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Having some trouble

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Agerardii, Jul 21, 2009.

  1. Agerardii

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    Hi all, it's been a while since I've posted here. I'm not sure why that is, but I feel like I could use some advice/ help/ suggestions. If you've read (and remember) my previous posts, you know that I have been with (and at one point engaged to) a girl for a few years. Then self-identified as gay, then straight again and back with the same girl, then confused, then gay again, then back with the same girl... and on and on like that for a while.

    Anyway, we're together now. I don't know if I'm gay or bisexual or a self-loathing internalized homophobe or what. I've been very honest with her about everything - how I'm attracted to men, but not women other than her. I'm very much in love with her. I want to make this work. The "internalized homophobe" thing was kind of a joke - I don't think I would have any problem with it if I were gay. I just don't know. I think I may be straight, but just honest enough to admit that I'm attracted to guys. When my girlfriend gets depressed she becomes convinced that I am actually gay and that it's only a matter of time until I leave her for a man. She wants me to break all ties with the LGBT community - not have gay friends, stop visiting sites like this one and towleroad, and stop expressing such an interesting in LGBT issues and legislation.

    I'm sorry that I disappear for so long, then reappear when I have problems again. I would really appreciate your thoughts, especially if you've been married or in a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite sex. What the hell am I doing? How can I stop hurting her?
     
  2. Markio

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    She seems to be hurt because she doubts your feelings for her, as it seems you do by your confusion. If you want to stop hurting her, you have to figure yourself out so that she can have certainty and closure about where you and her stand.

    I don't think it's fair that she doesn't want you to associate with LGBT people, because how else are you supposed learn about yourself in that way? I think you should be asking yourself personal questions about your attractions, while ignoring what other people want you to say. Do you find this girl sexually attractive? What about other girls? Do you find guys sexually attractive?
     
  3. seadog

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    Hi! Wish I were you! ck my profile and blog. I married 24 years ago thinking, hoping, wishing, my attraction to men would dry up and go away. Guess what? It doesn't. I'm glad you are so honest and open with yourself about where you are. stay with that. I'll comment more when i have more time.
     
  4. dude99

    dude99 Guest

    Well if you want this relationship to work you need to ressure her that you are very happy in the relationship, and despite your attraction to the same sex, it will not change your feelings for her. Well I guess you can try to impress her if you feel this relationship is worth saving. You could take her on a weekend away romantic trip and spoil her. Shower her with presents. Well just try to ressuare her that despite that you may have gay friends and visit sites like this, nothing will change the way you feel for her and tell her that. Say to her that you really love her to trust you. Say even though you are attracted to the same sex nothing can change the way you are attracted to her.
     
  5. Jack2009

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    This isn't going to work period. This is best as a friendship relationship, not romantic. Too many issues too early on. She's in love with you, and you're in love with her but not the intimate love that she shares with you.

    If you're gay you are gay, period, unless she happens to make you arouse just by looking at her then you could be bi but you sound gay if she's the only one. I believe you're trying to fool yourself this can work because you love her mentally but not physically. Eventually sooner or later you are going to want a man (if you're completely gay) but will still love her but it's not there.

    It could work if you're willing to sacrifice your sexuality for her. Also if you're not willing dump her, since she's still young don't drag her into years of pains. Find yourself first, then if you truly can say "I do." then do it but really I see no hope at all.

    It's a good thing now to end it.
     
  6. The Enigma

    The Enigma Guest

    First off, don't worry about labeling yourself gay or straight. Because honestly, only you will know who you like or don't like and only your body can really say who's attractive and who's not. And by cutting all ties to the LGBTQ community, you will not suppress or change anything about yourself, honestly. If I ignored the LGBTQ, I'd still end up where I have today: different. Although, I think I might be a tad unstable.

    If you're attracted to guys, then I'd say you're more heteroflexible. If you love her emotionally and are attracted physically, then there's nothing wrong. But it's not her place to tell you what you can or cannot do, frankly. Hopefully, your relationship works out but don't prolong it if you know it isn't.

    Do what you want. You should feel natural and happy in a relationship without hiding secrets or feeling burdened. That's a relationship.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    Hi there. Welcome back.

    This comment SOOOO reminded me of me before I finally accepted that I was gay:

    I had myself convinced of that. I wasn't a homophobe. I was straight - and so comfortable with my orientation that I had absolutely NO issues with gay men. So much so, that I was totally comfortable finding other men attractive. So much so that gay porn turned me on. So much so that I figured I should try having sex with guys, "just to get it out of my system."

    :eusa_doh:

    The reality was (drum roll please...) I was gay.

    That's just me. I can't speak for anyone else. But I think if we want something to be true, we'll sometimes jump through hoops to justify and rationalize our behaviour that suggests otherwise.

    By not accepting this earlier, I ended up leading my wife into a life that was going to have a very large disruption 9 years later. Finding out her husband was gay, and had been unfaithful was pretty devastating. Having to sell our house and move our kids, have them change schools, etc. was pretty traumatic for everyone. It wasn't fun.

    Figure this out before you go much farther. Don't kid yourself that it will go away if you try really hard. It is who you are. It's not going to change.

    Feel free to PM me (as I'm a moderator here) if you want to discuss this one on one.
     
  8. JakeBHT

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    I am that girlfriend in male form, and me being in that position perhaps i should not be posting here but here goes.

    I am in love with the only gay girl in my year. The only girl I find at all attractive is her and due to my love for her I have now been told to get a psychiatrist to help with my "depression" and "paranoia" and what is apparently a symtom of my deppression "skizophrenia" also the self harming and want to die.

    Please do what is right for you. I would not feel at all happy if Rachel (my ex who I am besotten with) came back to me and didn't feel that she loved me. So make sure that your girl is beyond doubt.
    :arrow:Be as romantic as you can and then some, let her know how you feel and that you really do love her.

    :goodluck:​