I have moved to a new city, houston, after college and I am still strugling with coming out. Only one of my friends knows that I am gay and I told him in March. It's overwhelming coming down to houston and looking at houses to rent thinking that I am going to have to start the whole process of being in the closet over again if I am going to live with the people I want to live with. I havent told my parents yet and am wonder if anyone has advice on how best to come out to parents. I feel like after the initial shock it really wont be that big of a surprise but still have not gotten myself to just do it already. I just graduated college and wish I lived closer to my friends, they are all on the east or west coast. It is tough having those closest to you living so far away. They do not know that I am gay but there are some that would understand and I want to tell them but I feel like I owe it to them to tell them face to face. An email might work but it would be completely out of the blue and I kind of want to approach the situation at a different pace than that, any thoughts? There are a significant amount of gay men in the job that I have in houston and I am jealous of them. I am here for at least another two years and do not know what to do. I have never been on a date with a guy nor hooked up with one either. Not to mention this job is extremely new and stressfull...so much going through my head right now I cant keep it all straight.
First off, (*hug*) Now, i gather the main thing you want some help with is coming out to your parents? First off dont feel you have to do it face to face. An e-mail is not so out of blue really, because it all depends on how you word it. Think of it as a blessing your family is far away, for now, because it gives them alot of time to process it and digest it and come to terms with it before they have to see you again. This is good because you dont have to deal with the inital awkwardness. Time is your friend. Remember that. Everyone gets better with the idea that your gay over time. About writing the letter. I suggest you start off by reminiscing and stirring up good emotions. Try and make it mushy and happy. Make sure she knows you love her and that you know she loves you. After that, she will most likely take the gay thing better. After you do tell her your gay make sure to once again re-assure her you still lover her and your still the same son. Try and anticipate any questions she might have while reading the letter and answer them before she gets a chance to ask them. Common things are "What if i did something wrong do make him this way?" "What if he gets AIDS and dies?" "Homosexuality is a choice, so he chose this for himself?". The less your parents have been faced with homosexuality in there life, the more your going to need to explain. I would also give them a link to some information on the official PFLAG website or link to a few good informative youtube videos. Make sure you end on a happy note if you can, and try not to sound too doom-and-gloom about it. This should be a happy time for you! Your breaking free of your closet! Good luck to you however you choose to come out (*hug*)
You should come out however you feel most comfortable. It really is all about you. Consider your options, and go with whatever you think will be the best for you. I'm going to come out to my mom with a game. I am programming a puzzle game and when she gets to the end it displays my coming out message. You see, I chose to make my problem that I have with sharing information about myself into a problem of engineering. How can I write a game in a way that doesn't allow for skipping of levels, and doesn't even have the message stored on the computer? You're good at something. Make it into a problem you can solve with whatever skills you may have.
Maybe it's better to get used to your new job, living in a new city etc., etc. And then when the stress levels decrease, you will have more energy to spend on coming out. Coming out email doesn't have to be out of the blue. As you're living quite far from your friends I'm sure you email, facebook or call each other. And then just add your coming out message to an ordinary conversation. voila! lol. that's one of the most creative coming out plans I have ever heard! :lol: Good luck with that!
At least for me personally, I think waiting for that perfect comfortable moment is a mistake because I don't think it's ever going to arrive (that said you should still be ready to come out, just don't expect every opportunity to be perfect, or make the perfect opportunities yourself if you must have them). I think if you were comfortable enough to tell one friend you should consider sharing it with others. Remember if one person reacts well, then take that as a sign and jump to the next person. You should do it at your own pace, but at this point if you feel it's holding back your happiness, then I would say it's at least worth biting the bullet and telling a couple more friends to see how it goes. You've already done it once, so what's the worst that could happen to do it again?
I think you're right that there will never be a perfect time because it will always be easier to just not say anything. From your experiences has it been easier coming out to friends face to face, i know it would be awkward but at least you could answer questions etc. Or is it easier to send them an email. My friends are all straight and I have never had a gay friend which I regret because having someone close to me that can relate would be great. I know a gay guy from my school and we have hung out a few times but I never thought of telling him my situation. Would it be wierd to ask him for advice? Again my friends are all pretty straight we were all in the same fraternity and I consider them to be one of the most important things in my life. The tought of disrupting what we already have terrifies me, but than there is the other side of the argument... it's a damn shame there is not magical answer that would make this easy. Thanks for any advice, I need it.
I've done both, and to be honest the face to face conversations were usually a lot more pleasant (but there are worse things than coming out through email or over the phone). I had gay friends, but honestly I never confided in them, and it was a push from a random stranger that finally got me to do it. However, if you have someone you hang out you can talk to you should. He's gay, and he'll understand. No gay guy is going to out you so you don't need to worry about that, and sometimes just talking about these things can let you reach the point you need to reach so that you can finally come out. As for your friends, if they've been your friends for a long time, and they're an important part of my life. Trust me, they'll understand (and honestly if they react badly I know this can be hard to accept, but they really aren't worth being friends with). More than likely your friends will be like mine, in that while surprised it will answer a lot of questions (they all thought I was an antisocial 26 year old virgin), but more than anything they'll probably be glad that you could finally share a big part of your life with them, and believe it or not it will bring you closer with your friends (my friendships with my straight friends have only gotten stronger after coming out). As for your last sentence, there there is no magical answer to these questions, but what I'll propose to you a different question, and it's one I thought on for a while and motivated me to come out. Do you think you could live a happy life lying to your friends and never truly connecting with a person you date because you feel the need to hide them from the world? If you can answer yes to that, then you're probably lying to yourself, and if you answer no, then that's the first step. I hope this helps. Feel free to ask any other questions you have. I had a million of them before I came out, and I'm glad I asked them (even if a lot of them were stupid ones like "why can't I be straight too!").
