Betrayal: Getting past the anger

Before I can get to my problem, first, I need to explain the circumstances.

I was best friends with a girl (X, for future reference) for nearly six years. We were fairly close, knew a lot about one another, considered the other's mother almost as our own, felt a sisterly sort of love, etc., etc. Then, our junior year of high school, she got a boyfriend (her second; will be known as C, for future reference), whom she fell madly in love with. It was an internet relationship, and I had no problem with that (though many others did), and I thought he was a pretty cool and funny guy.

At first, everything was okay. We spent the same amount of time together, talked boyfriend stuff, the usual for us. Then, things started going downhill. C started being a dick to my boyfriend (E). C led E into trap questions (E didn't like X's mother for various reasons, and wasn't always the biggest fan of X), then went and told X what E had said, leading to multiple fights that I had to mitigate.

E started telling me what he thought X and C were doing, and his feelings on how they were treating us. I refused to believe him, saying I couldn't believe that X, at least, would do anything like that to her best friend. E dropped it, after awhile, and was civil with X but stopped talking to C.

Summer came and the relationship between myself, X and E seemed fine. By this point, X and C had met in person twice, and X planned on staying with him for a few weeks over the summer. June went by fine. X came over her usual amount for it being summer. July came, however, and X started giving excuses about not being able to come over when E and I asked. I shrugged it off; E said she was avoiding us. Eventually, in July, X went to stay with her boyfriend for two weeks.

When she came back, she distanced herself from E and I even more physically. We still talked online. Discussed our problems. But she didn't come over.

Come August, it's almost time for picture day. I ask X if she wants to get a locker near E and I for the coming school year. Out of the blue, she says no, that she doesn't want to hang out or be near E anymore, and that we (X and I) can still be friends, but she won't hang out with me unless E isn't present. (At this time, E and I had been dating for nearly two years, and I was living across the street from him. We spend nearly everyday with one another, and living nearby certainly helped that.) I told her that was okay, it was her decision. I never told her I wouldn't hang out with her (just the two of us), because I certainly would, but the conversation ended there.

School comes. X and I have a class together, but she sits elsewhere, with other friends whom I have become distanced from for various reasons. (One because I stole E from her even though we were friends [I don't feel bad about it--she was horrible to him], and the other because after I started sitting at a different lunch table with E, I simply didn't see her much.) After the class, we talk in the hallway, as if nothing is different.

Enter the end of October/beginning of November. Things have been fine between X and I until this point. Then, I find out (through illicit means that need not be discussed here) that C has been talking bad about E and I behind our backs to H (said ex-friend I stole E from). And when I say bad, I mean bad. His words were twisted so far from the truth that what really went on couldn't even be discerned anymore, unless you knew E and I better than H did.

It was very clear that C was gathering "supporters" for himself and X by spreading lies to H, whom would readily believe them.

In a fit of rage, I called X out on it. I tore apart C's message. X told me, in more extreme words, to screw off. I replied again, demanding an explanation. I never got one. The friendship was officially over. X began avoiding me. I acted like she didn't exist. Shortly after the incident, E told me I shouldn't have said anything and just watched to see what happened. I wish I had, but that's not the point.

I was hurt. This was the girl who had been my best friend for almost six years. This was the girl whom I had defended at every turn to my boyfriend and others. And she had proved my boyfriend right. She did everything he said she would, when I claimed she wouldn't do that.

I was enraged beyond all belief. I still am. (More on this in a moment.)

I have formed a theory since the end of our friendship and contact. Her attitude changed after she visited with her boyfriend over the summer. She came back wanting little to do with me or E, after the three of us had been such great friends and gone through all of that fighting. Clearly, C had a stake in this change. Whatever he did/said while she was with him made her "realize" that her best friend and boyfriend were awful people. Me, the best friend who cried as she fought with her boyfriend over fighting with X, doing everything I could to convince him he was wrong about X. E, the guy constantly offering to help X see C without X's mother getting upset.

When X said nothing to the contrary about what C had said, it was more than obvious what had happened.

C is controlling. When X didn't call him immediately while spending time with a friend in Lansing, C freaked out--extreme anger. Wanted to shout at X and raged and raged and raged until E and I finally got a hold of X and told her that C was going crazy.

C was constantly agitated because he couldn't be there to protect X at all times. While this is certainly a legitimate concern, the fact that X can take care of herself and had friends there for her when he couldn't be never appeased him. There was a constant fear of X being raped (by who? We lived in a small town. If it hadn't happened already, it never would.). C couldn't even fathom the thought of someone hitting on X. C didn't want X going to dances because he was afraid of guys coming onto her. (Again, we live in a small town, go to a small school. If someone hadn't hit on her already, no one was going to. Everyone knows everybody--it's not like she would be meeting anyone new.)

Worst of all, C constantly accused E of considering X his "second girlfriend." Of wanting to screw X. Of X being his backup if E and I broke up. It was as if X couldn't have a guy friend without that guy friend being interested in her. (In all actuality, E does not find X attractive at all and never has.)

Here comes the issue I have. It's been over seven months since we stopped being friends and communicating. But I can't get over the situation. The entire thing continues to enrage me beyond belief, and no matter how many people I talk to about the situation, it doesn't make the anger get any better. I've stopped being hurt and decided that, all things considered, I'm better off without her and her drama llama of a boyfriend and their collective issues. But I can't stop feeling intense anger every time I think of the situation.

The only reason I can think of for continuing to feel this way is that I never got an explanation for X's actions (her agreeing with what C had said), and I hate not knowing why. I feel as if the situation remains "unfinished."

I know this has been lengthy, but does anyone have any advice for what I can do to get over this? Do I just need to give it more time? I know I will probably always feel some anger over it, but the fact that it still burns as much as it did the night I found out troubles me.

I've done what I can to help alleviate it. I've discussed the issue with a number of people, and with both E and my mother at length, but it only ever seems to help temporarily before the anger sits and builds back up. I spent most of my senior year mocking X and telling everyone who asked about what happened the horrible thing she did. Yes, the mocking was cruel, but considering my friends never spoke to her either, it never got back to her, and I couldn't have brought myself to care if it had. I wanted her to feel my anger. The mocking helped me forget about how deep she had cut into my heart. And telling everyone who asked what she had done simply proved both my assumption that everyone knew me and E well enough to never believe what C had said, and my theory that X had been "changed" by C (a number of people--a teacher included--told me that X had become a royal bitch that year).

I've thought about having others ask X about what happened between us (to hear X's side), but we no longer have any mutual friends, as X has moved permanently in with C, and had long before this cut off all contact with any mutual friends we did have (our other best friend, A, whom X stopped interacting with shortly after our friendship ended; and M, the girl she was visiting in Lansing the night C freaked out).

Considering I am still on speaking terms with X's mother (she gave me a big hug at graduation and actually looked rather sad that she hadn't seen me in nearly a year), I have thought about contacting her and asking what X may have said about E and I and why X was no longer hanging out with us. I would also like to explain my side of the situation, if X had told her mother any unfavorable things about E and I. However, I'm not really sure whether I should yet, as I am not sure of the best way to contact X's mother, at the moment. (She has a Facebook, but I'm not sure how often she gets online and checks it, or whether she would know how to check her messages.)

I've contacted X mockingly a few times (not in a mean way), and never received any sort of reply, but besides that, I know that I will never receive the answer I desire if I ask her or C, as long as they are still together, so I have never asked either of them since the incident.

I feel very strongly that C is controlling her actions and opinions (she sporadically became an anti-Obama Republican this past year after being very Democratic previously, and I know for a fact that C is on the Republican end of the political spectrum), and I wish I could prove this to her, but I know it will not happen unless they break up. After this, I would never want to be friends with her again, but I would certainly be there for her and talk to her like a civil, decent human being, if she was willing to do the same. And after she apologized to me profusely, of course, for the crap she agreed with even though she knew all of it was a downright lie. :/ I'm forgiving, but not that forgiving.

This is the first time I've gotten this off my chest in awhile, and that feels good, but I still don't know why it weighs so heavily and continues to make me mad. I feel like a bitch for thinking it, but my one hope is that X feels horrible about what she did, because I don't want to be the only one who came out of it with a burden!

Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? I'm more than frustrated by this, even now that school is out and I will likely never see X again nor meet C. I just want an answer and to be able to consider it "over"...

(BTW, even though I'm straight and pretty certain on my sexuality (I like looking at girls, but I don't want to touch one [besides myself, of course!], have sex with one or enter a relationship with one), I've come here to ask for advice because from browsing around, this seems like a very helpful, active and supportive community who could help me out with my problem. )

 

Okay. Yes. I'm sure some things I mentioned about myself don't put me in a great light.

"Stole" may not be the best word, though that's certainly one that could be used. H treated E like he was a trophy--she never wanted to go out and do anything with him, she just wanted to say she was in a relationship. So when E and I started talking more, and he told me he was considering breaking up with her and what I thought about it all, I told him he should. And after a little more time had passed, I told him I was interested in him, and shortly thereafter they broke up, and we started dating. I say that "I don't feel bad" that I "stole" (again, bad word choice, I realize) him from her, because it's the truth. You're right--I get what I want. She didn't deserve him, considering how she treated him, and the relationship would have ended eventually whether I gave my opinion and told E how I felt or not.

I won't deny that the "illicit means" is bad and wrong of me--but is it better for me to have gone around not knowing that a girl I still considered a friend was collaborating on lies behind my back, or to have found out when and how I did?

While I won't say that I would never want to cause X unease, that is not what I would be going for if I were to contact X's mother. Is it so wrong of me to want to know why? And to ask those who may have a clue? Do you honestly think I'm so low of a person to use someone I came to care about like that? If it comes off that way, then I apologize, but that's not what I would be going for.

Also, you say that what I said about myself doesn't present me in a very pleasant light. Are you saying that what my supposed-best friend and her boyfriend did puts them in a pleasant light? I never said I was a saint, but don't go off on me as if I'm any worse than the other parties involved. You've singled me out and pointed out my faults and wrongdoings without even acknowledging that what others in the situation did may have been wrong as well, effectively painting me as the bad guy. Forgive me for being seventeen; for knowing what I want and how to get it; for wanting the other party in the situation to feel as I did; for wanting closure.

Actually, forgive me for being human.

You tell me to "grow up and drop it." Are you saying that even people older than me are so quick to simply drop a subject that has affected them so deeply? Somehow, I think not. Who can say that they've never wanted retribution for a situation? That they have never mocked, or wanted to mock, someone who has hurt them? Never wanted to cause someone else unease? Or even, never wanted to understand why someone did what they did?

Whether you believe me or not, I'm not looking to cause anymore unease than I may have already with her. I came here looking for advice on how to get over this--not to be made out as the bad guy and told to "grow up," "move on," and "drop it." Obviously, if I'm looking for advice on how to get over the anger, I am attempting to drop it, and telling me to grow up isn't going to help.

I'm going to go with the assumption that if I can never find the closure that I want for this, that I should simply busy myself so I never have to dwell on it again.

Lastly:

I'm not an idiot. I can read/see and make an inference. :/ Don't talk to me as if I can't.

While I agree on some level that there is the possibility that there may not be an answer to my question, the way that it happened makes me feel as if there is. I cannot fathom having no reason to agree with what I knew to be blatant lies about a person.

I will attempt one more contact with X herself, as neutrally as possible, but I won't put my hopes up for receiving an answer.

As I have already stated, I am assuming that my best course of action will be to simply try to live with the fact that I won't receive the answer I desire, and to busy myself so that I have no time to dwell on what happened.

Thanks for responding. I appreciate it.