:eusa_doh: Since I started counselling I have, for the most part, been feeling quite good about things. That resulted in being able to come out to a work colleague as well. He wanted to meet up, outside work, to fool around but I said no due to a number of reasons I have. Last week I started talking to a guy online, I also gave him my mobile number, and he seems really nice. As far as you can tell from online contact. We've discussed meeting up to the point where we tentatively arranged meeting up tomorrow night. I find myself drawing back like I have in the past. I really want to be more comfortable with meeting people but I cant seem to shake the absurd social phobia I have. I cant talk to new people whether it be on the phone or in person. This is especially true when it comes to other gay guys. Its doing my head in:eusa_doh:
Well, ask yourself what is it about meeting new people, or going out in public at freaks you out. Are you worried no one will like you? Do you feel like everyone is staring at you? Once you've identified what is freaking you out then you can start cope with it.
I'm ok going out in public, I mean I drink with friends at the weekend and I go to work during the week, so its not agoraphobia or anything like that. Its not a full social phobia because I can interact with with people. I've always been shy, but, given time and effort, I can usually overcome that in order to do what I need to do in life with regards to work etc. Its not that I am worried that no-one will like me either, as most people say I am a nice guy, but then they say that without ever having met me. I tend to be really awkward in getting across what I mean to say. I try to say something positive, express it in the wrong way or words, and I get misunderstood. That's just one example. Even with friends I have that problem - I cant communicate properly. I doubt I am even getting what I mean to say across in this thread. Apart from the headline message.
At the most basic level, it is probably a very deep-seated, unconscious fear that you aren't *worthy* of someone liking you. I'm sure this isn't at the conscious level, but most people that have challenges like you're describing are, at a deep level, afraid of rejection. Actually, nearly everyone has some fear of rejection, which is why nearly everyone is a little shy about going up and introducing themselves or asking out people they are attracted to... but for shy people, it's that much harder. People who are socially shy have the additional issue that comes from... being shy. Because shy people have usually been that way thorughout life, they didn't have as much opportunity in elementary and junior high school to experience what's called "consensual validation", which is the process by which we try out different behaviors, actions, etc, and learn rather quickly from our friends responses whether or not those behaviors and actions are socially appropriate. Shy people have typically had less interaction, and so less opportunity to hone those skills. One of the best tools for overcoming shyness, and the social deficits (if any) that come with, is participating in groups. There are self-help groups, usually drop-in (casual membership) for people who are shy and/or have social phobias, and there are closed, time-limited groups run by therapists, which are more intense and where typically more growth happens. I would think either of these options would be an excellent way for you to start overcoming your shyness. Another way to do it is to simply force yourself to overcome it, and by doing so, unlearn the unconscious messages that motivate shyness. My therapist once gave me the assignment of going out to a random place (like a high-traffic shopping mall) and striking up at least 10 random conversations with people I'd never met. The conversations didn't have to be more than four or five exchanges long, and could be as simple as something like "Do you know anything about the clothing stores in this mall? Are there any you particularly like? I'm looking for a good one." It was incredibly daunting for me to do that at the time, because I was pretty shy. But I did it, and it was pretty amazing how quickly I began to realize that it wasn't nearly as impossible as it seemed. You might also confide in some close friends your concerns about your awkwardness in communication, and create a "social contract" where they will intercede and tell you when you're doing or saying something that isn't perceived correctly. It is always a little awkward, but if it's from someone you trust, and done with respect and caring for you, it can be a remarkably quick way to reinforce what you're doing right and help you see the things you might not be aware of that are making things more difficult for you. I think that combination of things might be an excellent start... and with more interactions, the social awkwardness and anxiety will go away.
Thanks for this post. I've asked my counsellor about a group the charity runs and I have said I want to go on the next one, which is a month or two away, so I am hoping that I will have the courage to go through with actually going to it. I feel quite positive about that right now. I had hoped in the meantime that I would be able to go ahead and start meeting people off my own initiative but this has been a little bit of a set-back. My confidence still isnt high and I should have resisted the temptation to get ahead of myself. Your 'task' of going to a busy shopping centre is an interesting one, but, I am not sure how it would work where I live or work. People are so suspicious at the best of times. The social contract is another interesting one. There is one or two friends I think I could trust to help me out in that way. Thanks again. Really useful post.
You might actually consider confiding in your new online friend a bit, too. Just say "I really do feel nervous about meeting someone new in this way. It just seems really foreign to me, so I might be a bit off my game. I hope you'll forgive me for that." Lex
I was interested by the 'task' calchip mentioned. I have done something similar, for slightly different reasons. I used to have a really bad stammer so I joined a programme for 'recovering' from stammering. As part of the programme they encourage you to go out and speak to 100 strangers in the street. This was a REALLY scary thing for me to do. The first time I did it i was in Scotland and people were really friendly. When I came home to northern Ireland and did the same thing i was expecting people to be less friendly...but surprisingly most of my experiences have been quite positive...if you're asking a reasonable question. So, i know its for different reasons but if you think it might help, give it a go... I'm usually uncomfortable meeting people for the first time ... I can't relax and I'm not good at small-talk either probably because I used to try to say as little as possible when talking to people. Putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, with the backup of a friend, sounds like a good way to start facing the fear too...
Thanks to everyone who replied. I think I am going to bring this up with my counsellor as its something that has only been touched on in brief. I've self diagnosed myself as having some form of social phobia - the symptoms seem to be spot on - so it would be nice to see if I can 'cure' myself without having to resort to medication. Would be nice to be able to meet with someone and hopfully be happy together.
