Okay, this friend of mine is getting out of hand, and it's mostly my fault. "Michelle" and I have been friends since I began college last year. I was a freshman, she was a junior. I met her after an LGBT meeting where I admitted jokingly (but truthfully) that I didn't have any friends yet. She promptly invited me to have lunch with her and her friends the next day. We hit it off, it seemed, and became friends. However, over time I find myself feeling stressed out or nervous when I hang out with her. Her are some examples. -First, she has a merciless sense of humor. She makes jokes at my expense, some of which actually hurt, but I usually don't admit that I have a problem. If I speak up, she assures me she's joking, which she is, but I just don't have the same sense of humor. After SF Pride when we were loading the car, I asked if they needed any help, and she was the one who said, "Just because you're a white male, you think you can do anything!". That really bothered me, but I didn't say anything. -Second, she's "needy", as she calls it. Dependent, really. We told each other our deep secrets after her best friend for life, another gay guy, went abroad for a semester. Like I said, I don't have any other close friends, so it became routine for me to hang out with her and eat lunch with her every day. The problem with this is, I don't get to hang out with other people or make other friends when I'm with her. And when I want to be alone and she wants to hang out, I hang out with her despite the fact that I want to be alone. This took a bad turn once when a girl referred to us as a couple. I felt like I was losing my own identity and people were defining me through her. I tried to tell her how I felt, but it translated more like "I don't want to be seen with you". She confronted me later in the day, in tears, and I felt really guilty and apologized and said I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that, but I meant something and I don't think what I meant got through. -Third, she's controlling. I feel like I can't stand up for myself around her. At SF Pride, we all had matching shirts and she told me to wear mine. I said I'd put mine on before we left, but she kept teasing me, saying loudly "he STILL hasn't put on his Pride shirt like I told him!" On another Pride night, she was really drunk, I had had two shots, and she kept talking to me, not letting me sit down or go to sleep. She got mad when I went to sleep without continuing to talk to her. At three in the morning. Once we planned (weeks in advance) to go clubbing, and at the last second I didn't want to go. It was the night before Pride Week and I was stressed out with all the planning and activities, and dancing and staying up late is not relaxing for me as it is for everyone else. I tried to back out, but she just stomped off, wouldn't talk to me until I said I'd go again. It was like I flipped a switch and she was happy and nice again. I felt so wrong inside: I cried in the back seat of the car when they went inside a grocery store, and at the club I couldn't handle the pressure and all the people and I just hid in the bathroom and cried some more. A girl came in and I told her I was sick and she took me home. "Michelle" came back with me, and I told her I was sorry for being sick, and she said it was okay, because everyone saw her dance and wear her nice dress. Fourth, she's emotionally manipulative. If I make her upset, I feel awful. and she cries or gets worried really easily. Examples: ---We went clubbing once, she was drunk, she grabbed my shoulders where I DON'T like to be touched at all, and all I did was shrug her away and she started crying. I had to assure her that I loved her and we were still friends. ---If I don't answer her texts right away, she starts freaking out. ---Right before I began this post, I was checking my email when she started gmail-chatting with me. I didn't want to talk to her, but I responded with noncommittal responses. She asked out of the blue, "Are you mad at me?" I ignored the questions and said something else. She wrote, "It sounds like you're avoiding the question." I paused a long time, because if I told the truth I would make her upset. She interrupted the pause with, "Okay, now I'm scared." So I lied and said I was not mad at her. That pretty much sums up my problem right there. I feel I can't be honest with her because she would freak out. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.:help: I want to tell her how I feel. I don't want to be as close to her as I am. I want to make more friends, and be myself, and not be made fun of, and have alone time, and not upset her. I don't want her around anymore because it just stresses me out and I feel that I can't be honest with her or myself and as a result I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. THE PROBLEM: We're in practically all the same clubs this upcoming semester. We're both taking a Hip Hop dance class. We're both doing the Laramie Project, and there's only eight people in that production. We're both RAs. We're both in the GSA, and we're both in another club together. If I made her upset, I would have to face her every day whether she likes me or not. I don't think I can handle the stress of her being upset at me. But I don't think I can go on remaining silent about how I feel. I just feel sick. :tears:
I'm sorry about your problem, Marky. Let's just start off on a good note by me saying I think you're completely adorable. But when it comes to a relationship like this, you need to be firm with whatever you feel. If you think you shouldn't be friends with her anymore, you should enforce that. It sounds as though you're in an abusive relationship. Cliche [when does caring become controlling] type thing, but in a more platonic fashion. I don't think you should be getting deeper into a relationship with a person you don't want even around you. I used to have similar problems because I was in a small school; everyone knew each other. You saw everyone every day, but I think all it really takes is you standing up for yourself. Set boundaries, and hopefully she won't cross them. Just don't allow yourself to be hurt by her; because a friendship should feel like you're solely straining to keep them happy. Understood there are ups and downs in every relationship, but when it's a constant down, I think all you really need is space. Don't let anyone clip your wings.
I've had friends like that...maybe not as extreme, but I understand. Your friend sounds like she's claimed you as her property. You need to keep her in check, and it's not going to be pretty. I say, when she's being completely horrible to you, tell her, ignore her, whatever you like. Just stand your ground.. and if she gets mad, I'd just leave (you have better things to do than take her sh*t)... when she calms down, then you can talk about like adults. if she cries, let her... it is the only way she will learn that she can't manipulate her with that... the moment you give in, it's all the more reason for her to use that trick the next time... I'm sure she's a good friend, and a cool girl.. but from what I've read, she seems like a big baby, and big babies are quick to pick up on what works and what doesn't... whether you realize it or not, you have complete control over that. People will treat you the way that you let them treat you. She's not likely to drop you as a friend if all you're doing is asking for a little respect. And if she does, consider yourself lucky.... might be hard at first, but you will find new friends, and they will be better.
You know when plants get infected, so they can survive they will kill of infected parts. I once had a friend who was bringing me down and just really annoying me so I just cut him out of my life. This may be something you will have to consider doing. I must also add that for me it was definately the best decision and I have been so much better for it.
I'm so low on time but let me tell you something: I HATE bitches like that. Those are the absolute WORST ones you can find. (I just got rid of one, or so I thought :dry: that was just like that) Get away from her, for your safety, sanity, stability and peace of fuckin' mind.
I think you should at least try to talk to her about it. It sounds like you already have, but try to be more direct and forceful with her. Tell her she's cool and all, but you have other things going on or something. If that doesn't work then just stop talking to her, she'll get the idea after a while.
Dont feel bad when she cries. I have a feeling she is used to doing that to get her way. Next time she cries hold yourself back and giver her the :eusa_booh because you know what she is trying to do. YOU are letting her walk all over you, enough is enough. Your not happy but she is...F:***: that. Stand up for yourself. No wonder her friend left abroad and with an attitude like that I wouldnt be surprised if she is used to being ignored. GL
That chick is clingy! I have the same problem! My friend Joelle is really sweet but honestly she is so annoying! But she was the first friend i ever made in middle school so it's not like i can just dump her and not ever talk to her again or anything. One day at our lunch table i was talking to Abby and Joelle sat down with 6 different snack foods on her tray. Then she said all dramaticly that she had no money left in her account to get food tomorrow. And without thinking i just said, "If you didn't eat as much as a cow then you'd have money!" Everyone stared at me and as soon as i finshed the sentence i realized what i said. Opps!! Now i wouldn't recomend insulting her like i did (even though i didn't mean to!) but maybe you tell her how you feel. Even though it may hurt a little she has to know how you feel. And if she gets worked up just use the 'Friends Card'. Tell her that a true friend is supposed to tell the truth which is true. Everything else is up to you! Good luck and heres hoping it goes well.
Okay, I just emailed her. I'm kind of scared to get her reaction, but I'm relieved to tell the truth. It's like a whole other kind of coming out. Below is a copy of the email. The brackets are changes I made for this post to maintain anonymity. Her "best friend" is the gay guy who left for Italy. Thanks for all the posts guys, it made me feel validated for having the feelings I did. Pray or wish me luck that everything changes for the better. :eusa_sick
Good luck. I think your letter is just right; not too forceful, but stern enough to tell her your serious. Be sure and let us know how it goes. I've got my fingers crossed for you.
Well, she sent me a response email. She said she was going to apologize but decided she shouldn't have to because I've never explicitly said how I've felt in the past, and so it is much my fault for not speaking up sooner. She's right, I am very non-confrontational. Her boyfriend broke up with her almost exactly a year ago by email, so my email reminded her of that, even though we're not really "breaking up". My email made her cry though, and I feel both guilty and afraid to talk to her, although I felt like that before anyway. She agreed that our relationship should be healthier, and depending on how angry I am at her response she looks forward to being my friend or acquaintance next year. I feel really tired now.:icon_redf
Stay strong Markie. It's good to be non-confrontational, but you need to find middle ground when it comes to being assertive. You shouldn't feel guilty or drained when you're just trying to protect yourself. Good job on this one though. ♥
Well, congratulations for doing this. It was definitely the best thing. I tihnk there's potential for you guys to be good friends, if of course you both still wants to. Hopefully things will settle down for the best soon.
First of all, great letter. :eusa_clap 2nd... False. :eusa_naug You just wrote a letter saying her actions hurt you... the fact that these actions happened in the past is completely irrelevant, and the fact that you didn't speak up sooner is no excuse for her to cancel out those actions... She should have apologized. But at least you've made progress. Hope it works out for you.
I have to be honest, and say that while she may have done hurtful things to me, I wasn't prepared to handle a close friendship in the first place. All my friends from high school were more like acquaintances, and so I never really had to deal with peer pressure or had to learn who I was because no one seemed that interested in knowing "me" either. Even being gay was a part of me that I didn't let myself know, truly. The day I met "Michelle" was the first day I actually admitted I was gay, and I was in no position to start a friendship. I wish someone had recognized that, if not me or her. I wrote back. Below is my reply, and I hope that she can understand my personal needs. I'm glad I finally did... I was reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens before creating my response. I feel better because I feel like I'm holding myself more responsible for my own actions. And if she persists in blaming me for not automatically knowing how to have close friendships without any experience, then I can avoid feeling like it's my fault that she doesn't forgive me. Also, I want to thank all of you guys/girls again for listening in. It's been hard dealing with this because I can't exactly talk to my parents about this completely, what with the part where I snuck off to Gay Pride and the fact that we weren't boyfriend-girlfriend to begin with. And talking to my friend was the problem itself. I'm really grateful for all your support and concern, because I finally feel like I'm being honest with people! (*hug*)(&&&)(*hug*):smilewave
