For many years I have realized that I am interested in more than just women. When in a crowd of people, I notice guys rather than scoping out the girls. Most of my friends have always been girls and I have always dated them. Of course, it wasn't until recently that those relationships were what they were, rather than just being a symbol for being really good friends like most child relationships are. Over a year ago in March or April, I finally came to terms that I was visually attracted to other guys. It was the hardest thing for me to do, and I was scared as all get out, but I told my mom that I was bisexual. A few days later, I came out to my father, and then some of my closest friends. I wanted it to be kept a secret though. I didn't want to be judged by others. I was already judged by others at school for simply acting more feminine and not being like everyone else. People asking if I was gay was common. But my friends understood and had absolutely no problems with it. They were actually very curious. I then developed a very good relationship with my best friend, Rebecca. Her and I talked a lot about everything and I trusted her. I developed an emotional attachment to her. She was there for me, no matter what. Last summer we furthered that bond, being almost inseparable. I asked her out in September and everything was going great. I finally had my first real relationship. I was attracted to her, yes, but only to a certain extent. We didn't have sex, but were always close to it (she made it known that she didn't really want to yet, and I kept it a secret that I really wanted nothing to do with her "area"). When we were in the moment, I was turned on, sure. But other than that, I was never really interested in women. I secretly looked at gay porn, never straight, and never fantasized about naked women. The relationship quickly started going downhill after my father passed away in November. I became depressed, secluded myself, and didn't really want to talk to anyone. She did try to get me to come around, but could not handle my problems on top of the ones she was having and finally dumped me in December before she went off to the east coast for the holidays with her family. This put me in an even bigger state of depression. The one person I did have to talk to when I needed left me, and I felt like I had no one. At the time I was still working at McDonalds, so that kept me decently busy. Generally, I was happy to go to work and get away from everything. I had different "friends" there that I could have fun with from time to time (but only while working). I then made one of the biggest mistakes that I have made in my entire life and started becoming good friends with my boss. He was funny and fun to hang out with. I missed having that best friend and quickly became attached. He is "straight" and has never done anything with a guy before (which I haven't either). Things got hot and heavy and I quickly found myself lying to my mom to go sneak away to his house (of course I told her I was with him, but like that we were going to the movies or playing video games). She was very concerned, since he was my boss and everything (and his age, which I don't particularly feel like sharing). Although I was happy to have someone again and to be able to experiment, I was unhappy. I was going through an emotional roller coast for over a month before I finally stopped everything. He thought I was trying to rip him apart from his friends to make them jealous that he is now spending so much time with me, when I was actually trying to make his friends calm down and stop jumping to conclusions since he was lying to them about it instead of just covering things up properly. He ignored me and made me feel like I was the bad guy. I finally got over him when he tried to apologize. I explained the truth and that I never wanted to see him again. It was such a horrible mistake. I have questioned my sexuality even more since then and have a hard time understanding who I really am. I miss having a relationship, which often times brings me down, and I definitely hate not knowing what I truly want. But one thing that has changed is that I now walk around, seeing other guys, and wondering how it could be. I am watching more gay-interest films about guys my age, and they usually make me feel a little better about how I feel. The past week I have seriously considered coming out as gay to everyone. I have already gotten past the fears of coming out to others when I "turned" bisexual, so that isn't a problem that I am having. I am having troubles figuring out if this is really what I am and what I want. Once I make this move, my life is changed forever, and I want to be careful doing so. I am not, and never have been, confident in myself. I don't know if I really am gay or if I am bisexual. I mean, any part of me that likes girls can surely go away if I was to turn gay, for the simple fact that I won't want or need it. Maybe this falseness in liking girls is simply because I know that is all I am capable of having without being judged. Maybe there are other subconcious factors that I haven't thought about that restrict me to what I do? I just need some help, and hope that someone can relate to the way I am feeling. It is all very confusing to me and I have no clue what is relevant and what isn't. I just want to overcome this confusion and make a decision so I can move on and live my life without all of these worries.
Just a few things. You are what you are. You won't "turn gay" and stop liking girls just by telling people that you're gay one day. At the same time, there's nothing wrong with not being purely 100% gay. Sexuality is a fluid concept that people like to try to fit into frames and boxes. A lot of gay men and women probably have even had one or two people in their life they crushed on that were opposite-sex simply because you can't really control attraction to someone. Sometimes you're attracted to people for very different reasons, and gender might not have anything to do with it. I would recommending figuring out WHO you are as a person before deciding to stake your claim in gaysville. Once you feel confident in your own natural attraction, you'll be ready to share it with others. Otherwise, you risk the chance of just creating more confusion for people if you have to renege on it later. I've heard a good saying here from time to time: the proof is in the porn. You say that you don't get aroused by images, fantasies, or porn of females at all. But you are confused that you might like them. Perhaps it's just that you make a quicker bond with women because you feel safer with them than men (most of which are straight). But don't mistake friendship for love or attraction. As for missing the feeling of being in a relationship... I don't really think you can count the McDonald's fling as a relationship. He didn't seem particularly proud to be with you (in fact, it seemed that he wanted you to be his dirty secret that he wouldn't tell his friends about). When you find someone who wants to be with you, it should be a world apart from before.
I think the best thing you can do is not label yourself yet, notice who you like and make moves toward those group(s). The label is trivial and the important part is you find someone who you want to love, and have sex with (and truly be with) If you are dying for a label then you could go with Pansexual, it fits you right now. That label encompasses the idea that you are open to the idea of a relationship with men, women, or some other gender. Hope I helped and good luck! =)
Hi nice to meet you. I think you should take a deep breath and step away from everything for a moment. If you don't know what you are completely then don't worry to much on the lable part. And remember, you are who you are and there is nothing wrong with that. Just do want you want, see what people you are personally attracted to and be with them. Unfortunetly thats about all i can say, considering my perspective is different from yours. But i do wish you good luck and if you ever want to talk please feel free! =)
Thanks guys for your support. You guys make a lot of sense. I think I was focusing more on the labels and where I fit rather than just being myself and not worrying about what other people think of me. I don't need to conform to anything. Thanks again I am glad there is such a good community of people here
I can kind of relate to your situation, Brandon. I've come out as gay, and one day I realized I still had attraction to females kind of. As I type that, it doesn't really sound right, but anyways, the best thing you can do is as many others have suggested: step away from the situation and let the natural flow of events guide you in determining your sexuality. I wish you the best
