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Homophobic Friends/Family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by George1, Jul 16, 2007.

  1. George1

    George1 Guest

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    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So I have a bit of a crush on one of my friends... The only problem is that he is a self-confessed homophobic (and you can immediately notice it when he speaks about gays).

    I'm really wanting to tell him about my sexuality/feelings, but I'm worried that I might loose him as a friend. For some reason I just can't see myself with other guys. He's like the other half of me!
    His personality is nearly exactly like mine, he is interested in most of the same things as me... *blush* And he has a really nice ass too. :lol:

    I know that if I come out to him, he won't like beat the crap out of me or anything (considering that he can't do much damage to me), but I'm worried he might just block me out, like what I have seen he has done to a bisexual friend of mine.
    Basically, this friend of mine came out to a few people, and this guy I so very love slowly just stopped hanging around him, as the bisexual guy was "unnatural" and "disturbed" him.

    I'm just hoping that because we are such good friends (we always hang out with each other), he'll still stick by my side from friendship alone. Sure it'd be awkward for a while, but things would eventually return just the way they were.


    And now comes the family issue...
    Years ago my mum said to my brother that she doesn't have a problem with gays and all that, but she "feels sorry" for them... But my main problem is my dad. He always likes to insult gays, and has even gone as far as to basically say that they deserve HIV.
    He reckons they are "unnatural" and all that bulll$#it... *sigh*
    And he hangs out with guys who are the same, in the sense that they reckon gays and bisexuals are just the rat $#it of society.


    I know definantly with my family that they are not to know that I am gay until I have moved out and I'm supporting myself, but I really feel sick about not telling my friend about my feelings... Before it's too late I guess. I think that he may drop out of school next year.

    So any suggestions from the community as to what I could do? =/
     
  2. Micah

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    Sounds like a tough situation, and I'm really sorry that it's turned out to be like this for you.

    To deal with your homophobic friend there are really a number of ways to go about it - however, remember that while we can guide you and suggest things, it's ultimately going to be you who has to decide what to do, as only you know him.

    With your friend I would personally wait before telling him, rather than "taking the plunge". If you strongly believe that coming out to him at the moment will cause a rift in your relationship then I wouldn't recommend him as the first person you told in real life.

    The reason for this is that if things took a turn for the worse (Ie - he decided to hate you - or worse, decided to tell other people) then you really have no one else who's looking out for you. Possible try confiding in someone else first, who you are pretty sure will take it well. This way, when you do decide to tell your homophobic friend, you have someone else who can help you through the process, and "mediate" if things go bad. Not only that, but you also have someone who you can discuss the situation with 'in depth' who actually knows your friend.

    Remember though - at the end of the day, if he's not going to talk to you for something you have no control over - then was he really that good of a friend to begin with?


    The same sort of thing applies with your parents. Telling your dad straight out (pardon the pun) might not be the best idea (especially when you're financially dependent on your family). Perhaps tell your mum and any siblings/cousins you feel comfortable with, but who also know your father first. This way, you can talk to them about what they think. Who knows? Maybe he and your mum have have discussed your sexuality before, and he's actually quite accepting; having your mum as "inside information" can really help.

    Having your mum on your side also prevents situations where your dad might be tempted to throw you out of home (given that coming out to him went that bad) - so it essentially provides you with a safety net, should you choose to tell him.

    There's always the safe option of not telling them until you move out. It really all depends on how uncertain you are about telling them. If you honestly think coming out to them will turn out quite terrible then don't do it. You're safety and security comes first.

    However, if you do feel you are ready to tell them - then congratulations to you! We'll be here the whole way for any support you need :slight_smile:
     
  3. SadConfusedBandGeek

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    I'm really not sure about your friend, I know everyone says "If they cant accept who you are, they aren't your real friend"
    BUT it is still very hard to lose someone you really like.

    As for your family, since your father raised you, it may change his views on homosexuality a bit because he knows you, he knows your not an unatural freak and i dont think he thikns u deserve HIV. And your mother seems like a good person to come out to so i wuoldn't worry about her!

    Good Luck!

    - Josh
     
  4. jroakwood

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    first about your family.

    you could really change their views on homosexuality since they have a son who is gay.
    i mean, you are their child.
    and im assuming, as parents say, they love you unconditionally.
    although it may take them time to get used to because its something they never knew about you.

    and of course its up to you whether you wanna wait and tell them later, or do it sooner.

    and about your friend. if he really is the other half to you. he shouldnt ditch you.
    i mean, he may act awkward about it for a while, which is to be accepted with someone who is uncomfortable with homosexuality.
    but he shouldnt shut you out of his life altogether, if you are really that important to him.

    i mean, we're always the ones who are worried about losing friends, but im sure straight people dont enjoy that either.

    so if you do decide to tell him, give him time, and hopefully he will be there for you.

    good luck.
     
  5. George1

    George1 Guest

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    Thanks you guys... I think I'm going to come out soon... Or probably when I get a boyfriend, since coming out with someone next to you is so much easier. =/