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Mental blocks

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mattblack, Jul 11, 2009.

  1. mattblack

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    I know this is going to be a tough question for anyone to answer, but having been bought up in a fairly homophobic society (not badly, but it was the 80's and I've always felt a strong need to be normal) I find it really hard to genuinely test the gay waters and see how I feel. Even going to a gay club and maybe meeting a guy and being open to whatever happened.....I just don't seem able to let myself do that. Even if I make myself watch odd bits of gay porn, I still find my defences go up and I can't genuinely see how I feel.

    Underneath it all I think I find the idea of being gay plain scary and most of that is to do with what other people would think. I know that's a lame kind of excuse for someone my age, but it's my reality. And while it would be nice to give myself as much time as I needed, I'd probably stay stuck for the rest of my life and I feel like my career and social life have got the brakes on until I'm comfortable in my own skin and with other people.

    Has anyone got any tips?
     
  2. Astaroth

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    My best tips should be fairly easy to do.

    First, try to get to know a few real life gay people. You don't have to reveal that you're questioning your own sexuality. But if you happen to hear that someone is gay or know someone who is, try to see what they're like as regular people. Generally, people realize it's not such a big deal once they know someone in real life who is gay. And I'm hoping that it will also allow you to let your barriers drop over time as you get used to them being just any other people.

    Second, don't rely on porn as a way to gauge your sexuality. Porn can be intimidating for some people because it's all beautiful people with incredible stamina (and endowments) ending up in very unusual situations.j You may be able to determine who you are attracted to with porn, but it only shows the sexual side of relationships, not the emotions or love that come with it. You'd be better off finding a good mainstream movie such as Latter Days, Shelter, etc to see a slightly more realistic picture of life as a gay person to see how relationships work (basically just like straight couples).

    Third, knowing your sexuality and living out your sexuality are two different things. You don't have to come out the moment you determine whether or not you're gay/bi/whatever. You can keep it to yourself until you become more comfortable before telling other people. And being gay doesn't mean you'll suddenly become someone else either. You'll just be living the same life you're living now. The only difference is that your partners won't be what is traditionally expected of everyone. But if you read the coming out stories here, you'll find an overwhelming amount of them are positive. Being gay doesn't have the negative connotations that it used to. We are progressing. :icon_wink

    Good luck on finding out who you are!
     
  3. The Enigma

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    Well, the reason you feel scared is because judging from what you've said, you don't really have any experience around other heteroflexible people, least of all men, right? I used to be the same way. I absolutely hated gay guys because I believed all the stereotypes and any that I had seen were nothing but stereotypes. But, if you spend time with them in their natural environment, you'll see they're not just stereotypes. While there is usually some truth to stereotypes, they're not always 100% accurate.

    You also probably feel scared because you're still a tad too homophobic, meaning that you can't feel comfortable in your own skin. And, at your age, you should. You're progressing into middle-adulthood and it would be nice to come home and feel comfortable when you spot something LGBTQ related and not want to hurl your cookies. Have you seen any LGBTQ movies?

    The other portion of fear I'm guessing is coming from peer pressure and societal norms. AKA: "What will they think?" And those types of phobias. Really, it shouldn't matter what people think but it's totally normal to wonder. But don't live to appease someone else; it'll make you lose your identity. Truly, I know it's difficult to hold your head up high as an LGBTQ person, but you really should. There's nothing unnatural, sick, perverted, or wrong with homosexuaulity (not that you said there was, but that's probably something you've got ingrained in you from society) that merits changing.

    And I can easily argue that with scientific fact and Bible scripture if anyone wants to throw that at you.

    The best thing for you, I think, would be to meet some gay people. Go to a gay event or social gathering and meet some people and develop a second opinion of LGBTQ people. If you're alone, you should be able to view porn without hesitation really. :frowning2: That's not a good sign, unfortunately. And doing the things I've recommended is and can be difficult. I realize that. But it's going to be so healthy and beneficial to you.

    Have a fantastic weekend Matt!
    :smilewave
     
  4. Lexington

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    Well, there comes a time when you have to decide whether something is a reason or an excuse. I mean, I understand the whole homophobic 80s thing (having gone to high school in the suburbs of a conservative area...one black kid among the 4000 whites!), but at some point, you're gonna have to simply move outside the comfort area. I certainly wasn't comfortable talking to gay people, or hitting on a guy, or telling people I was gay at first. But there comes a time when you gotta simply grow a pair, y'know? You presumably have moved out of the parents' house, and gotten a job, and are somewhat stable by this point. And, if you're like most people, it was probably scary...and exhilarating. Same thing with coming out. It'll be scary as hell as first chatting with another gay person. Or admitting that you kinda like guys to somebody else. Or hitting on someone. But there's a thrill in addition to the fear. The thrill of moving up and out from your safety spot.

    The thrill of growing up.

    Lex
     
  5. Chip

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    Matt,

    I just had a conversation with someone last night on this issue. I think it's the clash between what you know you feel (an attraction toward men) and the conscious desire to reject that, since you aren't interested in the social difficulties that come along with being gay.

    I don't know if you're familar with the 5 stages of grief, but basically, anytime we experience any sort of serious loss -- whether it's the death of a loved one, or the loss of an important relationship, or, in this case, the loss of identifying ourselves as straight -- we go through a series of stages, denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. It sounds like you're sort of struggling with the bargaining stage right now, wherein you know that it's most likely the case, but you can't yet accept it, so you're "bargaining"... "if I don't watch gay porn, maybe it will go away", or even "I'm afraid that if I do watch gay porn, or go to a gay club, then I'll have to accept it, so maybe I can just not do that."

    It's a challenging process, but I think the other posters have done an excellent job of describing that... and once you really push through the fear, there is a sense of exhilaration that comes from being able to be who you really are.
     
  6. shorty

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    Exact same boat matt. As others have mentioned, I think just finding some gay people to hang with (purely platonic) might be the best way forward. Which in itself can be a bit hard if you don't know any at work or anything. As Chip put pretty well, you also have to make that first push and get through the fear. Its pretty damn hard though, I know, i'm having the same problem myself.
     
  7. mattblack

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    Thanks for the replies guys. You all seem to be giving the same kind of advice, so I'll take that as being correct for my situation.

    Funny how different this whole process can be from person to person though, isn't it? I've heard some stories from guys who identify at an early age and they just grow up knowing that that's who they are and there never seems to be any shame or denial. I can remember chatting to a guy who thought he might be gay, goes out/hooks up with a guy one night, and decides that yes he is gay, and that's all the experimentation he needed and the whole thing seemed to be dealt with over about 2 weeks. And here I am (with others) taking forever to make tiny amounts of progress.
     
  8. Chip

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    Matt,

    One of my friends was completely clueless about his sexual orientation until he was about 18. He didn't acknowledge to himself that he was gay until he was about 23, and didn't come out till he was 29 (even though he pinned everyone's gaydar meters from the time he was 17.)

    For myself, I somehow managed to remain pretty much completely ignorant until my late 20s, and didn't really come out till my early 30s.

    And I know people that haven't accepted it, even for themselves, until much later.

    A lot of it has to do with your own life experiences, the people around you, and all those sort of things. Don't in any way judge yourself, nor push yourself to do it on anyone's timetable except your own. Accepting that you are bisexual or gay is one of the most fundamental changes you can make in your schema of "who you are." You can't expect it's going to happen quickly, so I'd say just... sit back and love yourself for who you are, and let the journey unfold at it's own pace :slight_smile:
     
  9. Lexington

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    I'll second that. I didn't even have an inkling I was gay until I was about 20, and didn't come out until I was 22. Do proceed at your own pace, but I would point out that the sooner you do, the sooner you can play in the pool. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  10. Camman3

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    I don't know how much I have to add to the conversation, since so much knowledge has already been shared, but I have one or two tips for you:

    By admitting that you're gay, you may feel "see-through". By that, I mean people can look at you and say "Oh, he's gay". It may feel like that at first, but it's not likle that at all. In school (and you know how neurotic and paranoid teenagers are) I was scared shitless to stand up to gay bullies, gay bashers and verbal abusers. I have started doing it now, though, but because I'm straight acting they think I am just pro-gay, but not gay myself! It's almost like the perfect way to be seen as gay - by protecting them - and yet people STILL don't pick it up.

    People are not wired to think like that. You may be worried that you will be seen openly as gay, and therefore exposed, but you're actually safer than you think. You mustn't feel like people will be so quick to judge you, because the truth is, there are a lot of nice people out there.

    Another point: When last did you see a gay guy? (answer the question in your head).

    ...

    Now, how did you know he was gay? Was he feminine? "Gay-acting"? Drag? etc...

    OK, now consider that you probably see about at least 20 gay people everyday (maybe more!). As you go about your business, you see people in the street out the window, you approach clerks behind shop counters etc. How do you know they're not gay? They just don't act stereotypically gay, so they don't register as "gay". That's an interesting thought for anyone scared of their sexual thoughts. Think about it :slight_smile:

    I hope I managed to help in someway, or calm and soothe an uneasy mind. Feel free to message me if you're still struggling.
     
    #10 Camman3, Jul 14, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2009