Hi everyone. I'm new here and I've got a lot of questions... so, first question, how should I come out to my parents? I mean, when? where? how?! I'm 16 and I'm not ready at all to tell them. I just admitted to myself last month that I'm gay and I'm not sure if I know how to handle it. Do my parents really need to know how I feel right now? I think that's none of their business... is it?? And I don't know how my parents would react. I just keep remembering all the times they laughed at my uncle (my mother's cousin but we all call him "uncle") because he's gay, I can only imagine they'll do the same with me... My father is very homophobic (he's the kind of man who uses the word "fag" to designate gay people) and I think that my mother is too. My father isn't the best role model in my idea; my parents don't even sleep together, my mother loves my father but I don't think he does... anyway. The only topics that interest my father are the war, jeeps and mechanics (things that I deeply hate to talk about with him); the only conversation I have with him (most of the time) is when I or he come(s) back from work, "How was your day?", and "Good night". It shows you how the situation is with my father... so I can't imagine myself telling him that I'm gay, and the way I'll tell him. And we always get mad at each other about stupid things because we DO NOT have the same mentality at all. And I've never been comfortable to talk with my father since they got separated in 1997, and even after they came back together, in 2002. I honestly think they should never have got back together... every kid dreams that his parents would come back together one day, but when it happens, he sees that his life was much happier when they were still separated... Also, I've always been shy to talk with him, to ask him things, and I don't know why... The father-son relationship I have with him is the same father-son relationship in the movie C.R.A.Z.Y. (if you saw that movie). I have one sister and my sister is his favorite child... I'm sure, he's always talking to her, he's always teasing her, doing things with her, etc. But even though I think I love him... even if I often feel that it's a "one-way" love... He had cancer last year and I was really scared to lose him. But now he's okay. His cancer shouldn't come back.. I hope. And my mother, she always laughs at my uncle because he's gay (I'm sure it's because he's gay). Sometimes when we watch TV, she says : "That man is gay, I can tell, because... bla bla bla. Look, look at the way he...", and one time I said "So?", and she responded "So.. nothing, I've got nothing against him". Do you think she's homophobic or...? Of course most of the time I say nothing when my parents say something like that because I afraid to defend gay people because I might blow my cover at the same time... The other day, we were talking about family and she said to my grand-father (her father) : " "X" and "Y" have 3 children : 2 boys and 1 girl; and his 2 sons are gay. They're lucky huh?!" So I guess that confirms she's homophobic... (but I have a better relationship with my mother than with my father, we often talk together, we laugh together, we do things together, etc... things that I've never done with my father. I'm much closer to her than to my father) In the other hand, 3 of our neighbors are homosexuals, 1 gay, 1 gay couple and 1 lesbian couple : my parents are almost friends with the lesbian couple. My father seems very comfortable to talk with them and my mother too... but will they be as comfortable as they are with the lesbian couple with a gay couple??? The only homophobic things they said that to me, it appeared to be homophobic, were destinate to gays, not to lesbians. But could they not be homophobic concretely, but when we are alone, they become so?? So are they homophobic?? I'm also so afraid that my mother asks me if I'm gay, and I don't want to say yes but I don't want to lie either.... Sorry that was long. So how should I come out to them? What do you think I should do... what do you think about this situation? I'd need some feedback please... (this is actually the longest text I've ever written, even in French... loll)
Hi Emil, Let's break this down! Absolutely not! Your parents do not need to know. You're still figuring everything out for yourself. You have no obligation to tell them. In fact, I would recommend that you NOT tell them until you feel ready. Don't do anything until you're ready. When you're ready to come out, then we can talk about the rest of the stuff. Until then, just keep working things out for yourself. Coming here was a good first step, though! Many times people change when they discover their loved ones are gay. They may change if you tell them. Or they may not. Regardless, I don't think now that any of you are ready to talk about it. When you're ready, then you can think about this. Until then, keep working things out yourself. Maybe talk to a friend in real life, or something like that. Let's keep reading, though. This definitely doesn't sound conducive to a positive conversation. Your father doesn't seem like someone who will easily or readily accept your homosexuality. Then again, I could be wrong. But from what you've been saying, he's probably not. I'm sorry to hear about your home situation. My father is sort of similar. All he cares about is sports, which don't interest me at all. Our conversations consist mostly of "Hey Ryan, what's up?" and nothing else. Unless he's yelling at me. Then again, from personal experience, he reluctantly accepted me. Actually, I don't know if he did or not. I never heard about it since the day I came out. Typing this is just making me realize this, haha. I really don't know. But this isn't about me. I think your mom is probably an accepting person. I wouldn't be scared of telling her when you're ready, although she may tell your dad. Just be careful that, if you don't want him to know, you tell her that. Many straight people comment like that, but it doesn't make them less accepting. Even I can point out a stereotypical gay guy on TV and tell how I know. Well, I don't make a habit of it, but I'd assume I could, anyway. I don't get how that makes her homophobic. But it's good to hear you have a strong relationship with your mother. Again, similar here. You shouldn't fear coming out to her when you're ready. Just make sure you're ready. They definitely are sending conflicting messages. I'd hazard a guess to say that they may not be homophobic, but are instead just simply typical straight people. They may make jokes, but I don't necessarily think they're homophobic. Especially you're mom. It's hard to say about your father. That's a tough one. Does your mother have any reason to ask that? If she does... well, I'm not sure what to say. If you are not ready to come out, then don't. Lie. Do whatever. I'm sure she will understand in the long run. I think you're in a bit of a situation, but not one so different from most of us. We've all been there. I don't think you should come out until you know you're ready. Make sure you're comfortable about your sexuality, and make sure you are ready to tell someone. If you aren't, it may hurt you. Even if you are, it may hurt you. But it may also be a lifting experience, allowing you to be more open with your family. Follow you heart. It knows what's best. Ultimately, you know what's right for you. Don't push things too fast and let things come as they may. It was very well written for someone whose first language is not English! Take care, Ryan
welcome to EC! I think that since you are just learning to accept the fact that you are gay, that you might want to wait and let everything sink in. I am a full believer that you will know when and how to tell your parents when you are ready and that no one can tell you how to tell them or when. When you are ready you'll know. good luck.
Well, my mother is the kind of woman that when she hears about controversial topics (like homosexuality), she'll talk about it. She already asked me a few years ago if I'd tell her if I was gay, I said "no". And she said "No?!". They were talking about that on TV. And I don't think I'm effeminated. Thanks a lot for your replies guys, it really helped me !
OK lol lots of writing i will try to get to it all (BY THE WAY I didn't read what ryan wrote so if i repeat some of the things he said i'm sorry!) For sure its none of their buisness, you will probably want to tell them eventually because they are your parents and they probably should know, but if you are still figuring things out than, it will probably be best to wait until you have it all sorted and stuff. Because after you tell someone its hard to go back if you change your mind. So do it when you are ready. I think people like that make fun of gay people because they think that they are being funny, or that everyone else hates gay people when thats completely not true. Also for using the word fag, most people use it because it is a society norm, and not because they really think being gay is that bad, because most of my friends (who know i am bi and they are completely fine with it) use the words "fag" "homo" and "That's GAY" to mean bad or stupid when they really have nothing against gay people. They just do it because we are raised hearing those words as insults. I think its a great thing that your parents can get along with a lesbian couple. It shows that they probably aren't homophobic in real life, maybe bring up the gay couple or your other gay neighbor in a conversation, and see what they say about him/them. Because most people when they are around a gay person in real life, MAY be more accepting then when they see some flamboyant gay hairstylist on TV. So maybe try to get their opinion on your male gay neighbors. Thats your choice there, if you think someone doesn't need to know your sexuality yet, then it will probably be fine telling a little white lie, until they are ready to know. But if you have a lot of trouble lying, then you are stuck. I'm sorry but i cant offer any advice here, because i haven't come out to parents, BUT i think they might appreciate it more if you come out to them in person, because they may feel you are being more honest to them, but i know it is WAY harder in person to do that. But either way GOOD LUCK!(*hug*)
Thanks for your reply SadConfusedBandGeek . You guys really helped me clarify some things in my head . But I have another question, it's not really serious stuff but I'm already stressing about it : prom (it's in 1 year). Should I go? I mean, what does a gay would do there? I don't have close friends at school but I know this girl, who is really cool with me, and I'm afraid that she might ask me to go with her at the prom... and I don't want to hurt her by saying "no", because I'm not really interrested. I thinking of not going but... I'm not sure if it's the right decision...?
I completely agree with the advice given above, so I'm not going to say any more on that. As for the prom, since nobody in your school knows you're gay and you probably want to keep it that way for now, I think if your friend asks you to go with her you should accept. It's only an invitation to the prom, not a marriage proposal! It depends if she is likely to read more into your acceptance though and think you are dating or whatever... then it could get more awkward. Do you think it would be worth chatting to this girl about how you feel etc? Would she understand and still be a good friend? Would she keep it secret?
As a teenager, I was fine that my family didn't know. i was more effeminate then and probably a fool to think no one worked it out. I think my parents had a bit of middle class blindness and only saw what they wanted to. But I loved having a secret at that time. I had boyfriends from an early age and so I wasn't lonely with a secret at all. My sister found out when I was 15 because I flirted with a guy in a pub and then took off. he followed me to her house where i was staying and knocked on the door at 3 am. he was in his 30s, so i got a lot of questions about why he knock at door at that time! My sister was a bit homophobic only cause it was new to her. now she has twin daughters who are both gay and she has a long term relationship with a chick. funny heh! I would suggest explore your own sexuality and relationships a bit - relax a little. if you do tell them and they freak out remember it isn't the end. relationships can be repaired. you just gotta keep communicating.
