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I'm completely lost. [Semi-Long Story]

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Time, Jul 2, 2009.

  1. Time

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    I'll try not to bog this down with too much detail, but I do apologize if I fail at that.

    Basically, I'm in a relationship with this amazing person that has a heart of gold and loves me unconditionally. I love him too. I really do. I guess I don't show it enough, or perhaps I don't really know how to show it. He says he sometimes questions my love for him.

    We went out for 6 months. I went away on a school trip for a day and ended being kissed by some guy I met from another town. I didn't tell him. A lot of shit happened that neither of us at were at fault for and he had to move. We agreed to stay in the relationship. I went to visit the guy that kissed me. Needless to say, we kissed again. About a month later, I broke up with my boyfriend over the phone. Later, I told him about this guy from out of town.

    Fast forward about 3 months later and he moved back. We got back together. We've been back together for about 3 months now. I cheated on him a couple weeks ago. It was a random fling. I didn't plan it out or anything. It just happened. My two closest friends encouraged me to do it, and unfortunately, I gave in. He found out yesterday.

    The thing is...we're still together. We're not breaking up, unless of course I cheat again. He says this is the last straw. He says that he thinks I fully realize this time how much I screwed up and he wants to believe I won't do it again. Mind you, I do not want us to break up. I want us to last.

    It is to be expected that he's going through a roller coaster of emotions. One minute we're fine; it's like nothing happened. The next, he's tearing me apart for what I did. I know I deserve the latter. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve a relationship like this. I've done nothing but hurt him. He's given everything for me. He's sacrificed so much. And this is how I repay him?

    I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I'm certainly not going to cheat on him again. I'm not even going to consider it. I think I've finally had my wake-up call. But I don't know what to do or say right now. Apologizing is pretty much worthless. I've probably done too much of that. I don't think he even believes that I'm sincere anyway.

    I don't know why I have commitment issues. I've cheated on another significant other in the past. And those I haven't cheated on, I've considered it. I feel like a complete douche. And I know I am. But I need to know what to do to help him get through this. I want this relationship to work. I'm done with all of the shit I've put him through.

    Help.
     
  2. acorn7

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    Hmmm... Well the fact you cheated on him is obviously not great, but you recognize this and that's the good news. The other good news is that despite this, he appears to still want to be with you.

    Honestly, there's nothing much TO do... The best you can do is explain to him everything and be 100% honest with him. Hopefully he can believe you and you guys can get over this.

    And if you love your boyfriends, ask yourself why you cheat on them? Not an easy question, OK, but try to ask yourself what compels you to do it... is it intoxication? Need for immediate affection/sexual release? The fact you don't care about the boyfriend that much? And then try to fix what's causing it and pay attention to it.

    Anyway, good luck :slight_smile:
     
  3. SRSLYMARK

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    Just talk to him about it and make sure you don't do it again. What's done is done, and you can't change it now. Clearly he's very committed to you if he's willing to stick with you after something like that, so it's not something to dwell on. Just move forward and make the best of the situation. Love him and appreciate him, and there shouldn't be a problem. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Swamp56

    Swamp56 Guest

    Are you unable to stop yourself from cheating, or is this all from bad decisions and peer pressure? Either way, you need to shape up and gain control of your actions.

    Idk, everyone's problems seem dwarfed to me due to what I have to deal with on a daily basis.
     
  5. olides84

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    ^This. Because I really noticed the 'he kissed me' and 'my friends encouraged me' in your post. Try to be honest with yourself and really understand the basis behind your commitment issues. Because I think the only way you can get beyond this behavior is to really understand why you do it. And only if you know, and are able to deal with it, and your boyfriend also understands/accepts that you've conquered whatever the issue is, will he be able to better trust you again.
     
  6. Jace

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    Wow your getiing more action than I've gottenn in forever
    Lol

    But yeah

    So this guy "kissed you" did you kiss him back?

    I think that's what counts
     
  7. Just Adam

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    your right you were a douche for cheating realising at the time how much he cares and loves you and i think its great of him to put up with it not many people are as forgiving you should remember that, and your friends talked you into cheating???? what kind of friends are they thats just cruel and why would you listen :S


    but it is good you realise your epic douchness and all you can do now is be his absoloute bitch for a while :S you need to kiss some major ass do what ever you have to show your love for him every single cheesey corny love thing as he is great to stay with you and needs to be appreciated
     
  8. Chip

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    You've identified that there's an issue, and you've taken responsibility, and that's a great first step.

    Unfortunately, as you probably realize, "making sure you don't do it again" is most likely not going to be enough. Acorn7 has the right idea, that you need to explore what's going on, but my guess is that it's nowhere near the surface, so it's going to take some work to figure out what's going on.

    There are a million possibilities that could be giving rise to these behaviors, but I would wager that at some level, there is either a very deep fear of being really emotionally close and open, or else there is some very deep, buried self-hate message ("I'm not worthy of having a great person like this, and he will eventually figure out I'm a fake, so I will sabotage the relationship and cause him to break up, that way I will have control of the situation").

    The two are not mutually exclusive, and there are plenty of others, but it's very common for these sorts of behaviors to be driven by one or the other. If there's an opportunity for you to get therapy, this would be something you could definitely work out with a therapist. If not, you might be able to find a self-help group that deals with relationship issues, but you'll likely be the youngest person there.

    The other thing that can sometimes help is to get yourself into a relaxed state and just start writing, without thinking about it. It sounds odd, but if you get in the right space, you can just let words flow out and see what happens. It might not be sentences at first, but you will probably find that if you practice it, pieces of your unconscious will start to come out through the writing. You can try asking your unconscious "Why do I keep cheating" and just letting the words flow out. If writing doesn't come easily, then turning on a voice recorder and rambling stream of consciousness, tossing out every crazy idea you can think of, can also work. Then, when you listen back, or read back, perhaps ideas or thoughts will begin to come out.

    If that starts yielding interesting information, post more info about it, and perhaps you can get some useful suggestions about what it means (or, alternatively, PM me if you'd rather discuss privately.)

    The fact that you recognize this now, as young as you are, is really outstanding, because it is much, much easier to identify the issue and work on resolving it than if you let it sit, and build up layers of defenses around it for 20 years, as most guys do.

    Last thing: Since it sounds like your relationship with your bf is one with a lot of openness, why not directly discuss it with him. Tell him that you're trying to understand what it is, and get to the root so you don't do it again, and ask him to share anything he's noticed about you that might give you a new viewpoint. Make clear that you don't *expect* him to trust you for a while, and that it's OK.

    It sounds like both of you have a willingness to try to work it out, and that's 80% of the battle :slight_smile:
     
  9. matty123

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    yes tbh you have bin quite a douche, however this guy is still standing by u, willing to give you another chance, just don't screw it up again, maybe u do have commitment issues, are u sure that u want to be in a relationship??maybe u just need a break to work out what u really want?
     
  10. xxxxx

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    Let's face it we all like to experiment with new people. Nothing wrong with that! my be you need a little time apart to figure out what u truly want and to wake you up a bit. Then if you realize what you miss about him get back together with him again. It's a good way to show him u love him then you can tell him all the thing's you have missed about him. I am sure you will figure thing's out! good luck! x
     
  11. Curiosity

    Curiosity Guest

    I have to agree with him for the most part.
    And,
    Maybe you could do more intimate things to spark your relationship. Idk.. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Do whatever you feel needs to be done.
     
  12. dude99

    dude99 Guest

    Well he may not fully trust you now, and there has to be alot of work to return to the earlier time in the relationship where there was alot more trust. If you are truly honest with yourself and really love him, and dont want him to leave you then there is alot more work you need to do. If you are really tempted to cheat again, ask yourself is it really worth it? Is it really worth doing in order to break up a relationship. Maybe you might not be truley happy in the relationship and if you are not happy in it then maybe it be best to end this relationship. But if you truley really want to remain with him then I really wish the best of luck in this.