Shame that my first post in practically ages is such a depressing one Well the title says it all really, it seems whatever i do latley it always upsets someone, usually close to me and it really gets to me :/ so ill appologise beforehand for my pointless rant ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well ill start at the begining, i knew i was bi for about 3 years now but only accepted it probably a year and a half ago, where shortly after i met my first bf, who i had a really amazing time with, although it was prominently a internet relationship really, which is where my first hurting people starts, we never saw eachother through personal reasons (mainly mine) and decided to call it off, neither of us were out at the time and it was a mutual decicsion although neither of us wanted it. I also did something during that relationship that i regret to this day and always will. But thats gone now and im not gonna go there. Nether the less we remained good friends and managed to meet a few times (sadly at his expence; but im still trying... promise) A few months later, probably nearly a year ago now i ended up in a relationship with a seemingly great guy (we shall call him guy1), he lived near me, went to the same school and we got along with pretty much all of eachothers friends, although as you may know some guys seem to be all great when they want something... and when they get it... they change, and he did, he got controlling and paraniod about me, we began to argue all the time and he tried to cause problems between me and my ex who had vowed to keep good friends. I called it off after pretty much getting to the point of wanting to end it all and tried to keep things together, sadly my support (my 1st ex) wasnt talking to me at this point and so i ended up getting deeper into the depressed me. Happy to say we managed to sort things out and began talking again. Then after a while i began seeing another guy (im not a whore there was events between my relationships, its just your probs bored already) (lets call him guy2) he seemed and this time was great, i had someone to talk to about my problems and family trouble and he could talk to me too, he was out and his family not only accepted him but me too which felt amazing to finally feel as if i fitted in. Obviously this caused some problems with my ex, but i thaught we were ok... Then it happened... I CAME OUT to my parents who in their own words called me "a dissapointment" and basically dissowned me All seemed to be going well, but then he decided to end it, i guess i managed to get too attached and involved as this hit me hard. We stopped speaking and it seemed to go bad, but eventually i managed to get over the down i was in and pick myself up. Now this is where i thaught i would manage to get along but for personal reasons my ex (internet relationship one) wasnt online too much and i wasnt either, we seemed to be doing fine, yeah i still had... have, feelings for him but we had spoke about that and knew atleast while we lived so far apart nothing could happen... Now we havent spoken too much, i think because when we do speak it upsets him with all my problems (which is stupid of me to even think about burdening him with my problems) and it upsets me that we arent as close. But i understand, and just hope that we can be good friends once again. Since this i got talking to a guy, just as a friend at first because he lived near me, only to find out he was actually bi (but in the closet) and with a girlfriend, we got close and talked alot but he wouldnt (nor would i let him cheat on his gf) so we just remained really good mates, ill call him "closet-guy" Now more recently too realising that i couldnt get attached to the guy, i started dating a guy, amazing, gorgeous and we get along really well, or so i thaught, until on a date i went to kiss him, to which he pulled away saying it was too soon, and that he doesnt want to lead me on not knowing his feelings - of which i completly understand, things just seem different now, and im scared iv scared him off; added to this hes at his dads a thousand miles away for a month and so i havent been speaking to him too much - but i guess the time apart will give him time to think about it and maybe realise what he wants. But then you would think, thats ok, just wait for him to get home and you will sort it - but nope, "closet guy" told me recently that he has feelings for me and thinks he chose the wrong person by staying with his girlfriend :s, and yeah i have got feelings for him. Gosh! End Of Rant!!! So im stuck... 1. How do i get that good relationship back with my 1st bf as he is my support and i really miss him, to the point i get upset thinking about it. 2. What do i do about the guy that im dating (that im not sure even has feelings for me and when asked just says he doesnt know) 3. Do i tell the closet guy that i have feelings for him too, and what do i do?? Sorry guys i rant alot. :sleep: (&&&)
No problem. 1. I'm not sure. If he's not online, do you have alternative mehtods of communication? Like phone conversations? If so, call him and tell him how you feel. 2. Do you want a relationship in which you aren't sure if the person loves you? If so, then continue. If not, give it some more time. Maybe he just needs more time. Some people have commitment problems. It is entirely possible that he loves you, but just feels weird telling you. 3. Maybe. Would it ruin your friendship?
Well, I won't speak to #1. For #2, there's not much you can do until he's back. Once he is, you can see where you stand. Not sure if you are in an exclusive dating relationship with him, but I think it's worth the wait now because... The closet guy #3 option has a number of problems right now. First, it sounds like he's still with his gf. Also, is he comfortable with his attraction for guys, being in the closet and having a gf? That might be a difficult hurdle to get past. And he already knows you have feelings for him, so you've already gone there, right? If eventually you break it off with #2 and #3 breaks it off with his gf, then you can pursue it.
Sometimes you just can't "get back" a certain type of relationship with people. It sucks (incredibly badly, I know) but if they aren't willing to put the effort into it, there's nothing much you can do (without their disinterest turning you into a stalker if you try to push the matter--which is completely unfair, I know). I dunno... my initial impression is that if you have someone who is actively interested in you and someone else who is "unsure," unless you have a lot of time and emotional energy invested in the "unsure" person (unless you have a relatively significant history with them), it's better to pursue the person who is actually interested in you. I mean, avoiding kissing because that's "too much?" The 1950s called--they want their standards of behaviour back! To me, you wait on sex, you don't wait on kissing. If someone is so confused about their feelings they won't kiss you, that's a pretty big red flag to me.
I think Joey has given an excellent response here, and I'd echo pretty much everything he said. At the same time, I also agree with oldies84 about the concerns with ClosetGuy. It's hard enough having a gay relationship for a relatively newly-out person who doesn't have parental support. If you're going to consider a relationship with someone closeted, you do need to be prepared with all that comes with that... in addition to the ethical issues if he is trying to continue the relationship with his GF while with you, it means that, for a while at least, you will be made to feel "invisible", in that he won't want to acknowledge to anyone publicly that you exist. That can be OK for a while if you understand what's going on, but it can really start to impact your own sense of self-worth and self-esteem if it goes on for too long. It's a tough call, and I don't think there's any definitive "right answer" from what you've described. I think what I'd do, assuming you have feelings for Closet Guy, is talk to him openly, discuss your concerns about what his being closeted will mean for you, and get a sense of where he is on the prospect of coming out. If it's something he can see doing in a reasonable timeframe (whatever "reasonable" is to you), then I'd say go for it. If he can't ever see doing that, then you really need to think about what that means for your long-term emotional health.
thanks for the replies guys, XD I so agree with this! i mean i could genuinely be happy with either of the guys im sure, as im sure over time i could really develop feelings for them :/, i already do a bit. That makes me sound sooooo slag-like as for the internet relationship guy... im lost, i mean i know he will have read this so hopefully he sees what i feel and knows i want our closeness back :/ now thats the thing, like i said he said to me that he thinks he made the wrong deciscion going for his gf :/ and is thinking about ending it with her... for me :/ however we have spoken about me and the guy im not sure about and he understands were dating and may end up together... and to my surprise said that if i got with him we would have to call it off and he was ok with that. Which made me think he must really care about me. so iv made my decicion..... im going to go on the date with the "closet guy" as even if we dont end up together we are close, and then ill see what happens and where me and the guy stand whos on holiday, and if i dont feel like we could or he doesnt we shall stay really good friends the internet guy... i can just hope that he will see how much i want to have him back as my best m8 and maybe reconsider xx thankies guys
