Okay, so once again I've come to the support and advice. I'm still with my boyfriend, Kyle. At first, we were just in a regular ol' relationship. Then some things had led him to want an open relationship (don't let that raise any red flags, the reasons were warranted and nothing but truth). I agreed. He didn't really abuse this relationship whatsoever. At first he'd talked to two different people, but it never got further than just talking. Since then, it's just been us. First and foremost, we're best friends. We spend more or less all of our free time with each other. Which is what I think the root of our problems are. We get along great for the most part. That is, until the past couple of weeks. We bicker constantly and we've had a good 3 fights. But they're so insignificant. The reason we fight, that is; not the fights. I'm not trying to say I'm not hardly responsible for them, but more times than not, he is the one to bug out over stuff. For example, yesterday we literally had a perfect day and we were getting along marvelously. He got out of work early and we went to his parent's house to go swimming/tan. During this time I got a text from my mom saying "Chrissy (my cousin who's getting married tomorrow) wants to know if you're going to be home tonight. She wants to have some drinks with you". I relay that message to Kyle, reminding him that I need to be home by a certain time since he had driven. Then he just spouts off with attitude and silent treatment. Apparently it's the way I said it. Yeah, we fight, but I'm just feeling insecure about the relationship itself. I feel like he's starting these fights to push me away. And more importantly, I feel like he makes it out to be all my fault. Whether or not that's the case, that's how I feel, and that's what's important. We've both exchanged "I love you"s which is pretty big. We're both believers in not throwing that phrase around frivolously and making it another watered down sentiment. So that's what has me thinking "what am I doing wrong".
It looks like he's feeling somehow uncomfortable or constrained in this relationship. And he doesn't like this to be his fault, so he might be trying to convince himself it's you that's acting strange. Might he be feeling that things are getting too serious ande too exclusive too fast? Him wanting an open relationship might be a symptom of that too. Do you have the impression he regrets not having gone further in the "open" part of the open relationship? I think that if you're feeling insecure, it might be best to talk to him honestly about this. And hopefully that will get him to open up about how he's feeling exactly. Alternatively you might want to spend a bit less time with him. Have one day in the week off to socialise with other friends. Perhaps that will make your time together a bit more special, and give you the opportunity to have more fun together, instead of focusing on things that get you into fights. Even if you love each other, ther is such a kind of thing as overexposure...
You don't say how long you've been with him, but it sounds like what I call the "dance of intimacy." Many men have this problem, but my own experience is that it seems like an issue that a signifcant majority of gay men have, probably due to the extra baggage that we get, free of charge, by growing up in a somewhat homophobic culture. Basically, it manifests as a desire to be close and very engaged consciously, while unconscious is less comfortable with that deep level of closeness. When a person who has emotional intimacy issues gets into a relationship, things work out fine for a while, because it isn't that deep and involved. But as the couple gets to know one another better, and start to feel like this relationship is "real" and deep, the fears in the unconscious start coming up... but they almost never directly reach the surface where the conscious mind can understand them. The result is that the person acts out, without any conscious recognition that he's doing it, to push the other person away. Sometimes both parties are doing it, which is even more explosive. And in an odd way, when the couple is fighting, they remain engaged, but at a distance, which feels "safe" for the unconscious. There is an amazing book which I have now recommended a bunch of times, and I will suggest to you. It is seriously the very best book I have read on gay relationships in the past 20 years. It's called "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort. It is pretty dense reading, but if you and your bf read it, I can almost guarantee you'll have some "aha" moments about both yourselves and your relationship. The bottom line is, if you can both talk about the issues and recognize them, you can learn how to work through them. I personally think that every relationship is an opportunity to grow and heal emotionally, and if you both can approach your relationship that way, then there's every potential for it to be a rich and long-lasting one.
im on my cell phone so bear with my grammar. i sincerely appreciate the responses as they were well thought out and took serious consideration toward my predicament. i didnt include a fair amount of intricuicies of our relationship because i didnt want to bore anyone. at first we started off as friends. then we had a falling out.we then reunited weeks later. he was in a long term monogomous relationship at the time. that was ended shortly after we started talk again due to their own issues. a couple weeks after that we started dating. i asked him if he was sure thats what he truly wanted because at that point we'd become best friends. he was sure in his decision. a couple weeks after that he decided he wanted an open relationship. this was apparently due to the fact that not only was it a quick pickup of a relationship and didnt want to get hurt again. also he didnt want to lose me as a friend if he were to cheat. which, in essence he told me was a good possibility at the time. like i said, he'd really only been talking to two men as far as taking advantage of the open part of the relationship is concerned. we will have been together for 5 months coming up in a week. i fully acknowledge that time apart would be more than healthy to the relationship.
I would still be inclined to point to unconscious intimacy issues on his part. That explains the cheating (or desire for an open relationship). The five or six month mark is often sort of a rough spot for relationships, because that's when many relationships move past the first sort of surface level and start to get deeper and closer. Communication is a huge part of making it work. Simply taking time apart (depending on how you define that) won't necessarily make it better; if it *is* an intimacy problem, he's simply likely to go out and be with other people, because the intimacy issue (if that's the cause) is unconscious and he is probably unaware of it. If his previous BF was more aloof or otherwise less open emotionally, that could have been why that relationship worked; often people who are afraid to be really close emotionally will seek out others with the same issues. I'm making a lot of assumptions here which might be dead wrong, but it's the first thing that comes to mind, and in any case, regardless of what's going on, I think having a heart-to-heart where you spend most of your time listening and encouraging him to open up, rather than talking and telling (and then switch things around and have him do the same) might be a really good first step in seeing where things are. For some people this is easy, for others very hard... but it's a great step in *any* relationship that's trying to mature into a longer term one.
We learn to "do" relationships through our families and peer group affiliations. I do not know much about your familial context or that of your peer group or even that of your partners, thus much of my response will educative in nature. As Calchip mentioned there is this great book called "10 Things a Gay Man Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort, which really is a misleading name. The book is less about dating advice as it is about understanding how to develop a sense of self that gives permission for gay men to love. Many of us grow up in a heterosexist society where we are taught that our intimate feelings are wrong, shameful, and abnormal. We therefore internalize such beliefs and unknownlying develop an aversion to relationships. For those of us who are in relationships we struggle because we do not have relationship skills or we did not learn how to "do" same sex relationships. Open communication and being realistic about what the relationship can be, I think is the most you can do. Also, honor you and what you need in a relationship. We are so quick to diminish ourselves in the face of intimacy. As the love guru said intimacy = in to me I see. Intimacy is about being honest, hurt, and challenged. Good luck.
thatll b the day i agree to an open relationship. not to judge u, of course. (open relationships mean that u can have sex with other ppl than the person your dating right? im having the biggest brain fart today)
Yes. It's easier to say open relationship, though, than it is to say "it's complicated". People always feel the need to dig when you say it's complicated.
I say if you want to be with him Talk to him and see what the problem is. However don't change the way you are for anyone. And it is so heterosexual (for lack of a better term,lol) of him to try to turn things around on you. I also agree that you guys should spend less time with each other. And if he wants an open relationship does that mean that you can talk to other people too? If so, live it up. You shouldn't be the one waiting for a call.
ok cool, thanx. but i have to say, i admire your valor for agreeing to that. i could never say yes to a proposition like that. id kill my bf... not like i have one :tears:
It wasn't easy for me, believe that. At first I was hesitant, but I figured as long as he informed me when he was talking to people, I could cope. It made me more confident knowing he could be doing something, rather than be in the dark. But as of late, he's been all mine. "late" being the last 4 months. He says it's "annoying" to talk to other guys . So I'll not press the issue of an exclusive relationship and let it come to that when he's ready. Just like it did the first time when I thought I'd never even so much as kiss him.
wow... lucky u! sometimes when i hear of these open relationships, the ppl involved take full advantage and its like they stop having sex with the person their in a relationship with. i guess u got him pretty good
Hopefully. Things have been going better than marvelous the past couple days. He's also come to terms with the possibility of having a personality disorder of some sort while we were talking about his less-than-normal biological mother..
