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I'm the reason my moms not happy.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ArcaneVerse, Jun 21, 2009.

  1. ArcaneVerse

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    OK, I'm officially against having a close relationship with parents, you end up finding out too much information! and im not even talking about the awkward "they get freaky under the covers" type of knowing too much. Let me explain.

    I was having one of many standard Deep & Meaningful conversations with my mom the other day, it started with her asking me some questions "Are you bulimic?" (I'm extremely skinny & have eating issues because of my depression\anxiety) "Do you cut yourself?" to which I answered honestly with no to both and then moved on to some questions about my confusion with my sexuality, which i awkwardly avoided answering because i cant open up on that subject, but thats a whole separate problem.

    There was silence for awhile, then my mom brought up a fight she had with my dad the previous day and that led to how unhappy she is in her marriage and how she would have left already if it wasn't for the fact that i wouldn't cope with the change, which is true.

    I just don't know what im supposed to do with that bit of information.
    I don't know how my mom was expecting me to feel after just telling me that the reason shes staying unhappy is because of me.
    and now im feeling a lot of pressure to go on medication and get counseling, which makes it all the more harder to do, just so she can be happier.

    anyways thanks for listening.
     
  2. The Enigma

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    Wow. That's not very sensitive at all. Fuck her though. If she's gonna be that way, just ignore her for now. There's no need for bonding time at all. You might want to tell her that you're not 'confused' about your sexuality as well.

    (or are you unsure?)
     
  3. silentsound

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    This probably wasn't the wisest thing for your mother to tell you. Still, you have to remember that she is an adult and she can make her own choices. It is not your fault she is staying in an unhappy marriage, it is her own. Sure, she might be thinking "I have to stay with him for my son" but it sounds to me like that is at least partially an excuse. As long as she is telling herself that she is staying with him for you she doesn't have to confront the fact that she is probably a little scared to leave him, seeing as (judging by your age) she has been with him for a long time.
    What are you supposed to do? If it is really bugging you you could try talking to her about it. Just tell her that it upset you and even confront her for using it at least partially as an excuse. You say you feel pressure to seek counseling now. Despite what is going on with your mom, this may still be a good choice for you. Talking to someone, whether it's about sexuality or depression or just your day at school/ work, can be very helpful. Maybe just try it out? You might find it really helps you in the longrun.
     
  4. Bryan90

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    Hey ArcaneVerse, hope things are improving.

    I can't speak for your mom, so I'd just speak from my experience:

    I realized that the best way to make my parents happy is to be happy myself. My mom wanted me to go to therapy at one point. But when she realizes that it might damage my happiness, she didn't think it was such a good idea.

    So I realized that for the relationship I have with my parents, doing something for them that would make them happy but me unhappy isn't the wisest thing to do. So first I had to learn how to be happy myself.

    But all in all, I hope you'd figure out a solution you deem best. And I believe this forum would provide you support if you need it. :slight_smile:
     
  5. beckyg

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    This isn't very sensitive either. Its just disrespectful.
     
  6. Chip

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    Parents who are frustrated in their marriage often inadvertently make their children their confidants about what's happening. She didn't intend for it to be hurtful to you, I think she was probably just trying to be honest, and probably looking for a sympathetic ear.

    As Silentsound said, her decision to stay in the marriage is*her* decision, and while she says she's doing it for your benefit, it is her responsibility, not yours.

    It sounds like you actually have a good relationship with her, and she is genuinely caring and concerned.

    As for the issues of feeling pressure to go on meds and get counseling, those are two completely separate issues. I don't know your history or background, but you always have the option of seeing a therapist or counselor first, doing a few sessions, and discussing the idea of meds with the counselor. In the US, at least, many counselors and therapists believe they can work effectively with people with mild-to-moderate issues without the need for meds.

    The other thing that's important, though hard, to understand is... you are not responsible for your mom's happiness. While I'm sure she genuinely has your best interests at heart and wants you to be happy, if you do not feel comfortable going on meds, or going to counseling, it's your choice not to do so (unless you are seriously at risk of suicide, in which case, professionals can step in and help you.)

    I do think that having a good counselor can be a great thing, and there's really no downside. You don't have to disclose anything you don't feel comfortable disclosing, it doesn't in any way make you less of a good person, and is simply an opportunity to learn more about yourself.
     
  7. beckyg

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    You are not responsible for your mom's happiness. She is! So let go of the responsibility that she put on you. That was unfair. It does not mean you cannot have a close relationship with your mother. I think you should tell your mom that she needs to do what makes her happy and that you will be okay.
     
  8. xequar

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    Sounds like Mom's gone on a guilt trip. It's not your fault she's in an unhappy marriage.
     
  9. echapper

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    You are not the reason your mom is not happy. You are responsible only for your own happiness.

    You are a grown man. You can make your own decisions. And you decide what is best for you. So if you feel that you could benefit from counseling, go for it. You don't have to talk about your sexuality, if you don't want to. You can talk about your relationship with your mother instead. The same with meds. It's up to you and your doctor to decide. If you feel like being in a dangerous place or if your depression is affecting your life severely, it might be a good idea to get a prescription.

    If you have a really close relationship with your mom, you can try telling her how her comment made you feel.
     
  10. seadog

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    And mom is responsible for her own happiness. God created you, me, her, and all the rest of us. We are obliged to live in joy, even though we can't always be in a happy state (periods of intoxication and other drug induced highs notwithstanding). God made me as I am. And you as you are. And God loves his creations. Find your joy, and live in it. Help mom discover her joy, but don't take responsibility for it. That's up to her, just like yours is you. And by all means, live joyfully as you discover who you are. That, after all, is a life-long process. Joy is my wish to you, and a bit of happiness too!
     
  11. malachite

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    You shouldn’t feel bad, you should be outraged. How dare your Mother lay this at your feet! You are the child she is the adult. It is her job to look out for you, not make you an excuse for not making changes in her life.

    Look, change is sometimes bad. Your parents won’t be the first to get divorced and they certainly won’t be the last.

    Don’t let your mother manipulate you like that. If she is unhappy she need to take responsibility for how she got into that situation.

    Listen, I am speaking from personal experience. My parents always fought and said they stayed together for the sake me and my sister, but growing up in a household with parents that are always at each other’s throats is not only unhealthy, it is destructive.

    Read this next line very carefully:

    This is NOT your fault. Your parents issues are their issues.
    This was not a deep and meaningful conversation, this was a cruel and manipulative conversation
     
  12. ArcaneVerse

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    Yeah it was very insensitive of her, but she's still my mom and yeah i am unsure and shes actually been trying to help me with that but i just cant open up to her about that.


    I didn't even consider that, I think your right, she is scared. Thank you, i feel a little less responsible now. (*hug*)

    I do need to get counseling and to go on medication, I have known that for awhile but I'm just not ready yet. I just feel a lot more pressure to do those things now that my problems are effecting someone else.

    I honestly believe she didn't intend to upset me and we do have a close relationship, which makes it harder i guess. It just sucks that there is this option that could make things better not only for me but for her, if only i was ready to take that step.

    Well i have an Anxiety Disorder with Depression and Agoraphobia as secondary conditions, which makes medication sort of the best option, I'm just too scared to go on them. I don't have any major issues with going to a therapist, its just i would have to be on medication to be able to go.


    Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond, its much appreciated:icon_bigg(*hug*). I'll try to not blame myself.
     
  13. seadog

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    You're in my prayers, friend. The goods news is also the bad news. Nothing lasts forever.
     
  14. Chip

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    I know nothing about the healthcare system in Australia, but is it a *requirement* that for your diagnosis, you have to be on meds in order to get scheduled to see a therapist? In the US, there are plenty of therapists who work with clients that want to avoid being medicated, and in many cases, it is possible to successfully treat many conditions without medication. Depending on how severe the anxiety and depression are, there are cognitive-behavioral methods that can be helpful for treating those that don't require medication. Agoraphobia is a little more complex, but again, it depends on how debilitating it is. Up until maybe 10 or 15 years ago, there were no good medications for it, so many people were treated with therapy and some had good results.

    There are also other alternatives that you might consider, ranging from amino acids to herbals to homeopathics, and there are licensed practitioners in many parts of Australia familiar with treatment protocols using non-drug techniques.

    The bottom line is, getting some sort of professional help seems like a wise idea, and if medication isn't an option for you right now, I'd still dig a bit and see what sort of non-medication options there might be. You still may end up later choosing to go on meds, but you might find that you can have good results with the right therapist, or the right therapist combined with less invasive approaches.