We called 9-1-1 on my mom.

My mom is prone to extreme, irrational mood swings. The day before yesterday we were all laughing and talking as a normal family, but then yesterday she completely flew off the handle over a tiny little thing. And she wouldn't calm down. She spent most of the day screaming at everyone for no reason and even threatened to destroy the house.

Now, see, I'm used to this. For a while now my dad and I have thought she has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), but she's never been treated for it because she's so stubborn that she can't possibly concieve that there's something wrong with her mind. She takes medication for regular depression, but it's clearly not working.

Okay, back to yesterday. She was really upset and screaming at my dad and my brother even though they didn't deserve it, and she was trying to act all sweet to me, almost like she was acting like we were the "victims" to my horrible dad and brother. But I couldn't take it and I broke down crying and started standing up to her. And I never stand up to anyone. All of a sudden she turned on me, saying, "If you're supporting them, then I guess you can all move out and leave me here."

So I kind of apologized and told her I loved her and would always love her, even if I didn't agree with her behavior. That's when she started acting depressed and said, "Well, when I die, you're all going to feel really bad for abusing me."

That comment spooked me a little, so I said, "What are you talking about? You're not dying."

And she said, "Oh, I'm going to die. None of you will know when, though. But I'm gonna die."

I was getting really worried at that point, so I said, "Mom, please tell me. What's going on? What did you do?"

She replied, "You really think I'd tell you that? If I told you, you'd try and stop me. No, I can't have you getting in the way of that. All I can tell you is that I'm going to die and nobody will know when or how." She gave me a creepy, uncharacteristic smile and added, "Just like Michael Jackson."

I begged and pleaded with her to tell me what she did/was planning to do, but she wouldn't. It terrified me. She's done crazy stuff before, but she's NEVER threatened to kill herself in front of me. She's said she wished she was dead while crying or while she's really depressed before, but she's never actually said she was going to do it. Especially not with such a creepy, serial-killer like tone. It scared the hell out of me.

So I ran to tell my dad. My dad got worried too and tried to ask her what she was doing, saying he might have to call an ambulance if she was threatening to hurt herself. "Oh, it's not a threat. I'm stating a fact," my mom replied.

As soon as she left the room I said, "We have to call 9-1-1."

We've been thinking of doing this for several years after all of her irrational behavior. But we knew that my mom, stubborn as she is, wouldn't go through with this easily and probably would never forgive us for such a thing. But we all realized that we had no choice. We had to.

The 45-minute wait for the police to show up was excruciatingly painful. I spent most of it sobbing and trying to get ahold of myself. Once they got here my mom saw them and said, "Oh, he's dead. He's dead." (My dad, by the way.)

The officers came in to talk to her, trying to calm her down. She got really angry and started screaming at them, and they realized by what she was saying that they needed to get her to a hospital. She refused to go willingly and wouldn't even put on clothes (all she had on was a tiny nightgown). So they had to handcuff her and escort her to the police car to take her to the hospital. The whole time they reassured my brother and me, saying, "It's okay. It'll be okay. We're not arresting her. This is not an arrest situation. She just needs to be checked out at the hospital." But of course my mom was convinced she was going to jail and screamed and fought the entire time. On the way out the door she kept screaming for an attorney, telling my dad that they were over, that there was going to be a divorce as soon as this was over. Then my dad, brother and I had to write statements (which, for the record, is a much more exciting concept on TV).

Then they left to take my mom to the hospital. For a while I still couldn't stop crying. I think I've run out of tears now, but I still feel the same pain. I don't know if she'll ever forgive us for doing this. I don't understand much of what's going on in her head, but I do know that she feels like we've betrayed her. And even though I keep telling myself we had no choice, that it was a matter of hurting herself, I still can't shake the feeling that we turned on her. That she's going to hate us for the rest of our lives.

I just want MY mom back. The one who's really sweet and laughs and doesn't drink half her weight in alcohol every day. I know she's in there somewhere. I just don't know if I'll ever see her again.

Any words of comfort would be unbelievably helpful right now. I don't know what to do. We're going to see her (and maybe take her home) from the hospital today, but I know she won't want to see us. I'm shaking just thinking about it.

 

An update:

Well, it didn't go exactly as planned. They took her to the hospital and apparently because of what they've been told (by her and by us), they decided they needed to move her to the behavioral health ward in another local hospital. Apparently she has to stay there for a minimum of five days.

Most of yesterday...was torture. When we first went to see her in the first hospital she, predictably, hated us. She wouldn't stop crying and said that we'd ruined her life because the state had involuntarily committed her, that she'd never get a job again with this kind of record, that she felt like she was in jail. She wouldn't even let us touch her. We told her the truth--that we all loved her, that the fact that we loved her was the only reason we did this, and that we just wanted to help her. But she didn't listen.

I did a lot of crying yesterday. At first I felt like she would never forgive us, and tried to get myself used to the idea that that might be the future--one without her as a mom. The thought was incredibly unbearable. Nothing--physically or mentally--has ever hurt me more than that thought does. After we first went to see her, I found myself almost feeling like she had died--like I would never see her laugh or smile again, like she would never be there to drive my brother and me to school or go coupon shopping or watch Food Network or play with our cats ever again. For hours I couldn't stop crying.

Once they took her to the mental health clinic, though, she seemed to be adjusting better. She had access to a phone there, and she called my dad four times just yesterday afternoon. At first she was furious and upset, but as the day progressed she started getting calmer, and it's almost starting to seem like she misses us as much as we miss her. She's still unbelievably angry and disappointed, but I'm starting to feel like she's realizing that we didn't do this because we were trying to make her miserable. She even said she was going to try to get some help out of the treatment they're giving her there (like group therapy, meetings with psychiatrists, etc). My grandmother (her mom) and aunt (her sister) know what's going on, too, and they've been incredibly supportive to us.

I'm starting to get little beams of hope that this might end okay; that she might forgive us one day and that things might go back to normal. But I don't know. The fact that she seems to be making slow progress now could reverse itself in less than a day and she could snap back to hating us. And part of me hates the fact that I'm letting myself be so optimistic. But I guess I can only take it one day at a time, right?