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Never been in love

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dude99, Jun 25, 2009.

  1. dude99

    dude99 Guest

    Hi I have never been in love or been in a relationship. I am in my 30s and I just dont know why I have not yet. Yes I have had crushes on people but thats about all. I so used to be being single and for much of my life I know I have been missing an important aspect in life. I have lied to my friends stating I have been in a relationship which I have never, and only say that becuase I find it embarasing. I find it amazing to see others get into a relationship. Even with dating I have never dated anyone long term. Anyway I am sick of dating as well as the single interent sites. Anyway its making me feel down. Why is it there are people out there can easily get into a relationship and others find it just about impossible to get into one?:bang:
     
  2. -Michael-

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    Because other people will think positively
    even though they're in the same situation as you...

    :/


    I'm single.
    single for a while now.
    Obviously you have 15 or so more years than me...

    But I don't let it get me down.
    And I'm a teenager...
    the weather should make me suicidal...

    Just keep looking.
    Get out to the bars....

    Not coming out obviously isn't helping your cause...

    There's your first step...
     
  3. Colly

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    I have to agree with Michael on that one.
    You have to let people know which market you're suited for. If they don't know - then how can anybody know what you're looking for.
     
  4. godfather

    godfather Guest

    I agree once you come out people will know you're avaliable!

    i know you are older than myself but i always belive that love will come when you least expect it.....so stop looking for it and enjoy things!
     
  5. InaRut

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    Agreed with the above post.

    See the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You." and it'll show exactly what a Love-Seeker turns you into. The proboblem is you got to stop yourself from becoming desperate. :slight_smile: So just live your life (eh-eh-eh-eh) and when you see a good thing pass you by try not to run from it.

    Also, don't give up dating...You gotta have a couple of toads before you find your prince.
     
  6. sdc91

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    I don't recommend bars to find boyfriends. Try some hobby-related group/organization instead, or volunteer for a gay organization.

    Yeah, coming out is recommended. You don't have to come out to everyone yet, but a close friend or two will be a huge relief. If they reject you, don't waste your time on them and go find real friends.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    I have to agree that coming out in some way will be necessary. If there's a fear there, it's keeping you from really being available to people. You're not completely 'present' for them if you're afraid of who might see you or who might find out.

    I hadn't been in love or in a relationship either until I was in my mid 20s, and then it was with a woman. I thought I was in love, so we got married and had kids. But all the while I was never 'really' happy. I struggled with depression, and later with addiction. So I'm living proof that forcing yourself as a square peg into that round hole isn't a good idea.

    But NOW I know what love really is like, and it's pretty awesome. But I had to do a lot of self discovery first before I was ready for this relationship. And I'm glad I did that work first before getting involved with someone, because our relationship has really benefited from the honesty and openness that I was able to bring to it.

    So I really do recommend working on yourself first. If you're gay, live as a gay man. Accept that you're a gay man. Go to social events or join clubs geared for gay people. Not to find a boyfriend, but to find yourself. And when you're totally comfortable being yourself, and having a good time doing it, THEN you'll meet that Mr. Right without any effort at all. It will just happen.

    Good luck. It's all easier said than done.
     
  8. Dare2bProud

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    I feel the same exact way. Currently, I've watched two people fall in love right in front of my eyes and its been devastating to me. i want something like that to be that magical.
     
  9. malachite

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    You're not alone. I"m almost 30 and I've never been in love.
     
  10. -Michael-

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    I was a depressed teen before i came out

    Sure than i wouldn't never see a boyfriend.

    I came out...
    first week of college

    I had a boyfriend :')


    It aaallll helps
     
  11. Chip

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    You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, at least if you want a healthy relationship.

    To a large extent, being closeted is *not* loving yourself. You're unconsciously saying "I'm not good enough, or worthy enough, to believe that people will love me for who I am, so I have to pretend to be somebody else." Now... keep in mind the advice I'm giving to you, as a thirtysomething, is different than the advice I would give to somebody 15 and living at home; they may risk all sorts of things, including loss of a place to live, by coming out.

    You will undoubtedly risk losses as well, possibly losing a friend or two, or if you have an extremely conservative work environment, difficulties in the workplace. But the cost of staying closeted is internalizing a sense of shame about who you are, and that is not healthy, nor is it conducive to finding a partner who is healthy. I'm not suggesting that you bust out of the closet tomorrow; if it's taken this long to get to where you are, it's something you'll want to spend some time on and prepare for.

    And separately from coming out, explore yourself and try to think about how you come across to others. Just from the things you've said, it's clear that you feel uncomfortable about more than one aspect of yourself (never having been in a relationship, for example) and that discomfort is, one way or another, affecting how you present yourself to others.

    I know a number of people, including myself, who didn't come out until later in life (20s, 30s, even 40s). I think that we who have been through that come to the process with a different set of experiences, because we miss out on the normal teen-aged dating and relationship development that many of our peers experienced, but once we learn to be in integrity with ourselves, we can, without great difficulty, compensate for what we didn't experience earlier in life.

    All of the "pieces" fit together... self esteem, coming out, openness to others, and, in turn, the people you attract. I think you'll find that as you put some effort into understanding yourself and your perceptions of yourself, and start working to change them, you'll find that the number of people, the kind of people, and how you feel about them will all change pretty significantly.

    I would also echo the other posters that indicated you will not likely find quality people in clubs or bars; the kinds of people who seek genuine, quality relationships generally want to meet people and get to know them first, and bars are not conducive to that. Consider alternative activities; look for a book club or hiking group or potluck group or other social gathering; most any larger city has them, and you can usually find information about these events in a local gay paper or bookstore or something like that.

    Above all, know you aren't alone at all. There are lots of people who have, and are, experiencing what you are, and it's just a process of taking the steps, one at a time, to learn to love yourself more.
     
  12. seadog

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    [Great thread. Thanks for starting it. Reading the comments really helps me, too.]
     
  13. dude99

    dude99 Guest

    thank you so much about the comments guys. I want to come out and it be the first and most difficult step for me. I agree with the bar thing is no good for finding a partner. A vast majority of people I know have had relationships by the time they reached the teenage years. Boy I have been missing out on a lot. Anyway to make it more difficut for me to meet people I am the shy type and introvert.
     
  14. EM68

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    I am 40 and just started to feel what it is like to fall in love. I am falling in love with my current bf. I never had a long term relationship. When I was in my 20's and 30's I dated women and never got anywhere. It is such a good feeling. I can not stop thinking of him and my best part of my day is at 9:30 at night when we talk each night. It's the best feeling in the world.
     
  15. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    Dude99 - I'm in much the same boat as you - 35, only started accepting myself a year or so ago - and not yet found anyone (yes, there was a limited straight relationship in my 20's - but whether it was love, I can't say)

    I still struggle with myself at times, and I'd be the first to say I'm not comfortable with myself yet - but I still crave having someone to curl up with in the evening... despite knowing I'm really not ready for that yet...

    Take care, and remember, we're all here for you if you want to talk!
     
  16. dude99

    dude99 Guest

    well I dont think I am really ready for a relationship. Yes it will be nice but I got issues I need to deal with. A movie that has helped me in the concept of relationships is "28 days"
     
  17. 35stillstrgln

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    This thread has been helpful to me as well. Newbie to EC. 35, still struggling with sexual identity. Only talk to a few friends about it, but in a limited way. Definitely living with a heap of shame. Trying to figure things out. Would like to date, but recently I've sworn off dating completely. Not sure where to go from here, but as I was reading this thread, I was getting misty eyed. Just glad to know I'm not the only one in his mid-thirties struggling whether he's gay/bi, and how to be out. Part of me doesn't talk to others about it because I feel like they probably get feed up with the "does he like girls or guys or what?" Anyway, this is a little longer than I expected. Any input is welcome.
     
  18. Jim1454

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    Hi there '35stillstrgln'! Welcome to EC from Jim in Toronto!

    Yes - this site is often the first place where we're able to really express how we're feeling about our orientation to anyone. It is certainly the first place I found where I really felt like I belonged as gay man. It was a great feeling.

    You are not the only one. There are many people who struggle with this later in life.

    The good news is - as it says in my signature - it's never too late to be who you might have been.