1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

what am I going to do?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sam, Jul 18, 2007.

  1. Sam

    Sam
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2006
    Messages:
    1,109
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    I'm sorry I cannot possibly sleep until I get something off my chest. This might be long so if you can just please get through it and maybe offer some advice or something that will make me feel better then I would be really grateful because this has been bothering me for a while now.

    Ok I am going to be going on vacation to Kentucky on the 26th which is not very far away. My grandma (dad's mom) lives there. She doesn't know about me, in fact my entire dad's side of the family doesn't know the only family that does know is my mom's side.

    here is a little background about me so that you might understand my problem.

    Before I came out to anybody I distanced myself from my friends and family because I didn't want them to find out it was like I was leading a double life I hated myself and I hated everybody else I hated who I was for not being able to be honest and I constantly would start fights with my family. I was depressed.

    Now I am a much better person. I am open about my sexuality to my friends and (most) family I like the person I have become well mostly. Heres the situation though, I haven't seen my grandma since coming out to most people (well mom knew before) and I don't want to go back to hiding who I am because I hated that person so much but thats what I'm going to have to do because I have already decided I don't want to tell her because of her reaction to another gay person in my family and I only get to see her once a year and she is getting older and I don't want the last few times I see her to be awkward and full of lectures, I want the time I have left with her to be like it has always been.

    At the same time I don't want to go back to the person I was. part of me is screaming "TELL HER AND DON'T HIDE" and the other part of me is screaming "HIDE, DON'T TELL HER"

    should I go ahead and take my chances and tell her or should I just hide? I am so confused!:bang: :help:
     
  2. Level N Human

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2007
    Messages:
    486
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sorry if I'm misunderstanding, but why can't you be yourself without revealing your orientation? Your sexuality only makes up a part of your identity - I am sure it is not your whole person.

    If you are questioning whether or not you should come out to your grandmother because you might not have a lot of time left with her, being that she would not react well: My opinion is that she doesnt' really need to know about it. There are things we will never know abotu those around us, not because they are hiding them, but because it would be inconsequential so it is never touched upon. What does your relationship with your grandma have to do with your sexuality? If you just want closure, and feel that you need to come out for yourself, by all means do it. Make sure she understands that all the tension caused beforehand is over with and you just wanted her to know because you love her, and just because you are a lesbian doesn't make you any less of a person. I don't know how badly your family's reaction was to the relative that came out, but these are just my thoughts construed from the information you've given. I hope this has opened up some thoughts for you. Best of luck.
     
  3. Sam

    Sam
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2006
    Messages:
    1,109
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    whenever I have a lot on my mind I tend to not make sense when I'm writing. Ok what I'm trying to say is yes its true my sexuality is a tiny part of who I am but the first thing my grandma does when she sees me is drill me about whether or not a have a boyfriend then asks me why I don't have a boyfriend and on top of that she trys to get me a boyfriend. I hate lying to her. I know what it feels like to be open with most of the people I love and I hate not being able to be open with her. At the same time she is the type of person who thinks gay people go to hell. to her a gay person is a big ball of sin walking around. Her reaction to a cousin was that there was this family reunion in which this cousin showed up and she got pissed and screamed "what is that queer doing here!" kind of like she doesn't consider him family anymore.
     
  4. jroakwood

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2007
    Messages:
    619
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Minnesota
    well, personally.
    i dont know if i will ever tell my grandparents either.
    just because they dont understand.
    its not something that people were necessarily open about back in their day, so theyve never really dealt with it and people tend to not like/be afraid of what they dont understand.
    its not something that will make you any less of a person if you dont tell her about it.
    its your choice.
    and as levelnhuman said, our sexual orientation is only a small part of who we are.
    so basically its up to you.
    if it will upset her too much and make things not good between you two during the time that is left, then dont talk about it.

    but if its gonna bother you and its something you need closure about, then go ahead and tell her.
    but from her reaction to your cousin, it would seem that it might be a better idea to not tell her.

    but as ive said, ultimately, its up to you.
    good luck and i hope you do what you feel is right.
     
  5. TeeBe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2007
    Messages:
    273
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Ultimately it is your decision, but if past reactions to gay relatives have been so negative, I'm not sure that I would tell her. Personally, I have pretty much decided not to tell my grandparents. One side is merely uncomfortable and doesn't talk about it, while the otherside- typical bible-thumping Italians. They definately fight to say that all gay people are hell-bound. You might consider telling her if it comes up, but is it really any of her business? I agree with everyone above that being lesbian is only a small part of who you are. Not telling her, if she doesn't ask, isn't hiding who you are; be youreslf certainly! It doesn't have to be "TELL HER AND DON'T HIDE" or "HIDE, DON'T TELL HER." I can't recommend that you hide, but that doesn't mean that you have to tell her.
     
  6. wtinal

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2007
    Messages:
    153
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    For me, it was important to me to disclose so I could be open. My adoptive parents (who are in their early 70's) don't understand and probably won't, but I did feel like I could not be myself. The reason was because the issue of dating, having kids, and where I am attending church all came up in every single conversation. I always have been very open to my parents (except orientation of course), so I just knew I had to tell them. Trying to hide was just not working. BUT, it was MY choice and I had to weigh the benefits and consequences out. For me, the freedom outweighed the consequences (which are that our relationship has hit a superficial level, but time will tell if it stays that way or not). Do what YOU want to do! Honor YOU! The truth is that it is only ourselves that we must live with for the rest of our lives!
     
  7. Sam

    Sam
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2006
    Messages:
    1,109
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    thanks everybody. It really doesn't matter if I tell her or not It's just annoying for her to bug me about guys but I really don't want my relationship with her to suffer and I live over a thousand miles from her so its not like she is a huge part of my life. I do love her and want the last few times I see her to be good and not awkward. I guess I can put up with her nagging about guys and let her think I'm straight unless she asks then I won't lie but I don't see any reason why she would ask.
     
  8. jroakwood

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2007
    Messages:
    619
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Minnesota
    sounds like the best idea to me. =)