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Someone just came out to me and I don't know how to react

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by thoughtless, Jun 25, 2009.

  1. thoughtless

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    I don't want to give away too many details cause you never know if he didn't get that advice from a place like this too.

    All in all... we work together and it's not in my best interest at all that anyone but him would know I'm gay too. He knows I'm gay but I still haven't said it.

    I think my reaction so far (keeping quiet) is really bad. I know I wouldn't feel good if I found the courage to do that and got this reaction.

    It'd be nice if someone could PM they're willing to give advice about that, cause I'm not so sure about disclosing the little details here.
     
    #1 thoughtless, Jun 25, 2009
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2009
  2. Kenko

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    As you are a "Regular Member" the only people you can Private message are "advisers" and "mods / admins" Here's a link to a list of them. Pick one that you're comfortable with and don't be afraid to message them:
    http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13273

    In messages on the forum, Mods, admins, and advisers will have their title in bold blue under their name (where yours says Newbie / Regular Member)

    As far as your particular dilemma, did you at least respond positively when he came out? All I can say is "It'd be great if you came out to him", but obviously things aren't that simple. I'd at least recommend trying to befriend him more if you aren't already friends. Ask if he's interested in having coffee / beer / watch a movie some time. Perhaps as you get more comfortable with him you may be able to "spill the beans"
     
  3. thoughtless

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    Thanks for letting me know about the PM thing.

    My reaction wasn't that nice because I was caught off guard and I think he knows about me too. So I was a little defensive, I guess. He seems fine but I don't know him well enough.
     
  4. BitterEdge

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    When someone comes out to you, or vice versa, it usually opens the door for you/ that person to come out to. Most gays/ bi's will respect this and keep it in confidence as they are likely going through the same process.

    As was such when I came out to a friend from high school as gay and he told me he was bi. Told him to keep it in confidence at the moment and he has.
     
  5. epiphanies

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    If you are worried how he has taken your response, tell him that. Say something like "I'm sorry I was quiet when you told me. I know it was difficult to tell me, but the reason I was quiet is that I am gay too." If he trusts you enough to tell you, you shouldn't be too worried about telling him.
     
  6. Rygirl

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    (*hug*)

    I'm the same, I deal with news by staying silent and thinking about it. When my two friends came out to me, they were actually confused as to whether or not I had twigged it or not. You just need to comunicate with him a bit more.
     
  7. seadog

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    "Hey, about what you told us the other day, well, I really admire your courage and confidence. I wish I was a comfortable with myself to follow in your footsteps and do the same thing. Hopefully I'll get there, soon. Have you heard about EC?."
     
  8. jp xch

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    I agree. If he trusts you enough to tell you he's gay, I dont see why you shouldnt come out to him.
     
  9. Filip

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    Don't worry too much about how you reacted. Perhaps it was less than optimal, but keeping quiet isn't an entirely uncommon reaction. If he already knows (or strongly suspects) you're gay yourself, there are good odds, he does understand how you felt.

    Did you expect he was gay at all? Or did this come as a total surprise?

    Anyway, now that you know you might consider coming out to him yourself. If there's one thing you can be sure about, it's that he will understand and keep the secret.It will be hard, but trust me, it's a lot easier than to keep ignoring it (and I say this after doing the ignoring thing with one of my friends for years, and now wishing I had come out earlier).
     
  10. Kenko

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    Without knowing exactly what you mean by "a little defensive" (eg: if he he questioned about your sexuality), all is not lost. If you really just "kept quiet" as in didn't really say much, that's fine too.

    Personally I think going up to him and saying "Sorry I responded poorly, I'm gay too" might be quite bold, and you may not have the guts to say it. That's why I think easing into it might be a bit better:
    "Sorry I responded poorly the other day, I was just surprised / caught off guard. Perhaps we should talk about it over coffee some time?" However if he asks you if you're gay, don't deny it. You can be evasive if you wish "I'd rather not talk about that now", but don't lie.

    Generally people are on guard at work. Something informal like coffee would perhaps allow you to slip it in.
     
  11. malachite

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    Just let him know that it's ok to be gay. And you can be there for him, but in a totally Platonic way.
     
  12. thoughtless

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    Thanks for the replies, I talked to him. He knows I'm gay too. Actually I wasn't clear enough in this post, but when he came out to me, he already had a pretty big reason to think I was gay.

    I think the only way for this not to get too awkward is if he doesn't get intimate. Unfortunately that's not the case...