1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I am almost ready to come out but...stupid career move?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BenjaminNason, Jul 8, 2009.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. BenjaminNason

    BenjaminNason Guest

    I am heading off to college in a month or so, and it feels ALMOST the right time to come clean. Well, im getting there at least. I have told 4 friends, 3 of them in the last two days. I feel really empowered, ready to tell more (not quite everyone...im not superman) and the people i have told are very accepting. However, there are a couple drawbacks.
    1) although my immedite family is very open minded, im not so sure about my (absolutely huge) extended family, who once called my great aunt an "embarrassment to the Nason family name" and im not ready emotionally to suffer such a loss.
    2) Im pretty sure this guy i fell in love with earlier this year would stop talking to me, and above everyone else i know in my life, would be the absolute hardest to get over
    and 3) I want to become an actor. I know what a lofty goal this is, and itll be hard enough being a tiny straight boy, but a bisexual one? This country is barely ready for a black president, let alone a gay one. Hollywood is full of closet cases, and those that have come out didnt do so until after their careers skyrocketed. Anywho, this feeling to come out to everyone i know is great, and im not sure how long this super feeling will last. But if everyone knows, itll be just that much harder to break it as an actor, correct? I just dont konw what to do, and i just wish that life wasnt so difficult. :eusa_doh:
     
    #1 BenjaminNason, Jul 8, 2009
  2. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,559
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, Benjamin, and welcome to Empty Closets!

    It's clear you've thought things through a bit. Here are my thoughts.

    -- I don't know about the dynamics of your family, but I would think that times might have changed enough that your extended family would look at you and make their evaluation on more than just whom your attracted to. Of course, if you're talking about religious fundies, then that could be different.

    -- It isn't clear why the guy you fell in love with would disown you for coming out. Is he closeted? If so, I'd recommend talking to him and having a heart-to-heart, because in the longer term, you're going to want to continue coming out, and if he is against it (either for you or for himself) then it's going to be harder and harder on your relationship. On the other hand, if he's willing to look at coming out, but not ready to do so, that's perhaps something you can work with him on.

    -- I wouldn't worry terribly about being gay and being an actor. That stigma is lessening daily, and there are plenty of actors who are quite out in their personal lives when the cameras aren't around, but not publicly. And there seems to be a longstanding deal with the media where they generally sort of look the other way about gay actors much of the time. I mean, you don't hear of actors being outed, and God knows there are ones that *everyone* knows, but still aren't public about it (Elijah Wood comes to mind) but who can still publicly dodge the issue. Hell, look at Adam Lambert; everyone knew he was a poofter from day 1, and he'd been out in Hollywood for years before Idol, but it was still national news when he formally announced it in Rolling Stone. And I think that might end up being one of those major moments -- such as when Ellen came out in her sitcom in 1996 -- that will signal a pretty significant change in attitude.

    The last thing is, I think that once you've started coming out, as you have, you'll end up being miserable if you try to shove yourself back into the closet. Once you've experienced that openness, it's nearly impossible to go back to being who you were before. So I'd say go ahead and be yourself, and when you get the national break, you can always be vague and evasive until you're ready to actually come out :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Chip, Jul 8, 2009
  3. The Enigma

    The Enigma Guest

    Grats on heading off to college! :thumbsup: What's your major going to be? It's good that you're on a roll. I did the same thing (get on a roll) before coming out to my mom. :slight_smile: It truly is empowering because for once in your life, you don't feel you need to hide who you are and you don't need to hide away in the closet, so to speak. It's nice to feel comfortable, at least to some extent, in your skin finally, isn't it? (*hug*)

    Do you actually care about them? What they think? Do you really see them more than once every few years? If not, then why care? :lol: You don't want to change just to please someone you'll rarely ever see, right? :slight_smile: Was your great aunt heteroflexible? Losses like that are not uncommon, but really, you should be prepared to experience some draw backs to an extent. It's rare that by coming out that no one is opposed. Don't worry too much about this one. If they do, they do--if not, then even better. What's going to happen is going to happen and you'll just have to deal with it as it comes your way. But don't hold yourself back just because you're afraid. :slight_smile:

    You can do it.
    (God, I sound like a :***: self help book lol. I don't normally sound this cheery.)

    Is he straight or is he gay? A friend, or a lover? Sounds like a straight crush--I get those bad too. :dry:

    God speed on that.
    The problem with being out as an actor is that you'll get type-cast'd.

    And it'd suck to be that stereotypical gay guy in every movie. And there's not a high demand for gay characters. Look at Lucy Lui for example. I think she's a great actor but she rarely gets a job because strong female Asian leads are not often called for, sadly.
     
    #3 The Enigma, Jul 8, 2009
  4. seadog

    seadog
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2009
    Messages:
    444
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Washington
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi ben, and welcome. Manzanita is a great place. I go there about once a year. Dont worry about career. Just be you.
     
    #4 seadog, Jul 8, 2009
  5. Lexington

    Lexington
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    >>>1) although my immedite family is very open minded, im not so sure about my (absolutely huge) extended family, who once called my great aunt an "embarrassment to the Nason family name" and im not ready emotionally to suffer such a loss.

    If your parents don't want to tell anyone beyond the immediate family, that's fine. As it happens, I've got a huge extended family in Wisconsin, but since I don't really deal with them much, I really didn't care if they knew or not. Maybe they think I'm dragging the name down. But since there are major drug convictions, extended jail time, and adultery in their branch (amidst, I hasten to add, a lot of really nice and really cool people), I'm not thinking my homo-ness is the blackest mark on that name. :slight_smile:

    I've found that the further you are away from people - both physically and emotionally - the more likely they are to be dismissive or think it's a problem. If they KNOW you, really KNOW you, they're a lot more likely to be accepting and supportive. So it'll depend on what kind of relationship they have with you.

    >>>Im pretty sure this guy i fell in love with earlier this year would stop talking to me, and above everyone else i know in my life, would be the absolute hardest to get over

    That'll all depend, I guess. If you go away to college, your interaction will be somewhat curtailed anyway. (You'll make new friends in college, and they WILL take more of your time and energy, leaving less for old friends.) But if he's really a friend, he'll consider you above any preheld beliefs. Friends are supposed to be able to share things, after all, and if he can't handle the simple fact of "I like guys", then he's not much of a friend to begin with.

    >>>I want to become an actor. I know what a lofty goal this is, and itll be hard enough being a tiny straight boy, but a bisexual one?

    A gay actor? What's this world coming to? :slight_smile: Look, even back in the 50s, people in the industry knew who was gay. They didn't put it in the press releases, of course, and they didn't disclose it to the public. But they knew, and they worked around it. And if you start making it in show business, you'll just have to have a word with your manager about when the best time to come out to the world-at-large would be. Because actors are doing it all the time now, and it's becoming less and less a big deal. If you're a great actor, and you're right for the part, they'll hire you. They won't care if you're going home to a guy or a girl. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #5 Lexington, Jul 8, 2009
  6. BenjaminNason

    BenjaminNason Guest

    nah, my family isnt that religious...they are mainly just big time doctors or lawyers, you know, that breed of people. Kind of snooty, upper class pricks...but its my family and i love em all. I guess that part is more paranioa than anything...ive done ALOT of thinking about this, and im a real lovable guy! I love people to love me, and if i can help it, i dont want people to dislike me, and theres obvoiusly big time anti-homo's out there. This portion of my problem is mainly my dignity i guess..lol not a big problem. Nad no, i do not see them that often...about 80 percent of my family lives on the east coast, so at most i see them once a year.

    Oh no, he isnt gay. I fell in love with a straight guy, its true. In fact, we grew real close this past year, had a lot of good times and laughs, and im worried that all of that will change once he finds out the truth. Like i said before, Out of everyone i know, his relationship would be the one that would make me the most depressed to lose.
    Then again, he highly dislikes everyone else on our speech team, so next year i dont think he will really have a choice to not hang out with me...hahaha. its so true though.

    Oh, and also, like i said above, i hate people disliking me, and its not necesarily the people i know that im worried about accepting me, its the people i dont know yet. If that makes sense...because we, as human beings, are incredibly judgemental, and there are people out there who will hate me before they get to know me (well, obviously) and the thought of that sickens me. ugh

    and the main worry...the acting...thank you guys. i was beyond horrified that i could never achieve my dreams due to a trivial reason like being bisexual. but now that i have had to really think about it, and your answers, it almost seems ludicrous (not sure if thats the right word to use here...hmm) that i would ask such a stupid question..ha. And its true...when its the right time to announce it, itll probably double my fame at the time...
    and enigma, i love lucy liu haha. she was like...my first celebrity crush. ANd yes, i thought about always being typecast, but i think i can get rid of that problem since i dont really act like the gay stereotype...idk we'll see


    Im going to portlan state and im majoring in theater arts :grin: i can not wait to move in soon, my orientation is tuesday. :grin::grin::grin:

    and seadog...have you ever eaten at marzanos, or the terra cotta cafe? Both GREAT plcaes, i should know, i work there. oh and my mom owns Overboard...in case your interested.
    Thanks everyone. (&&&)
     
    #6 BenjaminNason, Jul 8, 2009
  7. Lexington

    Lexington
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    ..and if you were REALLY worried about whether being gay would hurt your acting career, would you sign up to a gay forum under (presumably) real name and ask? :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #7 Lexington, Jul 8, 2009
  8. seadog

    seadog
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2009
    Messages:
    444
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Washington
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Have you watched Luke's Story and Luke and Noah on YouTube? Is part of the soap As The World Turns. Luke's Story is about him coming to grips with his gayness. Then he meets a guy, Noah, he falls for. Eventually determines Noah is open to being gay, then in denial, then .. .. .. you'll have to watch. Its fun and reminds me of where you are with this guy.
     
    #8 seadog, Jul 8, 2009
  9. Jim1454

    Jim1454
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Hi there, and welcome to EC!

    I would say that you'll be most successful at whatever you do if you're feeling good about yourself and you're happy with your situation. Keeping secrets, pretending to be something you're not, denying yourself things that you want - won't keep you feeling good.
     
    #9 Jim1454, Jul 8, 2009
  10. BenjaminNason

    BenjaminNason Guest

    LOL omg :roflmao:
    i guess your right lex. Maybe my subconcious was working overtime, because i guess somewhere i knew it was never a big deal? if that made sense

    hmmm no i havent...ive watched something called Todd tho...british soap opera...first soap i ever watched. ill look it up. I sure hope hes in denial, wouldnt that be a great twist...?
    so...the funny thing is...there have only been 3 guys ive ever had a crush on, and i remember almost praying that if any of the three were gay, id never ask for anything again..lol. And guess what? one might be and the other one is...hes coming over next week for some fun. hahaha
     
    #10 BenjaminNason, Jul 8, 2009
  11. Jace

    Jace
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2008
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    texaass
    gay guy in hollywood
    serrioussly no big deal
    i dont think.

    i mean have you been to LA>?
     
    #11 Jace, Jul 8, 2009
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)