Here are some extracts from a conversation I had with him today: *** Therapist: You don't have to talk to your parents abour sexuality, that's private. Me: Well, yeah, private up to a certain extent. My brother doesn't keep his wife (or girlfriend when they were not married) locked in the house, hidden from everyone. (...) T: Perhaps you shouldn't care about what your parents think. M: It's not only about them, it's about people in general. I'm afraid of rejection. T: But homosexuality is no longer an issue, gays are accepted as everyone else. M: I don't think I'd be here talking about my anguish if that were true... T: But that's your problem, you see it as something wrong... (Me thinks: Yeah, I'm an intolerant homophobic nazi but society is wonderfully accepting :dry M: Really? And why would my parents feel disappointed if being gay were not considered inferior to being straight? T: Well... perhaps you're just assuming that they'd feel disappointed. (Me finds contradiction: a couple of minutes ago he took my parents' disappointment as a totally natural reaction) Me: I'm sure of how they'd react, they'd probably tell me I'm going through a phase, that I'm confused and need to see a therapist, to which I'd answer that I'm already seeing one... T (interrupting me): I never said you were confused, I just asked how you could be so sure of your sexuality. M: Well there's not much difference between being unsure and being confused... but wait, I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about my parents! Sulky therapist: Yeah but you're parents are also therapists and that reaction you described was similar to what I had told you about being so sure of your choice. Sulky me: It's not a choice! (...) T: Given that this (me afraid of coming out) isn't something possible to resolve now, we should leave that aside and talk about other stuff. *** I feel totally frustrated for opening myself up and expressing my feelings to someone that seems to have little or no understanding of how hard it is to come out. He's asked me numerous times how I could be so sure I was gay ('cause people tend to repress their straight impulses, ya know :dry, and this is not the first time I hear him using the word 'choice', something that enrages me to no end. Why would I want to spend time and money talking to someone that knows nothing about homosexuality and encourages me 'to leave the issue aside'? Perhaps you'll think I'm overreacting, but I just feel so frustrated and pissed off right now!
I am so sorry that you feel this way I can see why you are frustrated! I would be too. This is something that you can't just "Push off to the side" You NEED to talk about this and get it out of your system. I don't think he's being fair with you, and to be honest I was confused by his contradictions =/ But remember, people here care about one another You can always rely on EC to help you with your problems to a certain extent. I am not sure that therapist is helping you out as much as they should =/ They are supposed to make everything clear to you, and that is not so if you are getting frustrated and angry
Going to your therapist should leave you feeling like you've learned something about yourself. It should give you good feelings. If you leave feeling pissed off and wanting to deck him, you need to get a different therapist. Call your closest PFLAG and ask for glbt friendly therapists.
i agree with becky find someone who knows about these things and doesent talk down to you like youve made the choice about somthign and now must jsut take what comes from it:S take care man
If your therapist has that little understanding of you and your issues, and makes you so frustrated, I don't think he's the right therapist for you. Like Becky said, PFLAG would be a good resource for a therapist who understands homosexuality a bit better.
Doesn't sound like the therapist and you mesh well. This is surprisingly common. For some people it takes up to 5-10 tries to find that 'right' one. Not all therapists are culturally competent. While it's nice to assume they are, they're not obligated to be. It sounds like it's time to find a new one. You should leave your therapist feeling better or accomplished in the least but if you're leaving frustrated, spiteful or hateful, then you're coming to impasses. It's very possible to seek LGBTQ therapists as well. Before going to one, ask if they have any that are offered. Where I live, there are about 20 within the University area that cater to specialized groups. One is specific to LGBTQ and one to Transgendered/Gender Queer, some to Blacks and such. You just need to find someone that fits you. Finding the right therapist is like trying on new clothes.
Well first of all your therapist is being judgemental and not open to you as a person! It seems like hes trying to get his own views across which isnt what a therapist is supposed to do!! I am currently training to be a counselling psychologist and it seems your therapist is breaking fundamental requirements of what it is to be a therapist. I mean that the basic qualities are the first thing they teach you!! Maybe think about changing?
I agree. If you're not happy when you go to see your therapist, then don't continue to see him. What is it that you're hoping to get from the work that you're doing with him? I lucked out and really liked my therapist - AND he was very accepting of me. However, in defense of the therapist... I get a sense that he didn't necessarily mean you had outwardly 'chosen' to be gay, but that given your feelings and tendencies that you had 'chosen' to consider yourself gay. There's a slight difference - and I think we need to sometimes give those 'straight' people the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they (the therapist and your parents) would want you to wait before labelling yourself - which we tell people here in EC too - just in more diplomatic terms. In addition - he's right to suggest that you can't really assume what someone else is thinking or will think. That's not fair to the other person - just as it's not fair of them to assume you're not really sure that you're gay. The only way to really understand someone is to talk with them openly and honestly. And be prepared to hear what they say, and in turn to share with them how their reaction makes you feel. Not an easy thing to do, but I think that's what he was getting at.
I've been pretty sure of it since I was a child, and I let him know that from the very start. I've craved for years that every night I went to bed I'd somehow turn straight; it took me a really long time to finally pluck up the courage to talk to someone about it. Just the idea of saying 'I'm gay' out loud freaked me out. I'm not labelling myself in a rush. And what pissed me off was the fact that this 'you can't be sure' argument is usually laid on gay/bisexual people, I've never heard someone say so to a straight person -'cause it's better to leave things as they are, you know. I hate being gay and I told him so, and still he insists on saying that it's a choice. If that's not stubbornness, I don't know what it is. But my assumptions are founded at some level. I've been raised to be straight, marry and have kids. I hear them say 'fag' on a regular basis (jokingly, you know, the best way to express our prejudices in a more elegant way), I've heard my mom suggest that gays are somehow related to paedophiles and junkies, I've heard my dad speak against gay marriage. I think these examples speak for themselves. Right, they're neither religious nor extreme homophobes, they're just average people who want to have average kids, not queer ones. Anyway, I was really angry when I started this thread, I've calmed down a tad. I know my therapist doesn't have bad intentions, but he definitely knows very little about homosexuality and can't possibly put himself in my shoes. I'm not gonna keep going, I'd like to find one that has experience with LGTB people, although I'm not sure how to find one (there're not many LGTB groups here). I wouldn't go to therapy again right now, though, this has been too stressful for me. Thanks everyone for answering (*hug*)
Go see your therapist again, and ask him for a referral to somebody who has experience with LBGT issues. If he refuses, then leave. Lex
The Enigma got it spot on. Therapists are unlike any other medical or health-related professional in that the approach of every therapist will be individual to their style and their interactions and feelings about you. It's clear that this person's therapeutic style isn't a good match for you, and that the therapist isn't qualified with LGBT issues. But I've got to say that I was pretty horrified by the interaction you described. First, the therapist is more than anything else supposed to be your advocate, to offer different interpretations of things you experience, to encourage you to think about things in new ways and try on new interpretations and feelings to see if they suit you. You should feel safe disclosing the most inner, vulnerable, embarrassing, shameful stuff about you to your therapist without worrying about made wrong, contradicted, shamed. If the therapist argues with you about what you're experiencing, that's not healthy for your relationship with the therapist. Secondly, it is generally considered really bad form on the part of a therapist to be directly contradicting a client on something such as where you say "I'm afraiid of rejection" and the therapist responds with "but homosexuality is no longer an issue". He's directly making you wrong, and that (at least in that circumstance) is really bad. That isn't to say that the therapist should never challenge you; a good therapist will challenge perceptions that limit you, such as your self esteem and how you view yourself, or encourage you to look at different interpretations to interactions, and I can see that, in his own inept way, that's what he was attempting to do... but he blew it. If that transcript is close to verbatim, then the therapist is completely unqualified to be dealing with LGBT issues and I would honestly question his skills as a therapist in any case; almost every exchange in that transcript was confrontational, and did not encourage you to open up and explore what you were experiencing. Honestly, I'm not even sure I'd want a referral from that guy. Contacting PFlag or your local gay-lesbian center is a great place to start, but you can also do some research on your own... look in a local gay newsmonthly if there is one in your town, or just look in general, maybe online, for therapists, and read what they say about themselves. Don't be afraid to ask for a short (no cost) phone consult to ask questions about the therapist's approach, experience, background. The therapist doesn't need to be gay or lesbian, but should have some background working with that population. Also, the therapist's theoretical orientation is important; if you're seeking to understand the deeper issues about why you feel the way you do, then a therapist with a psychodynamic, humanistic, or Gestalt approach would probably be a good choice. A therapist whose style is primarily cognitive-behavioral would probably *not* be a good choice, because they tend to be very solution focused; they don't care why something is happening, they just give you strategies to change it, which works great if you have massive depression, anxiety, or another acute issue for which you need immediate help, but not so well if you're dealing with coming out issues and the baggage associated with that. As others have said, don't be afraid to do a short phone interview with a half dozen or more therapists, and maybe try a couple of sessions with a couple of therapists you think you might like. Finding the right one can be magical; the issues will come into focus and you'll gain insight and understanding pretty quickly. If you have a crappy one, you can spend years and not get much of anywhere. If you find yourself feeling strong emotions after your sessions or in between, then you've probably got someone that's really reaching you and helping. If nothing much is happening and you're just talking... then it probably isn't as productive a therapeutic relationship. Of course... your mileage may vary and the thoughts above won't apply to everyone in therapy but they have often proven useful to others in similar situations to yours.
You need a new therapist cause the one you have is broke. I'm lucky enough that there is a charity a couple of towns over that specialises in LGBT counselling. The therapist I am seeing has helped so so much just by letting me talk about something I have never talked about ie. the fact that I am gay. Things have improved so much that little over two months after the first session I felt in a position where I could admit to someone I work with that I am gay. Unthinkable until recently. Thearpy can have amazing results - keep up the therapy - but under a new therapist.
Not every therapist can help you with every issue you have! Don't blame them, just ask for a referral to someone with more experience with LGBT people and if he can't give you one then look yourself. Obviously if you are getting what you need out of this therapist then you need a new one, but i'm also not sure what you want your new one to say to you about coming out, maybe you should work on your issue of fearing rejection with your therapist so that you can feel safer to come out. Otherwise seeing a new one might just get you a "awe coming out is hard, but you gotta chin up and hope for the best" which anyone here could tell you.
I've just left a message in his answering machine saying that I'm suspending the therapy for indefinite time -yes, I phoned on Saturday so that I wouldn't have to talk to him. I'm not stigmatizing all therapists in the world. But I think this guy was quite ignorant, you don't need to be a Ph.D. in gay issues to know that sexuality is not a choice. I thoroughly agree with calchip, he was totally unprofessional as he tried to confront me and contradict the way I feel. This was beyond a matter of chemistry. I don't really know what I want to be told... surely not 'keep your chin up' or any kind of set phrases. I guess I just need someone who can help me overcome my fears and be comfortable with myself (I reckon that's what coming out is about after all). I'm so glad you agree with me on that. Hearing him say that 'homosexuality is no longer an issue' after several sessions of talking about my fear of coming out was like being told I'm just an idiot for worrying. Thanks as well for all the insight you gave on psychological schools, I really appreciate it. Anyway, I'm not planning on starting therapy again right now since this's been too stressful as I said before, but once I'm ready I'll try and look online for therapists with experience on LGTB issues.
I am currently doing research on LBGTQ issues in social work practice specifically as it relates to therapeutic work. Many schools of therapy and social work fail in a lot of ways to discuss LBGTQ issues directly. Many practitioners are ill prepared to provide an environment that is safe and validates LBGTQ people. If therapists do not acknowledge there own biases then they can unknowingly engage in 'countertransference', which essentially means they project there own stuff on to you. It would seem to me that coming out is a very important issue for you and it saddens me to know that he shut you down. Maybe directly confronting him and checking his response maybe helpful. Ideally therapists should welcome honest disclosure. Good luck.
