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Just A Rant About Life

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LostInNJ, Jul 2, 2009.

  1. LostInNJ

    LostInNJ Guest

    Hi all, I know it's been a while, but I'm back. I guess in my own mind, I thought I was strong enough to try and do this on my own. In reality, I'm still stuck in the same spot and still need to talk. For those of you who followed my posts a few months back, I'm not really out to anyone new. But I did move out into a house with 2 friends which was a big concern of mine at the time. I did actually meet someone and I guess by definition went on a few dates and stuff. That didn't last too long however. I think it was the shifts I have to do with work. It's not really conventional hours so that alone is hard for anyone in the field let alone being gay. That's really the only difference between then and now. But that leads me to the reason I'm back here to talk again.

    More recently I have started to feel that I made a mistake by telling anyone that I'm gay. While a few friends have been good about it, things aren't the same in my eyes with others. I've really only told closer friends of mine which is why it's hard for me to feel like I should have kept it inside seeing as I felt we were close. I feel as if this is being held above my head now and its started to feel uncomfortable. I feel that the fact that I'm gay has overshadowed the person that I really am and they have lost sight of the person I used to be. I've sat down with them and tried to have a few conversations about it, but it doesn't seem to have gotten any better. Partially because we all know how badly males communicate with each other. That's probably one obstacle to this whole thing too. Almost all my friends are guys.

    What I'm really looking for is everyone to see the same person I was before anyone knew. I want to be a friend, not the gay friend. I want to be the roommate, not the gay roommate. I want to be a coworker, not the gay guy from work. I just want to be the same I was. I want to be able to bring a guy home to hang with my friends and them be cool with that. I want them to be themselves around me. Feel free to say what they want. If there is a gay comment made or a reference on TV, don't look at me to see my reaction. If it's funny laugh at it. That is all asking for too much. Two of my better friends when I came out to them each had a friend come out to them while they were at college. They were positive about it and said that nothing will change. Giving it some time, I feel odd and I can't exactly put my finger on what it is. But it doesn't feel the same to me. I used to use humor as a crutch, but found that made it more awkward, so stopped. And I don't really talk about anything gay related with them anymore. But while things have moved on a bit and nobody makes mention of it, I still feel its being held over my head. That part is hard to explain. But the feeling I get from it is I would probably be better off if none of them ever knew.

    One of those same friends, I kind of started to have a crush on. Who wouldn't? He's cute, funny, smart, etc. Due to his mannerisms, most people think he's gay. He's not at all, But I think that makes it harder for me to try and move past this because of that. The other part about it that bothers me is the only reason people think he's gay is because of how he acts. That's a stereotype and it bothers me too. It doesn't bother him in the least bit. How is the straight guy who everyone thinks is gay more accepting of it than the gay guy in the closet that everyone thinks is straight? I'm tired of crushing on straight guys. But I guess it will happen because I will end up making stronger ties with guys seeing as I'm gay.

    The area I live in is not very diverse at all, but I love it here. I know I am not the only gay guy in the area here. When I look around the room at a bar, restaurant, store, concert, etc, I know I'm not the only one. But I haven't been able to find or meet anyone new. The best luck I'd have is to go to New York City since its close, but gay bars is a whole new scene to me and I'm not sure how ready I am for that. At the same rate, I'm tired of being alone. And I'm tired of how the ladies are practically lining up at my door, and I can't find a guy to date for the life of me. When I look at all my friends, they either have a significant other or have a really close friend of theirs that they do everything together with. I have had no luck in the dating scene and that's getting real old real fast. But I also don't have that one good friend or two that I hang with all the time. I guess I'm still a loner. I see the close knit groups of people and when one is missing, it's not the same without them. I often wonder if anyone would even notice I was gone. Do I even cross their mind when I'm working or something and they're all hanging out?

    I don't really know what could be said. Guess I'm just venting. But I'll be on here a little more again. Have a good night. And have a good holiday weekend for my fellow peeps from the USA.
     
  2. jayhad90

    jayhad90 Guest

    hey i know what your going through i just admitted to myself that im gay yesterday and its hard i dont know what to do but i havent come out yet and i dont think i will because im scared of my fam and friends treating me different and i am so lonely as well to but idk your post just made me want to vent too. lol you have a good night to :slight_smile:
     
  3. Alex19

    Full Member

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    man... i wish that i knew what to say. so, ill give it my best shot- bear with me.

    i think that u may b thinking too much not the whole 'holding it over my head' thing. i honestly dont know what that feels like, but at the same time i know what u mean about basically feeling at a loss or left behind in terms of relationships and all that.

    but i dont think that u made a mistake by telling ppl. and of coarse u feel different than u used to- its b/c now your coming to terms with something that uv always been and letting ppl know who u like. its bound to make u feel different but im sure ull get used to it so i wouldnt worry.

    and welcome back! i really did think u were never gonna show up again. but, im glad u did b/c there are tons of ppl on here that will help u out. (and give u better advise then myself! lol)
     
  4. Legnaj

    Legnaj Guest

    Dude you just summed up everything I'm going through. It's so frustrating. I want to be like one of the guys but they wont let me because I cant talk about how much I wanna bang pussy so I try to hang with the girls but I cant because they think Im strange because I dont act like a "normal" gay guy. Everyone is off dating and it sucks because it feels like you were left behind and no one cares, but when you meet someone that does they care for you too much and your back at square one. Sometimes I wonder how they would treat me if I had a boyfriend. I dont think they would treat me the same, in fact I kinda know it. If anything find new people to hang with but keep your contacts close and go to a gay bar :slight_smile:
     
  5. The Enigma

    The Enigma Guest

    I can feel for you. My school hours have been highly irregular lately and have been a major cause of disruption in my social life. Many people think I've abandoned them or have abandoned me out of frustration. It's very agonizing as I haven't done anything wrong by taking classes. :frowning2: At least I see it that way--but that may be a bit too selfish.

    And I can see why you'd want to retreat back in the closet. It's tough being the butt of a joke and I've been there too. I've been met with an assortment of nasty terms mainly for being bi-racial, but some too for being gay. It's not what people say to your face that is the most painful, it's what you think or know they say but don't have the courage or openness to say in your presence that really gets to you. :frowning2:

    I also have a straight friend who likes to hang out with me, hang over me, borderline flirt with me and it totally mind fucks me. :frowning2: I don't have the strength to tell him to stop because I really like him and that's honestly just how he is. (very informal and physical) It's hard loving someone who'll never love you back.

    It's good to vent though. It really, honestly helps us to let go and gain a tempeorary sense of closure.

    But please, hold your head up high. You did nothing wrong.

    It's not a sin to be yourself. To wanton and feel comfortable in your own skin. To desire kinship and brotherhood amongst your trusted and close friends.

    If you want to ever talk, my door is always open. :slight_smile:
    Have a fantastic day NJ.
    (I've missed you.)