I would suggest trying to let go of the anger and hurt that *you* feel at being unjustly accused, and gently and lovingly let him know you understand his fears, and why he would assume that, but you love him, want to be with him, and would like to talk with him. If he decides to continue with the relationship, you have to sign on with the idea that he will, for probably quite some time, be very jealous/nervous in any situation where there's the slightest thing he could interpret negatively, and just be prepared to be loving and supportive. Over time, he can come to trust, but it probably won't be a quick thing. If he's the sort that would be open to it, you might, after things calm down, suggest that maybe he (or the both of you, if he won't go by himself) seek out some therapy and counseling so that you can both learn to communicate with each other better.
How old is he? Try to understand him. You said yourself that he had been cheated upon in the past. You know why he's insecure. Don't send messages like the last one you sent him. Give him time, give him space. Tell him that you are ready to talk whenever he feels like talking. Be calm and understanding. Also, try to think of what you did wrong. Ofc, you basically didn't do anything wrong. But what you could have done differently so you wouldn't end up in a situation like this? Maybe it's a good idea to ask him, what should you do if something like this happens again. He might be able to tell you, how to calm him down. Trust is difficult to gain and it's very easy to loose it. Be careful. Good luck!
