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I hate my life

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jeffers06, Jul 19, 2007.

  1. Jeffers06

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    I have a problem. I am totally in love with my best friend. I think about him all the time, just little stuff like "I wonder what he's doing" or "I hope he's having a good day." I get really excited when I get to do stuff with him because he just makes me happy by being there. When I know he's going to call me, my phone is practically glued to me so I don't miss the call. When he's feeling sad, I want to hug him and never let go.

    But he inevitably has to go home, or stop talking on the phone. I especially hate it when he talks about his girlfriend, or worse brings her along on stuff we're doing. He's straight, and has no clue I'm gay. I'm scare of how he'd react if he knew...he'd probably think I liked him, and he'd be right. And that would freak him out I think.

    This is definitely one of the worst feelings in the world. I want to tell him so bad, and I so badly want him to feel the same way. But he won't...at least I don't think so. A lot of people think he's gay, but he insists he's not. He's got a girlfriend and he was so sad when she broke up with him (they got back together) that I thought he was going to do something very bad and very permanent with his life. He absolutely hates it when people call him gay. I keep thinking though "maybe he's bi"...and that small home is part of what is making me miserable all the time. When I know he's going to be gone and I won't get to see him, I feel sick and depressed and I don't want to do anything with anyone.

    I don't have anyone to talk to about this either. I'm only out to one friend, and she doesn't much care about stuff like this. I don't know what to do, but I'm sick of being miserable all the time...I try to get him out of my head, but it won't work. I should just tell him I'm gay but I'm terrified of ruining our friendship.

    Any advice. I'm sorry if this is kind of depressing.
     
  2. 24601

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    I used to be in a situation much like your's. I wish I could help you more than this, though, because I know how rough it can be. For years I wanted my best friend who seems so very gay but isn't. He knew, and it just ended up hurting us. I don't really have any advice, since I never was able to help myself. I got out of it by falling in love with another. That's probably not a viable option, at the moment, though.

    You can talk here, it's good to get it all out. Chances are your friend won't feel the same about you. But likewise, chances are that he won't care that you're gay, and you being gay won't ruin your friendship. You should tell him about that. But I don't think you should tell him how you feel, or, if you do, make sure you put it in a way that won't make him feel threatened. From my personal experience, I can honestly say... and it hurts to say it, but if you can go without telling him, then don't tell him... because it will make things rough for both of you. Especially you.

    I wish I had something more uplifting. Again, I know what it's like. I was exactly the same way up until recently... it's hard, but it will end eventually. Just don't make any decisions that may ruin things down the road for both of you.
     
  3. boarder25

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    Wow, this is so eerily similar to my situation. Honestly, the only difference between you and me is that my best friend actually knows I'm gay. I really don't know what to tell you here, since I have pretty much the exact same thing happening. =/
     
  4. liszak

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    Maybe you can try to focus on the positives -- like the times you get to spend w/ him and the simple fact that you're getting to experience a real and powerful kind of love, even if it is unrequited. There's nothing like the feeling of being in love w/ someone.
     
  5. jroakwood

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    the truth is that he probably isnt gay.
    and i know it may hurt.
    ive been in (a) similar situation(s).

    love totally sucks sometimes.
    but believe me. you'll get through this.
    and once you do. you might not even be attracted to him anymore.
    thats happened to me. guys ive really liked, im not even attracted to them after i get over it.

    but i think you telling him youre gay would be helpful.
    not necessarily that you really like him, that i would at leastttttt save until after you experience his reaction to your coming out to him.

    so thats all i know.
    come out to him.
    then see what happens.

    good luck.
     
  6. Jeffers06

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    Hey, thanks for the responses. I really appreciate it. It's nice to be reassured I'm not the only one that feels like this. It feels like it sometimes.

    I really do want to tell him. I've known him since 7th grade (I'm a sophomore in college now) so I'm just trying to figure out how he'd react and how to tell him. I have a letter and an email, both saved on my computer and both slightly different from each other, that I could send him but I'm afraid to. I'd like to tell him in person, but I don't know if I could do that. We have debates about social issues from time to time (abortion, death penalty, religion, etc.). I guess I could bring up homosexuality and see what he thinks...I know he's against gay marriage because he wrote a paper about it. I was actually very upset by it because it's all 100% wrong but I couldn't say much because he doesn't know. Besides, maybe if I told him, I'd change his views...or he'd just stop talking to me. Did I mention his dad is one of the pastors at his church?

    I hate myself sometimes because one time when he was trying to get me to go out with this girl and I refused, he asked if I was gay. I panicked and told him no. I should have just told him then and there and been done with it. It was a stupid decision.

    Yeah, I absolutely love the time I get to spend with him. The only thing is sometimes we go to movies or stuff and I'm would love to hold his hand and I can't and that makes me really sad.

    Why does life have to be so complicated?
     
    #6 Jeffers06, Jul 19, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2007
  7. jroakwood

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    yeah. i hear ya.
    but believe me.
    someday you will find a guy who returns the feelings you have for him.
    and you'll be able to hold his hand all you want and more. :icon_wink

    but as i said.
    ive been there.
    and it sucks.
    but things will get better.
     
  8. GoBabyGoGo

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    ok... well i got over a crush on my best friend by falling in love with this other guy -- i really don't think it has helped though... the cycle has sort of started again. I just truely believed that he was totally straight and he would never be able to return my love. it really sucked. sure, i still find him VERY attractive...

    i really can relate to how you feel. love hurts. real bad. i used to get a really sick feeling in my stomach, and get really nervous when i was around him, then come home and have a cry about it... and yeah, i couldn't stop thinking about him!

    and i really don't think you can look at the positives -- IMO love is not a positive feeling unless it is returned. but then again, it's not worth hating your life over it. you'll get through this, and there will be others who CAN return it. just give it time...
     
  9. nisomer

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    I agree with you that it will work better if you tell him in person. And indeed, if are the best friends that you say you are, you probably could change his mind about gay marriage. It happened to me with one of my friends, she completely changed her mind about gay marriage, and to this day, reminds me that it was when I came out to her that she realized she couldn't deny the rights that everyone else has to someone she loves so much. Honestly, you just have to trust in your friendship and and your judgment as to what type of person he is. Is he the type to judge you by stuff like this? Or will he value you for the person you are? If you think you can trust him, then go for it. I think many people underestimate how open our new generation is now to coming out, and gays in general. I have many conservative friends who, while they are against gay marriage, have no problem with me being gay. You should talk to him, see how it works out. It may work out better than you think. :icon_wink
     
  10. careandrespect

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    Hello Jeffers06,

    I am sorry for getting back so late but I am new here myself and I am just trying to find my way around this site. I don't have any magic words to help to take away the pain you must feel, but I want you to know as I am sure you have found out so far you have a lot of support here. I know this from my own personal experience.

    The only thing that I could offer is that there is nothing to say that you can not continue your friendship with your friend. Enjoy the time together. For this is a true gift. Also realize that you are young. Be patient with yourself. I agree, why does life make things so difficult. Emotions can be very powerful. Realize that with time you will meet someone who feels the same way you do about developing a close relationship.

    I hope this helps. If I can be of further help feel free to drop me a note.

    Know that we at EC are on your side.

    Respectfully,
    careandrespect
     
  11. Owen

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    I agree with everyone here. Once you have the courage to do so, tell him that you are gay. It's best if you don't send a letter, because if you tell him in person, he can't ignore it and just write it off. As for telling him that you like him, it would be best to save that until after he's gotten used to the fact that you're gay.
     
  12. downboyup

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    It is painful I know. Good luck, For me I have found in the past that the only way is to really start focusing on others and putting some create into new relationships. Friends help. just being able to talk it over helps. especially this web site.

    How about writing a big wish list in what you want in a partner - make sure you write that he is available and is gay, so you dont have to be in the position of waiting or wondering. You will be surprised at how what you want you can get. just be specific.
     
  13. Jeffers06

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    My friend came over again last night, just to hang out and watch a movie. He kept talking about his girlfriend and how she's hanging out with this other guy and stuff and he was uncomfortable with it. The whole time I was thinking so...dump her and try something different. Too bad things don't work like that.

    I wanted to tell him so bad last night but I couldn't do it. It's weird, because I know that everyone says you have to watch out for yourself first and not to worry about what other people think. The thing is, I can't imagine not being friends with him anymore. I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable. In fact, I know I'd be miserable. I get depressed when he goes on family vacations for more than a week and I can't hang out with him.

    The thing that makes me really sad is that I know eventually he's gonna go away and so am I. Once we're done with college, we'll move and go our separate ways. Sure, I'll probably talk to him but not often. That's really depressing to me....Anyway, it's time for me to go to work.
     
  14. Blueeyes

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    These situations are so tough, I'm sure that many of us here have had our straight crushes. I was in a really similar situation with my friend a few months ago. I couldn't get him off my mind and I thought I was completely in love with him. I would hang out with him every weekend and often several times throughout the school week. I was so invested in the hope of him being gay that I lost touch with reality. It took me a good couple of months to get over that thought and accept him as (maybe) straight. He's still one of my best friends now but I don't think of him in any way romantically anymore. In all honesty I do think he is gay, but even if he came out to me I wouldn't pursue a relationship with him.

    I know how hard it is to accept a crush like this as straight, especially when you feel there is a glimmer of hope that they might be gay. All I can say is that I was completely miserable the whole time I was hopelessly crushing on this guy, and that when I finally put my hopes aside, I was in a much better place. There are so many guys out there, and I think that it is much more rewarding to find a great guy who will return your feelings. If your friend is indeed gay, then it's his prerogative to come out and what will be, will be.
     
  15. CrimsonThunder

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    Ohhhh Jeffers, I can bet a hell of a lot of members her go through the same stuff, me included. You're certainly not alone.

    When you're with him you feel like you're on top of the world and nothing can bring you down. Then when hes gone you miss him and get really depressed then remember hes straight and you can never love him besides being his friend. >.<

    I myself don't know any way to get over this feeling, it's impossible to not feel them for someone you're so close too. And it's a hard thing to tell them as well. =( Good luck.
     
  16. Jeffers06

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    Thanks again for all the responses! It's nice to have people to talk to.

    I am definitely ready to go back to school. My friend goes to the same University, but he lived on the other end of campus. We made a point of doing something once a week but we didn't see each other much besides that. I talked to him on the phone a few times a week though, too. Anyway, my point is, at school I was around all kinds of people, and I always had something to do, so I was always distracted. Now, during the summer, I don't have that many distractions so I think about him a lot more.

    I'm just happy that move in day at the dorms is just four weeks from Thursday.