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help... please

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ontarioboy187, Jun 29, 2009.

  1. Ontarioboy187

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    Hi, I am new at this and am really nervous about it.
    Well my problem is my mom, before i came out to her we were really close, we would go to the movies and just hang watcin t.v. or movies. But ever since i came out to her she is so distant with me every time i do anything rong she freaks and tells me how she is moving cause she can't deal with it anymore. She always gets mad that i don't want her to tell any of her friends or my brothers. I am just so lost, she tells me she has no problem with it but but the way she acts and stuff she says totally contradict this. Like i will go to give her a hug and she says "I thought u only liked touching boys". I need someone to talk to and give me advice.
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi,

    Welcome to EC. You'll find wonderful support and great advice here.

    First off, I'm sorry to hear about what you're experiencing. It must have been hard enough to tell her, and then to have her respond the way she did must be that much more difficult for you, because, since you're not out to anyone else, you *need* her support.

    How long has it been since you told her? If it's less than several months, she is still adjusting to it. That doesn't make it right that she's acting the way she is, but it sounds like it was a shock to her and it also sounds like somehow she feels guilty or that she's to "blame" for the way you are.

    Have you gotten her some PFLAG literature? PFLAG is an absolutely amazing resource for parents whose kids have just come out. It would probably be a challenge but maybe you could get her to go to a meeting, tell her it's a special favor to you. If she goes once, she will probably come back.

    Also, you might just try asking her to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with you. It's possible that she is so wrapped up in her own feelings, she doesn't recognize how her behavior is affecting you. It sounds like she wants to be supportive, so it's possible that if you just sit and talk with her she'll understand and make an effort to change.

    You also don't say how old you are, but that can have an influence too. If you're ready to go to college, perhaps she is in a way trying to distance herself a little bit because she knows she's going to "lose" you when you go off to school (or whatever you do after high school).

    In any case, I would say the first solution is talking, the second might be getting her to a PFLAG meeting. Let us know how it goes.
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC from Jim - also in the Toronto area! (Newmarket actaully.)

    I'm sorry to hear that your mom is reacting the way she is. One thing you have to keep in mind is that you've had lots of time to come to terms with the fact that you're gay. It probably wasn't easy for you to accept - as that's what most of us found.

    So she also needs some time to think about this and get used to it.

    I'm glad you came out. That was you being honest withyourself and with one of the most important people in your life - your mom. So I'd encourage you to keep being honest with her. When she makes hurtful comments like "I thought you only liked touching boys" you should tell her how that makes you feel. Don't get angry, but be honest and tell her that when she makes comments like that your feelings are hurt because you're still the same loving son to her that you were before you came out to her...

    If you check out our 'resources' page there are links to some information that you might want to print off and give to her. She perhaps doesn't understand what being gay really means.

    I'm glad you found this site. I'm sure if you hang out here for a while you'll start to feel better about your situation, and figure out ways to deal with your mom.

    Good luck! And again, welcome to EC!!!
     
  4. Ontarioboy187

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    Cal and Jim thanks for the welcome. and i am totally out but i told my mom last and that may be part of it. shes really scary and i am almost in college. I need her support because i want her to be there for me and we live alone and i don't want it to be a constant fight between us. When i first told her we talked for a good 2-3 hours. And for like the first week she was fine with it. After that how ever is when it started. Thank you both for the support i really appreciate it.
     
  5. malachite

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    Hmmm…I’m sorry to hear your mother isn’t taking this well; but, don’t let her guilt you into something you are not ready for. If you don’t want to tell your brothers that is YOUR business.

    Your Mom might feel like she lost something with you, it’s kinda hard to put in words, but you obviously have, or had, a pretty good relationship. You went to movies and all that. Lots of Mom-son time. Does she do that with your other brothers?
    If not, that might be why she is taking this in a bit hard, but that doesn’t give her the right to make you feel bad.
    Plus you're leaving for college soon and she might be getting a little empty nest syndrome.
    “I’m moving I can’t take this any more.”

    This isn’t about her, this about you and a important change you are going through. She can’t guilt you straight.

    Anyhow, I hope things get better and take my advise for what is it worth.
     
  6. Alex19

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    if i were u, i would confrront her about it. not saying U should, but thats what i would do. if it led to an arguement, so be it. For me personally, im at the point where if i have to defend my sexuality, ill do it happily. what im trying to say is, if it comes down to it, ask your mom and if she gives u a hard time about, stay strong and defend your ground.
     
  7. Ontarioboy187

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    I would but if it did get to an arguement my mom would have no problem with kicking me out. Nad with my current status (no job) i can't afford for that to happen.
     
  8. Tiny Catastrophe

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    i think maybe you should just sit down with your mom just the 2 of you and have a discussion about what she honestly thinks about you being gay and you should tell her how she makes you feel and you want things the way they used to be. you should tell her that it upsets you that you 2 have grown distant and you just want her to accept you because you only get one mom
     
  9. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    You talk about needing someone to talk to. Have you thought that your mom might need somebody to talk to also? Why don't you want her to talk to her friends? I agree with all suggestions above but I think your mom might need some support too. You say you are out to everyone so does it matter if she tells her friends? Think about that and download the PFLAG materials for your mom.

    http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594&srcid=416
     
  10. seadog

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    Hang in there, O'boy. I remember when my baby brother came out to my mom she struggled FOR YEARS. In her case, the sticking point was what SHE THOT God 's judgment was. My mom was raised in the 20's and 30's, and years of programming (i.e. letting others tell her what to think) conflicted with the message from her heart ("love your kid"). Anyway, its taken her years, but she's there now, altho her religious practices still seem a bit superstitious at times. My sense is that the cliche "love conquers all" is true. Let your love for her, and hers for you, work to your advantage. Glad to read your posts, and sorry for the struggles now. It will pay off, though.
     
  11. erod123

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    yea i no how you feel i my mom is like that too just hang in there it will get better in time k