Hey everyone, Errr, um, hi. This is my first post, so please bear with me. I'm sorry it's long and badly written. I also apologize if I offend anyone here with the content of this post. My dad isn't exactly a shining beacon of tolerance and understanding and love, and I think I'm still working through a bunch of repressed homophobia myself. If I offend anyone here with my running commentary or my father's sentiments, I'm sorry. Alright, so, let me explain. I'm living at home with my family (parents and brother), none of whom know I'm bisexual. While I have a full-time job, I don't yet make enough money to afford living in the area where my job happens to be. So, for the time being, I'm sort of stuck with them. I've been thinking of coming out to them for years (well, basically since I came out to myself during my sophmore year of college), but I've never been able to bring up the courage to do so. My fear of rejection has always won out. But now, I'm starting to get pissed...and wondering if I should do something about it. The problem is my father, who has been making homophobic and hateful comments pretty much on a weekly basis now. I don't know quite where or when he started doing this---while I knew he sort of disapproved of it, he never really said much of anything before---but now, not only will he say something every time gay marriage comes up on TV during dinner, but he'll randomly declare some guy is a "faggot" and then rant about how gay marriage is wrong, or how "the Rainbow people" are winning a culture war that they shouldn't be because they're 2% of the population or some such bullshit. I'm not sure where this seemingly sudden vehemence came from, but it seems to be sticking around, and the fact that even my brother, who is largely an intolerant asshole himself, will stand up for gay marriage and tell my dad he's being an intolerant dick in general, doesn't seem to have any impact. I've gone through various stages in dealing with these comments. Originally, I spoke out against every one of them, to little or no effect. Later, I tried to just ignore them. Now either they sort of make me feel numb and sad, or they really, really piss me off and I'm extremely tempted to come out to him just to shut him up for a bit. But that would be wrong, wouldn't it? Everything I've read says never to come out in anger and not use orientation as a weapon, but...it can be hard to listen to this shit. I just sort of want to scream in his face that I'm gay, but I don't and I shouldn't but I don't really know what else to do. The other thing that makes this all kind of more odd and tension-filled is that for a month or so, I thought my dad was "fishing," kind of, in an attempt to get me to say something about my orientation. One time he told me that he thought that the reason my best friend in high school had tried to get me to go to college in California with her was because she was secretly in love with me. I froze. While that friendship was much more complicated than that, there were definitely homosexual overtones there on both sides. She even propositioned me once, in complete seriousness. I turned her down at the time, but it still could have happened--and in a lot of ways we were essentially a couple for a while, minus the physical intimacy. I sort of froze up and had a mild panic attack and said something inane and he noticed the pause and sort of looked at me oddly and I sort of freaked out a bit...and then I switched topics and the conversation moved on. Another time he asked me, when he was in a more jovial mood, if I'd ever marry a woman, and I didn't stop to think and said "I don't know," which was an honest answer (not sure I'm up for marriage, regardless of who it's to). He then jokingly asked me if I would marry one of my co-workers who's been bothering me a lot, and I said "hah, no," and we laughed and the moment passed. Other times he's outright asked me if I was gay, but he's always sort of played these off like jokes, and I never really answer him. Originally, when I was still really afraid, I'd say no, or laugh with him, or whatever...and now I've degenerated into stony silence and glaring, which I don't think helps the situation at all and possibly even gives me away (though, being as angry as I've been lately, I don't think I care as much anymore). It's wierd, though---whenever he's "fished" at me, he's seemed playful and non-threatening and almost welcoming...but then he'll rant about gay marriage and "faggots" and all sorts of hateful crap and in the end I have no idea what he really belives. My dad is also the kind of guy who likes to bait people just for fun, though, so who knows if this is just some sort of grand scheme to aggrivate us all for his personal entertainment (though that's probably the paranoia talking on my part). I feel bad about being mad at him, too. As much of an intolerant dick that he's proved himself to be, he's still my dad, and he can be kind and considerate and caring. He's not a total asshole. But this stuff just makes me so angry. Not only is he insulting my friends, but he's insulting me and a whole host of people he hasn't even taken the time to know. So I'm wondering: have any of you faced a similar situation with a parent, and if so, what've you done about it? Anyone have any advice? I'd appreciate anything, really. I feel like a total coward for not telling my parents, but at the same time, with comments like these every fucking week, I don't really know if it'll be ok to tell them while I'm still living here... Thanks so much for letting me post here and listening to my ranting. I appreciate it .
Hey, there. Welcome to the EC community. And far from badly written, I think you've communicated your thoughts clearly and succinctly. I'm sure you'll get some more responses soon, but here's mine. He knows. And he's trying to come to terms with it. I would wager that the turn in the homophobic comments probably started when he figured out (or really started to suspect) that you were lesbian. The feelings he's having may not even be conscious; I mean, he is obviously aware he's saying offensive things about gays and lesbians, but he may not even consciously acknowledge to himself that you're lesbian, and the statements could easily be a form of denial, as well as perhaps testing your reaction. You are right that don't want to come out in anger, but if you are close to ready to come out, I would say do it... just sit down with him, or write a note or a letter, or whatever feels comfortable for you. It's not going to change much; he's already asked you, you've given some ambiguous and non-denial-denial answers, and unless he's totally stupid (or the denial is enormous), he's probably already realized it.
First of all: (*hug*) Calchip might be right. And yet maybe not. It's hard to know for sure. Though I doubt that he would ever have asked you to your face (even jokingly) if he has never thought about it. In my (pretty limited) experience, people never ask if you're gay purely in jest. So yeah, there are odds he has an idea of what's going on... And look at the positive side. His rantings mainly seem to be about culture wars and abstract matters, rather than being about how he would put a gay child of his out of is house. It's a bit strange that he is two-faced about this. But perhaps he will accept you (but still hate society for "making" you gay). I've seen it a lot. People being totally against homosexuality, except for the gays they know, because "those are the exceptions". :rolleyes: In any case, if you do decide to come out, never ever do it in anger. The anger might be a driving factor, but do so in a calm moment, when both of you aren't arguing. Coming out is always emotionally tense, and you really don't want to do it in an already escalating situation. While it may be cathartic, you might end up saying things you really don't want to say. I do find it interesting that your brother is willing to stand up to him. Wouldn't that be a good sign he would be OK with your sexuality too? I mean, he might be a dick in other respects, but he might be worth coming out to as well. He might be a valuable ally!
First off, Welcome to EC. Now then, what Filip and calchip said are very true, however i feel as if because your father is ranting about gays as they come into conversation or as a cultural thing, and we don't quite know the entire context of this *baiting* questions of homosexuality to you, I'd say that his intolerance might be a way of venting his dis requite upon an obvious target. Perhaps it has become the norm for him and maybe your non-reactive responses has given him the idea that you agree with him, so this might be why he jokes about it with you. Having said that, I could be completely wrong. Just take this advice with a grain of salt. . .or a bucket. When you feel like shouting to him that your gay, don't. Maybe if it does become so great, just say it, coldly, maybe as-a-matter-of-fact kinda way. EG: Dad: "I mean, would you marry her honey?" You: "Yes Dad, I would." *walk away* Leaving him in a stunned silence might give him enough time to think of what he has been saying the last few. . .years? months?. . .about gays and the sort. It might change his views. . .I haven't come out myself so, as I said, take this all with a grain of salt. Just by the way, but with 2% of the population gay, or whatever, that would be the equivalent of getting all of Australia's population (or double) and having them all gay. . .as much fun as that might be. . .not to mention our rapid decline in population after a generation. . .ugh. . . just food for thought.
I completly agree with what Filip said above icon_wink) If he doesn' "know", your father probably have doubts about your sexuality. Good thing is, when he talks to you about it, he is no-threatening. I even think the "joking" side of it might be a way to try to make you feel more comfortable with it. From what you said about him ranting about gay marriage, and gay culture, I think your father might be one of these parents who claim that they disagree with "gay lifestyle" but still love their children no matter what. Maybe you can start by coming out to your brother, as you said he is supportive of gay marriage and stand to your father. It would be great to have someone to back you up when you'll decide to come out to your father. Take care, Eleanor
I agree with everyone else.....it sounds like this is his way of coming to terms with the situation in his own head. It also occurs to me that maybe he's angry you haven't been honest with him, and while I doubt he really means those things, they are his way of expressing some anger? Parents don't ever come with a 100% guarantee of calm rational thinking and it could be that at the moment he just doesn't know which way is up. He could also be grieving for the son-in-law and grandchildren etc who now might not arrive....except you haven't said anything concrete to him and so he's dealing with a feeling that something is wrong, but noone's telling him anything. I'm not condoning what he's said by any means, but I can understand why this might be a tough thing for him to be going through. Put yourself in his shoes....say he had cancer, or had made plans to move to another country or was in serious money or legal trouble, and you'd seen signs but he'd never confronted the issue with you. Wouldn't you be feeling anxious and left out and worried? And over time wouldn't those feelings likely turn into anger? I think you need to have a calm, honest talk with him. You know him better than I do, but I can imagine that in lots of parents this would be nothing more tan a sign of how much they were worried.
Thanks for the support and replies, everyone! I don't know for sure, but what Mattblack said rings true to me...he probably suspects there's something I'm not telling him. I'm a horrible liar anyway, and I don't usually keep anything from my parents, so this has been hard for me to lie about/avoid continuously, and has probably been even harder on him. He probably *is* worried about me...now I feel like a dick myself. Ah well. I guess I should come out to him...still not sure how to do that, though, even after all this time. Doreibo, I must confess I've thought of doing exactly that--saying something in an offhand way and sort of letting him figure it out. I can't decide if that'd be cruel or not, however...meh. All the same, thank you all for the support, thoughts, and ideas. Thanks .
Hello and welcome. I'm going to have to go with calchip on this one. He probably either knows or suspects. Don't be freaked about how angry you are, it's natural. In fact it is a good thing. Anger can over ride fear, but remeber: You must be angry at the right time, at the right person, for the right reason. You're angry at your father for saying such hurtful things, but your anger isn't just coming from that, you want to tell him, but you feel you can't. The would drive anyone nuts. (*hug*) Here is a hug. My father wasn't, and isn't, very accepting of gays. I haven't told him yet, and I'm not sure when, or even if, I will.
