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I want to come out. I really want to come out.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Katherine, Jun 20, 2009.

  1. Katherine

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    I've gotten to a point where I want to tell people so badly that it hurts.

    I don't even know why I feel like this. It just doesn't stop eating away at me. I'll be talking to one of my friends and we won't even be on a subject that has anything to do with sexuality but for some reason my mind won't stop screaming "Tell them, tell them!" the whole time. Lately I've almost been feeling like I've become too "obsessed" with it, that it shouldn't matter so much. And it shouldn't, honestly. But I just feel like telling everyone for some reason, and this feeling is only getting stronger and stronger.

    The thing is, though, that I'm terrified--also for no reason. I still haven't told some friends even though I'm almost positive they won't care, but every time I think of telling them I start getting all shaky and nervous anyway.

    And even if I decided I was going to tell them, I don't even know how I would! I keep gravitating between "I should just bring it up in normal conversation or change my Facebook status because it shouldn't matter so much!" and "I need to sit down and flat-out tell my friends, one by one." I don't even know the better option. And for some reason I keep unwittingly trying to get people to figure it out on their own. I've been wearing more and more rainbow stuff, I cut my hair really short (even though I didn't do that FOR that particular reason), I even have a rainbow peace-sign pride keychain thingy hanging on my purse, I'm 16 and have never dated (or even showed interest in) any guys, I've been wearing more androgynous outfits lately...the list of hints goes on and on. But people still think I'm straight! And it's so frustrating!

    Ugh...I don't know what to do. I wonder if I should just send a mass text message to all of my friends who I want to be out to saying "Just to avoid any further confusion, I AM A LESBIAN." (Not that I'd actually do that, but I'm getting desperate.)
     
  2. silentsound

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    I understand what you're going through, I really do. I don't think you necessarily have to find one method and stick to it. You have all the control here. Maybe start by deciding who you want to tell the most- ie your closest friends. Try bringing up prop 8 or gay marriage in the news- its in the headlines all the time- just to feel out how supportive they are. If they seem ok with it, then the next time you get a chance you might want to try to tell them. In my opinion, there is no easy or comfortable way to go about coming out. Before I did it I was freaking out about the words to use, etc. How do you even start a conversation like that? The fact is you just have to blurt it out. Try to make sure you are alone with the person and tell them you have something important to tell them. You may want to add that you're telling them because you trust them and are tired of lying or something to that effect. Or you can do something a little more like I did, and just act quiet and a little sad so that you know they will ask you what's wrong and start the conversation for you (ok, I was legitimately feeling/ acting like that at the time, but I sort of knew where I wanted it to go) then just sort of... say it. If you have trouble with the words, try going somewhere quiet before you do it where you know you can be alone and say "I'm gay" or "Hey [name], I just wanted to tell you this because you're a really good friend and I think you should know that I'm gay" or however you think you want to go about it.

    In my opinion, the facebook coming out should be saved for a little later. Sometimes I think about impulsively changing mine, but I really think you should wait until you have told at least the people closest to you. Try to think of the people who would be really hurt if they found out through facebook because you have a close, trusting relationship and tell them before you go public with it. Remember, you don't have to be shouting it from the rooftops immediately, it's a process that it sounds like you are ready to really begin.

    Best of luck, pm me any time if you want to talk (*hug*)
     
    #2 silentsound, Jun 20, 2009
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2009
  3. Pasalacqua

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    I would tell your really close friends in person.
    You just have to suck it up and let it out.
    Once it's out there, it feels like a weight is just lifted off of you and you can breathe easy.

    As for friends that you aren't *too* close to, you can go ahead and change your orientation on myspace or facebook or whatever it may be for them.
    When I did that, only one person asked me about it, and they were just like "Really? I wouldn't have thought you were. Hm." and it was just let go.

    And same as silentsound, feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk.
     
  4. blairSW

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    Hi kaybee2: Coming out at any age is difficult, but it is especially difficult for people in their teenage years. It can be tremendously difficult to live inauthentically. As LBGTQ people we live a life of fragmentation and fear. It is a very difficult place to be stuck in the middle between our internal self and the self imposed upon us. Wanting to tell people, but struggling to muster up the courage. I would say just acknowledging yourself, celebrating your own diversity and wanting to share it with others takes a lot of strength. I agree with SilentSound, I would not recommend facebook disclosure. I am not sure how 'gay' friendly Atlanta is nor your community. Ask yourself some reflective questions to give yourself a sense of how to move forward. Who do I want to tell and why? What would it be like for me to disclose who I am? Am I prepared for a spectrum of responses and how will I deal with those? Am I safe? How will I keep myself safe? When, where, and how will I disclose? What can I do to prepare myself? What can I do to ensure my safety at that moment? What will it mean for me to live authentically? When I am nervous and shaky, what is going on for me at that moment (emotionally, mentally)? It is my experience that people are not terrified for no reason? Really think deeply about it. Will live in an incredibly discriminatory world. Good luck and pm me anytime. Cheers,
     
  5. acorn7

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    Hey kaybee, I totally understand what you're going through. I can relate to every little thing, as I was basically in that exact situation when I was 16 (now I sound like an old man...)

    It's totally normal to be obsessed with it, it's a huge part of your life and understandably a big source of stress. I thought about it all the time as well.

    How to tell them? Any way you do it is hard, but incredibly satisfying. Personally, I took each friend one-to-one (the closest ones usually first, but not always). I told them I had something to tell them in a way that I basically could not back up from telling them. Get them in a controlled environment (alone in a café, for example) and just tell them. You can say, "I've been thinking a lot, and I think I might like/be attracted to girls / be a lesbian, etc.".

    It's normal to have "false starts", when you tell yourself, "Yes, I AM going to tell him/her... Now!.. No, later.... OH NOW!! No...... Oh shit it's too late. Fuck." That's part of the process :wink: Just once you start taking the big step more and more often, it'll become easier and enjoyable too! Good luck.
     
  6. boy0boy

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    Worry about the closest people and then worry about the rest.

    As much as you want to just shout it from the rooftops you have to think about who is really important to you that needs to know who YOU are. AFTER THAT YOU ARE DONE.

    You don't owe anyone a "hey I'm gay" just LIVE IT.

    I still get people at working going, "you're gay???!!!" and I just say, "yeah". It loses appeal once you're comfortable and out to at least a few close people.