usual type rant, i expect the usual "there are more fish in the sea" and "you'll find someone some day" type answers... well, i met this guy like in my final week of college, so we havent spoken that much face to face, but we talked on msn all the time since like the end of may. we seemed to be getting along really well. lets call him Adam, i wont use his actual name for obvious reasons. i asked him to the cinema a while ago. firstly, he said he would go, but after the exams, which is fair enough. Adam is really work driven and motivated in college... so the exams had passed and after a bit i asked him about it again. he said that he had no cash, and will go with me as soon as he gets a job. which is plausable, and i still thought it sounded good because he said stuff like "definately" and "we WILL go!". fast forward a couple of weeks to this evening and he tells me that he is meeting up with some guy he met on a uni open day, and he is fond of this guy, and he is travelling to london to see him. this actually made me feel physically sick. i feel awful now :tears: i thought it was going sooooooo well, and built my hopes up sky high, and now they came crashing down to rock bottom. the other thing is- if Adam can afford train fare to London, why cant he afford to meet up and spend £5 going to the cinema? also, what has this other london guy got that i havent got? ARRRGGHHHHH, im so pissed off, and upset, and angry, and annoyed. Adam was actually really nice, a real geniune kind of person. he wasnt like other people i had talked to. im sick of talking internet losers who are either up themselves or just want casual sex. cant seem to get anywhere, ever.:bang:
Ouch....well, unfortunately, it sounds like he sort of "snubbed" you...I know you're expecting "There'll be someone someday" answers, and guess what? You're right. You WILL find someone someday. It just isn't healthy to get hung up on Adam. As for Internet losers, believe me, I've met my share of them too. It's hard, but someone will come along.
Yeah, that sucks. It can be useful to vent though. Were you maintaining contact over this time period? Did you offer to pay? I haven't wondered too far into the internet scene. Around here it seems to involve a LOT of people just wanting casual sex, and it's apparently the same guys on all the sites. And there's also a lot of weird love triangles.
Hiya Zach~ I've seen you around every so often. It does seem like he gave you the cold shoulder. It sounds like it's time to rid yourself of him. He doesn't seem to truly value you and you don't want someone like that; you deserve better Zach. As hard as that is, you really should move on. I think him telling you he found someone interesting was his way of dumping you. But for clarification if you desire, you should ask him directly and avoid ambiguous statements. "It's okay" is actually a terrible thing to say right now. So instead, I'll say "You didn't seem to deserve this treatment but you can and will over come it." You're always welcome to come talk to me if you'd like. Have a good day Zach.
Actually, at this point in my life I totally disagree with the "more fish in the sea" line of reasoning. Not that there aren't lots of fish, and not that it's not easier earlier in life, but honestly, there are (in my experience at least) very few fish who are worth pulling from the sea. So when people say that now (either to me or in general), I tend to roll my eyes and get upset. I don't think, though, that the lack of scads of suitable people should discourage you. Generally I try to stress this (especially to younger people who might be operating under the illusion that there are inexhaustible supply of good dating candidates because of sayings like "there are plenty of fish in the sea") to emphasise that if you find someone good, you don't treat it frivolously. You don't take it for granted. And you don't let them go without having done everything you possibly can to make things work. In this situation, though, the Adam guy does not remotely sound like a good fish. So nothing to beat yourself up over... you didn't lose out on something good, you got saved (albeit not without some heartache) from something bad. Well I hope that's rhetorical... obviously he was simply being a douche and putting you off rather than being honest that he wasn't interested in you. A good rule of thumb is that if it takes more than a couple weeks for someone you're interested in to "find time" to hang out with you (unless they are out of the country or quite distantly located from you), nothing's going to happen. I say "find time" because in actuality it's a matter of making time, not finding it, and if they can't make it for you within a relatively short while, that is a clear indication that you are not a priority for them. And you do not want to get involved with someone who does not make you a priority. Also, another important lesson you can glean from this experience is that "talking all the time on the Internet" is not even remotely the same as "being willing to make an effort in real life." I don't know why that double standard exists, and it sucks, but it's there and it's good to realise that unless someone translates "online attention" into "in person attention," they aren't worth your time either online or in person. Perhaps what the London guy had that you haven't is more of an interest in casual sex? *grin* It's not anything to do with you lacking anything. It's to do with Adam being a wuss and also just having tastes that you don't fit. You are who you are. Someone who's right for you will appreciate that. But I hear you about the feeling of not being able to get anywhere. The happy fact in this case is that it's not like you won't have way more chances to connect with someone who properly appreciates you and doesn't leave you hanging. Especially at uni! Uni is like... built for meeting interesting new people. But if Internet dating/meeting is getting you down, try joining some kind of group, maybe a campus-based one. The Internet is super for many things, and not bad in terms of meeting people, but I think in-person encounters are still vastly superior if you can find them.
fuck him. At the end of day if he's gonna string you along and then do that he isn't worth shedding a tear over, mate. I don't know about there being more fish in the sea or not but there are definitely more genuine blokes out there than him. Chin up and look to the future, .luv, cause the past done and dusted
(*hug*)Aww, it's okay. You don't really know how the relationship may have even turned out anyway. You guys might have been bad for each other You'll get over him soon. Just sounds like a light-hearted crush to me. You're cute enough to find someone else. I think it's a little harsh to say Adam was stringing mrzach around and speaking of him like he's a jerk. He might have been genuinely interested in mrzach but may have found a guy he connected with more. Happens all the time. Why hang on to someone you're moderately interested in when there's someone you feel something strong with? About the trip to London, is he paying for everything himself? Adam's love interest could be paying for it, or he could have other matters to take care of in London. I just think it's unfair to all point the finger and say, "Jerk!"
Sorry to hear what you are going through Adam. If I were you I would drop him as a friend and block his msn. I agree what joey said and for you to join some group in college. Perhaps there is a gay and lesbian group you can join there as most campus have one.
opps I meant: Sorry to hear what you are going through mrzach. Adam is an arsehole. If I were you I would drop him as a friend and block his msn. I agree what joey said and for you to join some group in college. Perhaps there is a gay and lesbian group you can join there as most campus have one.
I don't think there's a ton I can say that hasn't already been said. But basically, Joey had it right - don't be with someone who won't make you a priority. You deserve a person who will reciprocate your feelings. This guy's a douche, especially for rubbing it in your face like that. Don't dwell on this - get back out there and keep meeting people!
yeah we talked almost everyday on msn. i didnt offer to pay, the thought had crossed my mind, but i didnt want to sound like depserate... what do you mean by "clarification" and "asking directly"? i mean what should i ask him? if anything that is. but Adam is really nice, this is what i dont understand, i dont get why he led me on/effectively lied to me also - i understand this, but his reasoning was all there and explained, and he did seem really keen. if it werent for this i would have understood that he wasnt interested, but before last night it all seemed so straight forward i dont really think it will be *that* easy to forget about all this. plus i think that the "fuck him" kind of attitude is slightly childish, and im not a mean person :S this is his sole reason to visit London, theres nothing else, he would have told me. yeah, i dont think he is a jerk or anything. i am still dissapointed with him though. half of me is thinking that i still want to talk to him, half of me is thinking why bother? also- thanks for the compliment! is he really an arsehole? i dunno if that is really true, one action doesnt make someone an arsehole, well at least in this circumstance, we got on really well and stuff. should i really block him? i wouldnt know what i would say to him, or i could just continue like nothing happened. on the whole getting out there type thing, well i have finished college for summer, and have uni in Sept, but i dunno without someone 'in the picture' at least, it would make me depressed, so waiting until uni to meet new people really isnt a good idea in my stupid head. what do i do next? thanks for all the support guys (&&&) -Zach
With Adam, I think you should still talk to him. I mean, he did tell you all about the London thing so maybe he considers you a friend and is clueless that he is stringing you along. But don't ignore your feelings; tell him how it made you feel. Because you don't want to get back into the same issues again. Also, what's with this need to have someone in the picture now rather than waiting until uni starts? Why would you be depressed without someone - can't you enjoy the summer doing things, hanging with friends and enjoying the freedom before school starts?
Well, for a sense of closure, I'd want a direct and absolute answer to his actions. But that's just me. I think knowing and hearing from his own mouth that you've been dumped and he's moved on, is good. (because you won't ever wonder why, when, or how)
Okay wait a sec... I just went back and reread what you initially wrote... did "Adam" ever know you had romantic feelings for him? Is it possible he just thought you were friends and has no idea that the fact that he's heading to London to meet up with a guy he fancies is making you feel like crap? Because I just spent 3 months hanging out on a really regular basis with someone I was madly in love with but I didn't say anything until he left to head back home (he was on exchange) because he was dating a friend of mine. Anyway, he professed to have had no idea how I felt--which I actually basically believe. Anyway, maybe the situation is that--you're so wrapped up in how you feel about him that you haven't noticed that he has no clue that's what the relationship is about for you. But barring that (i.e. say you mentioned how great you think he is and he knows you are romantically interested in him), it's generally the "nice" people who are frequently too weak to be honest and come out and let someone know that they don't like them "like that." Instead, they just hold things at friendship and then something like your situation happens. It's not that they're trying to be mean, it's that they're too non-confrontational and passive to have been able to tell you the truth because they know that would involve directly hurting your feelings. Unfortunately, they end up hurting your feelings indirectly but somehow that's easier for them to handle. Well, if as I mention above it's a case of Adam potentially having no clue about how you feel, you could tell him. Of course, he's found someone else who he likes so it's quite possible that will only lead to more heartache for you. At the end of the day, you either have someone who (a) couldn't tell you were interested and wasn't interested in you "that way" or (b) knew how you felt and treated you like dirt. Either way, it would be way better to find someone who does appreciate you in the romantic sense from the get-go. Are there gay youth groups in Nottingham or nearby? Because if you're fed up with meeting people over the Internet for the time being, that would likely be the best alternative. Or, of course, gay clubs. But you said you were tired of people who just want sex and gay clubs are definitely more set up for sexual relationships than for romantic ones (although obviously people who meet in a bar can and do end up dating). And not that gay youth groups don't often involve a lot of people who are looking for naked fun lol but the purported purpose of them is less about hooking up than a gay bar. Otherwise, you're kinda stuck with the Internet. Or you can join a group based around an activity you like rather than a specifically gay group and hope that you meet other people involved who are gay. It's often advised that the best way to meet good people for dating is to meet people who enjoy the same (or similar) activities that you do. But two months, while it's seems long, is not really that long--it will likely fly by and the you'll be back at uni. Hope some of that's helpful.
here is the convo: Adam says: you alright? Zach says: im ok, i need to talk to you about something... Adam says: oh..? I'm worried now Zach says: no need to be worried Adam says: oh ok, I still am Zach says: its just want to let you know that i have some feelings for you, and felt awful last night when you said about London and this guy Adam says: ohh. I'm really sorry that I mentionned it! I mean, Zach, as I said...I had no intentions of going out with anybody due to the fact that uni is soon and it would be fair on either me or the other person if things went well and we both had to go uni; in particularly the fact that manchester and london are quite far away! Even then, this guy came across by chance and only seriously considered him due to the fact he's going to London Zach says: it was just like you said that i was important to you, and well i cant have been that important, otherwise you have spent £5 going to the cinema, that you do have, since it does cost money to get to London? Adam says: before i proceed I must point out that London is constituting as a holiday for me..my mum is paying for it. and I promised you that I'd go to the cinema with you. And I will live up to that promise you are important to me...you're a good friend, and I think it's nice to have someone who I can talk to the way I feel I can talk with you. It gives me hope that all guys are not after the same thing! and Zach...if this all happened earlier I'm sure things would be different. Very different. We've just fallen victim to the time constraint which is around us. Zach says: hmm, ok, thats cleared things up a little Adam says: yeah I'm sorry if you thought I led you, Zach Zach says: which is what i thought Adam says: I mean I could throw every cliché up in existence here, but you're a really nice guy who I feel I could have a really nice, unconditional friendship with. oh, in that case, I really do apologise. I never meant to lead you...I believe myself to have been my very self...I didn't think I jumped out flirting at you at every turn. But if you think otherwise, then I must be mistaken. Zach says: no, nothing like that, it just felt weird and bad last night and im the kind of person that builds and builds hope up, so the dissapointment feels worse when things dont work out do you know what i mean? Adam says: I understand completely through past experience! as I said, the time period now would have been wrong for me to have set up a relationship with anyone from Nttm In the longer run, if it did happen between us, uni would come and split us up or cause a really large strain and really...that's fair on none of us; and surely you can understand that? Zach says: well, yes and no, i think that yes the distance would be a big issue, but surely this would not matter if we were both erm i dunno, the distance wouldnt break it i dont think Adam says: well i mean, i think the distance would be an issue for me...that's why, as I said, I wouldn't want to risk it Zach says: obviously theres no point in discussing someting which does not matter, but risk is something which worth taking in my opinion Adam says: well what you said does matter cos I mean, I really bothered about it and I feel really bad...I've done something wrong at some point and well...I play it safe. All the time. It's one of my flaws Zach says: well, i dunno this just all seems weird to me, im finding it hard to digest Adam says: what seems weird, sorry? Zach says: i dunno, you say youve done something wrong, what do you mean? Adam says: well the fact that you've had feelings for me and I've not surely shows a discrepency I just don't think I've acted to you in a way which was blatently me flirting/coming onto you but yet, you feel like this. Thus, I must have done something to make you feel like that which I've really missed! Zach says: oh ok i understand now you havent been flirty or anything like that, its just, well you really gave time out to talk to me, and it seemed like we getting on quite well, and the kind of idea of taking things further was always on the table really... ...the fact that you actually wanted to go to the cinema, and all the of the stuff surrounding that seemed positive? Adam says: well I did give time out to talk to you, and we are getting on well.....these are the products of a good friendship - I'm an approachable person, and if I click with another person, we click. I'm good with just talking with people, finding out their interests and showing them that I find them important and valuable as a human being! and the cinema...I wanted to go with you, and really, if you wanted, still would! I know it's an interest of yours and wanted to share that with you, and you could perhaps convince me that films are decent and yes...I guess I didn't elimate the possibility of a relationship...which I guess I should have. I'm sorry that I didn't mention it earlier, I just didn't know how you felt. At the other end of it I didn't want to introduce myself as 'my name's Adam AND I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYONE AROUND HERE AT THE MOMENT 'COS I'M OFF TO UNI SOON' you know? Zach says: yeah, i get it Keegan says: I'm not going to console you with any more clichés...cos they'll just be patronising and you'll probs be even more pissed off at me Zach says: im not pissed off im just, its just not what i expected at all Adam says: yeah, I know that now. I'm just really sorry that I made you feel like that little consolation, but things, as I said, would be very different if it were earlier on in the year etc. Zach says: what do you mean by different? in what way? you still knew you were off to uni right Adam says: well from my point of view I think starting a nttm relationship now would be rather silly..I mean, 3 months left here. that'd either be not enough time for a good relationship...or a glorified fling, which I'm not into! Zach says: well here is the situation; you think that location is an issue, which is stupid, people come before convience, and thats all i think * i mean distance more than location, you get the idea Adam says: I'm a pragmatic man I think of what's better in the long run and tbh..me and this guy have been really firmly based, I mean, I really didn't want to say this to you 'cos it would have made me feel shit...but I really do like this guy! Zach says: ok, well its obvious that im discussing my way further into shit and depression, so i think as far this convo goes, its over, and stupidly i hope this more convinient guy works out for you. i really hope that you are happy with him, none of this is sarcastic, in the slightest, i hope it works out for ya this isnt the end of our friendship at all, but i just cant talk about this anymore, thank you for being honest with me bye for now thanks if ya read all that, if you didnt, here is a summary: -he is going uni miles away in sept -distance is a big issue for him (which is completely fucking stupid) -he doesnt like me anyway, but then he said things would have been very different had it been the start of the year, so it isnt clear -this other guy in London is more convinient for him so there ya have it kids, in still in a weird mood about this
Thats cool that you opened up to him about the situation. Anyway you said he does not like you, but that is not true, he may care about you but not really into you really. I am sure you will find someone else that is much more keen on you than Adam and you will be very happy. Joey is right about the sugestion of joining some gay youth group nearby, or joining some group or club around. Get yourself active and I am sure eventually you will get over him. (*hug*)
I think his "distance is a big issue" and "things might have been different" statements are just things he's saying to make you feel better. The crux seems to be that he sees you as a friend, not a romantic prospect. So I wouldn't spend any more time wondering about how it "isn't clear." Most people have a really hard time just saying, "I'm not into you that way" without trying to soft-peddle it by dreaming up some external reasons for why it wouldn't work out. Anyway, I'm really sorry he doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him. That situation is definitely not a fun one to have to face.
This guy has obviously nvr heard of insult to injury. Dude I'm proud of u I don't think that I would have had the balls to go throw that ordeal. I can't imagine what it feels like to be in ur shoes bu tit sure feels like my heart just got broken too. Bu to be honest this hapens to the best of us. He obviously never considered ur feelings in this while this or he would have never said those things he had. It was brave of u to wish him luck with convience, way to take the high road. My best advice is to give urself time to get over him being friends is a bad idea at least for now it's only going to hurt u more. I think that's just a way of bein hopeful and it's only goin to eat u up inside. Get over him, move on and for all our sakes don't go tongue movies with him it's obvious he doesn't care about ur interest. This next one a cliche but u will find somebody else out there somewhere to hold on to that hope and move forward with ur life. If I can't have a long distance love relationship with u it's not a friendship he's going to want.
