So i've finally got up enough courage to make a post here, and i'm hoping someone here can give me some good advice, cuz i really don't know what else to do. So what's my problem? Where do i even begin. I'm 21 and in the closet, but oh how i wish that was just all of my problems. I found out about 3 years ago that I had social anxiety disorder, which came as a huge shock to me, because i was always a very shy person, but i didn't know i had a condition, didn't even know there was such a thing until i read more about it. I tried to get help, I went to my school's counseling center, but they put me on a waiting list for over a year and i get a call one day from them telling me they are sorry they weren't able to start the group session i joined, but they wanted to try again next year. I had felt so rejected, my grades had been suffering for a while now, I honestly wasnt able to handle college anymore, so I dropped out of school. I wasn't giving up, I knew my anxiety had practically taken over my life, and if I wanted control over my life again, i had to seek proper help, because i'm sure I would've snapped and went insane or something. It's been over a year since I dropped out, and I don't regret it one bit. I was able to get the help I needed, and am way better than i was before. So if I say I'm doing much better, than what's the problem you ask? Coming out, that's the problem. There is a huge part of me that is so completely afraid of coming out that I think it's preventing me from getting completely better. And as a result, I still find myself having problems doing things that should be easy for me, like find a job, get my driver's license, or even go back to school. Living at home doesn't make things any easier too. My parents are very religious and traditional. If they found out I was gay, I'd have no place to go. I haven't even told them about my anxiety, cuz I'm afraid if i do, they might find out that i'm gay too. That may sound ridiculous, but it's how i feel. I honestly do not know what to do. If my family wasn't the way they are, coming out would be so much easier, and I know if i did come out, life would be so much easier. But in reality, I know if i did do that, things would be much worse than they are now because i'd have no idea where i would be living. I'm hoping someone he has some good advice for me, cuz I basically have no one to talk to about this stuff, and I coud really use some.
Welcome to the community here! I'm glad you made the first step in posting here. Everyone here is either in the closet or was at some point. So, you should never feel alone, because you aren't. I would suggest finding a local group in your area. Online communities are great and I hope you become a regular here. However, the best thing I've ever done for the gay part of me was to attend a local group. I've met people and have become good friends with some of the group members. Now, with your anxiety problem, I don't know how comfortable you are attending such a group. The group I attend is for youth (upto age 18), and we've had people attend and stand against a far wall for hours during meetings. Eventually, they warm up to the group and fit in nicely. So, what I'm saying is, we know just coming to a meeting is hard and a major step for some people. Though, you should consider it. Just sticking around here and meeting other glbt people in real life is the best advice I can give. If you're anxiety is keeping you from meeting others in real life, then talk with a professional about it. There are websites on the Internet where you can find glbt friendly people that can help, I'd start with contacting your local PFLAG chapter. Good luck and welcome!
Oh wow... where to begin... Well as far as I see it you have 3 things working to your advantage: 1) You're gay. 2) You're 21. 3) You live in NYC. Any self-respecting person would love to be in the scenario that you're in right now. But seriously, it sounds as if your anxiety is very severe. Really if it is at the point of affecting your life to this degree I don't think it is just "coming out" anxiety. I would suggest that you find a psychiatrist because you sound like you might need medication to help keep the anxiety under control, but only a doctor will be able to say so for sure (which I sure as hell am not). Second, did you drop out of school without telling anybody or did you explain to the administration what's going on in your life? A friend of mind who's in school with me and has bipolar disorder did very poorly the last two semesters of school after performing very well all through high school and the first semester of freshman year. She dropped out and was having all kinds of issues before we finally got her to see a psychiatrist who immediately diagnosed her problem and got her treatment. Armed with a letter from her doctor, the university readmitted her, allowed her to take a reduced course load even while maintaing "full time" status and worked out a plan for her to retake credits that she had failed with few penalties. Really, I would highly suggest that you do the same. As far as your family goes, do you have any kind of job right now? Because if there are 2 things that keep me from worrying and being anxious, it's my schoolwork and my job. :lol: The reason I ask is because you need to move out. It's not even an option anymore. Moving out is one of the best things that I've ever done and you can kill two birds with one stone and get a job (any type of job that will keep you occupied) and start saving up "move out" money. Your concerns about your family finding out aren't ridiculous. Nothing could be further from ridiculous or irrational. If they really are very religious, that could be a plus, especially if they are members of a religion that teaches them to love every person... yeah Christians, I'm speaking to you. But really, there is no need for you to tell your family right now. And believe me, mental health professional (psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, etc.) are very concious of their patients privacy and they are barred by law from exposing anything to anyone except under three conditions: they must notify the police if they suspect child abuse either now or in the past, must notify authorities if they suspect that you are actually going to harm yourself or others, or if they are forced to comply to a court order or subpoena. But unless any of those 3 VERY RARE circumstances comes up, they can not reveal anything to anybody and are very discreet. I see a counselor right now and any mail I receive from them (and you may not even get mail) only has a return address and phone number. There's no mention of any type of psychiatrist office or anything and only says "Please call to verify your schedule." or something to that effect so even if your parents open your mail they have no idea what it's about. Finally, do you have any friends you can speak with? It's good that you're sharing your thoughts with us on the board, and I'm sure we'll all try to help the best we can, but it would really be great if you had a trusted friend that you could come out to and talk with about both your life and sexuality. I dare say that does more to help work through you situation than this message board or doctor's office ever could. Anyway, welcome to the boards! Hope to keep seeing you around! ~CK
This is just minor, confusedkid nailed everything specific, but try making a list of the tasks you want to accomplish, or solve, or thoughts on your mind, and slowly but surely cross them off by completing them. The key is to start out slow and do them one at a time, that way you won't be too overwhelmed with every little anxiety, and can accomplish everything eventually. Time is also important, things won't miraculously change like the snap of your fingers (obviously), you first have to feel comfortable and ready, then go about changing your environment and accomplishing tasks. Tackle one thing at a time at your own pace and things will be better! And any/all of us are here to talk, on here, or instant messaging, anything, just add us - that's why we put emails and contact names on our profiles - so welcome and hope we can help!! :icon_smil
I can't claim to know your parents, or your situation, but I do know your city very very well. From my experience, most people in NYC, even the most conservative ones, are not the same brand of conservative you find in other parts of the country. While I understand that it could happen, if your parents did kick you out, I feel like there's a good chance they'd end up being ostracized by the community as a whole if they did in fact kick you out. Granted, that opinion is based on absolutely nothing besides where you're from. I don't know your parents, and I don't know their friends. As to the idea that your parents would find out about you being gay if they found out about the anxiety.... well, if they do find out about you being gay, because of the anxiety, you can sue the hell out of the psychologist, and guess what? you don't have the problem of supporting yourself! So, that being said, I really think you should come clean about the anxiety. At least you'll have some of the load of your chest. Lastly, I think you should try to think about when the anxiety attacks started getting really bad. From your post, it seemed like they started getting really bad once you were diagnosed with anxiety problems. While I do not doubt that you do in fact have whatever the doctors told you you have, but some of the symptoms may be due to a self-perpetuating cycle. If you didn't have terrible anxiety before you were diagnosed, try to feel strength in the fact that you could live with it before you found out. However, you should also see someone, and take whatever pills they want you to take, and let your parents in on the anxiety disorder, if for no other reason then they are probably really worried about you right now, because you've dropped out of school and stuff like that.
Thanks to everyone for your input, I really appreciate it. Up until this point, I really didn't have anyone to talk aobut his with. It feels good to share my thoughts and feelings here. I am taking medication my doctor prescribed for me, which helps more than i can say. To confusedkid and his advice about school, i didnt even know you could do something like that, that you could be readmitted just with the simple aid of a letter. Your friend sounds exactly like me, I did very well all throughout high school (despite being scared out of my mind every single day) and I was made the dean's list my freshman year of college. Don't ask me how I managed up until that point, I guess I was just tired of bottling in all my fears. I'm not sure if i'm ready to go back to school just yet, but i'll definitely look into that. Also, I do think living on my own would defintely help out tremedously, but i've got no job and no money so i'm basically stuck at home. I've been looking into local support groups and I did find one that struck my interest. Maybe i'll check it out. Thanks again to everyone for their advice.
Hmmn... wow... well, that's a lot to deal with. But it seems like you've kinda worked yourself into a psychic corner: you would feel better if you came out but you can't come out because of your family and where would you live? So you won't ever feel better. Hmmn... Well, the very simple approach to the problem is to find somewhere alternate to live so that if the worst does happen and your parents kick you out, you're covered. So... sympathetic relatives, good friends, heck any friends... I would be looking at building some kind of social support network in case things go south. Which they may not--sometimes we do get happy endings. In terms of some groups to check out, I would try PFLAG chapters... I'd expect you'd get a lot of support from them. And... is it possible you can come out to some people without risking your parents finding out? A LOT of people do that and it seems to work relatively well for them. I'm not sure how much of this is perhaps complicated by your SAD but if you're taking medication for it, hopefully it's not anywhere near as big a factor as it may have been when it was undiagnosed.
One of my best friends has SAD also... and for the past few years I've been trying to convince him to see a professional. Today he finally went to see one, and he said it was okay, and the doctor gave him Zoloft. From what I've heard, Zoloft and Paxil can be an amazing help with social anxiety. My other friend had social anxiety (different kind though, not nervousness around people persay, she's very friendly and sociable, but she'd get panic attacks that made her pass out in huge groups, like at the theater and whatnot, and it Paxil worked really well for her). Either way, I'll let you guys know if it works well for him, but unless you're a scientologist like Tom Cruise, I'd say go see someone and try the meds.
He's doesn't "believe" in them? Like in the same way as the tooth fairy or Santa Claus??? Hahaha. You're dad needs to stop acting like Tom Cruise and realize that it's not (complete) bull. -CK
Uh... don't you need a psychiatrist's prescription to get Paxil? And if so, why would your Dad let you see a psychiatrist and not a psychologist? And if you're seeing a psychiatrist, can't you get help/therapy from them?
I know how it goes with parents "not believing" in some profession (like psycology). My mom never liked the idea of chiropractors; she is, of course, a nurse. She reminds me of those kids at school who reply to a weird nois with "there's a pill for that". It ended up just being a matter of trust. My parents are single, so when my dad hooked up with a chiropractor, and my mom met her, she warmed up to the idea. Its more like they dont believe it like they wouldn't believe a religion, rather than that they dont believe something exists, but that was a funny comparison.
UPDATE I haven't been to the forums here in a while, so I thought it would be a good idea to let everyone know what was going on. First off, thanks for everyone's advice. Some of the things that were mentioned I knew I had to do, but I guess I just had to hear it from someone else. I think I saw some posts from some people that said they had social anxiety disorder, or knew people who had it. When you're suffering from something really bad (like I was), it just becomes too much to handle, and you constantly think that you're the only one who's going through whatever it is you're going through. that's why I think it's always helpful to hear from people who are going through the same or similar experiences, it helps reassure that you aren't alone, so I thank everyone for sharing their stories. With all that said, you're probably wondering what's going on in my life. Well, first off, I came clean to my parents about my SAD. I realized I wasn't helping myself by hiding this from them, so I told them, and so far, things have been OK. Nothing really has changed, except now they know about my disorder. I decided not to come out to my family just yet. Only until I become fully independent from them and can support myself financially will I be comfortable enough not to worry about any negative repercussions from them (which I know will be many). But don't worry that's OK. I've joined this group not too long ago for gay people who also suffer from mental illnesses. Finally, a place where I can talk about all things I've been hiding from everyone, with people that have gone through or going through similar experiences. It's been real helpful, I'm really starting to feel like I have my SAD under control now. I was feeling so much better that I went to my doctor and asked him if I wondered I could stop taking my medication (Zoloft). He laughed a bit, then reminded me that it was only over a year ago that I came to him, practically at the end of my rope, and asked him to be put on this medication. I guess I really have come a long way. Anyway, I just wanted to share this with everyone. The past few months have really been good, and it all started with the advice I got from here. Thanks
glad you're doing better! It's always nice to hear a followup. Talking is definately my favorite way of getting rid of stress. It's always hard when you feel like you have to bottle everything up within yourself.
Hey - that sounds like things are going really well for you. That group sounds perfect for you. Please keep us updated on your progress!
