Okay hi, I'm a 26 yr old female and I've never done anything like this before, in fact I think that I had locked everything I'm about to tell you away and fully intended to live the rest of my life without even pondering any of it ever again, but... something happened today and now I feel like I am unraveling and I really need to talk to someone, or anyone. So pretty much, I think that I'm probably a lesbian. It's very difficult for me not to backspace and find some other, more pleasing-to-my-own-eyes/head/heart way to phrase that, but if I did that (like I always do, even in my own journals, even in my own head) the meaning wouldn't be the same anymore and I would have to abort this mission before I'd even begun because what would I be here for then? So okay, I think that I'm probably a lesbian. I have felt strong love for men in the past (and do currently), but I believe that I am actually Meant to be with another woman, and it's crazy that I'm even saying that because I feel so incapable of even thinking that thought TO MYSELF lately, but that's the truth I think I'm hiding even from me. I don't want to tell my entire life story here even though it would probably help someone to help me, I guess it's just not that important how/when/why I figured out what I've figured out and how/when/why I decided that I didn't like what I'd figured out, and that it was too hard to follow the path that I'd found I needed to travel, so I turned around and went back to the old path, the straight one you know? But when I got back on that path, I found that I could no longer walk it without feeling constant agony, and turmoil, and fear, and hopelessness, knowing that I was going the wrong way now, really knowing it, but feeling like I had no choice but to just stay there, in the straight world, and forget all about everything I'd found within myself. (I'm sorry if I seem vague, I'm just trying to explain how it went in my head and it's easier this way) But a person can't go on in such agony, so I also taught myself once more how to properly repress my thoughts... actually, to such an extent that I've become Stupid in my denial of self. It's like I think in fragments and I can't pull one out and elaborate on it, ever, because I'm too afraid of my thoughts now, I'm afraid to admit to anything in there, because I'm afraid of the pain that came with it last time... you know?? So I've just become this repressed sort of dummy who doesn't seem to know anything about anything anymore. So yeah, you can never go back again, not after what had happened with me and some girl, not after everything I'd felt and everything I'd seen, but even more than halfway through the metamorphosis I sure TRIED to go back. I guess I'd become a piece that no longer fit in the old puzzle (the before-that-girl puzzle), but after I'd tried to return to the old puzzle and failed, I'd also become a piece that could no longer fit in the second puzzle. So then I became something that can't fit anywhere and.... I guess that's me now. I can't even believe I'm writing this stuff. I can't believe I live with this stuff inside me somewhere, every day. I can't even believe I'm still alive!! I guess I can live with it because I never write like this anymore, and as I said earlier I only think in fragments which isn't really thinking at all, and I can choose to ignore and repress the fragments that would take me somewhere I don't want to go. And I don't even know why I'm so scared. I've pushed every single person away from me for so long, I've got no one (from my past) left to even fear that one could find out the truth about me. So what's so bad about owning up to who I am, who I might be? I know one thing I absolutely Despise is the thought that anyone could have seen this before me. It's like sometimes I feel like I'm in the closet (am I in the closet? I can't believe I just said that too o_o) simply because I fear telling people who I am, or who I think I am, and having them say things like, "FINALLY! I knew you were a lesbian back in ninth grade..." I don't know why but the thought of that just kills me. It's actually painful to think that people have watched me flounder around aimlessly, so lost, trying so hard to appear as/become something I thought I had to be, something I -must- be because any alternative just was not acceptable, and nobody ever even thought of telling me that it was Okay if I wasn't that thing, that it was Okay just to be who I am, who I might be, who am I? Why didn't anyone... and why doesn't anyone now? They teased me, even some friends who later turned out to be gay, but they just let me go on so pitifully... it really breaks my heart so badly I can't let it be true. The whole scenario is just unacceptable. I shut off everything, to avoid a scenario that might not even be plausible in reality, but I just feel like... it's so obvious that I'm a lesbian, that people have always known, way before I knew... the way I knew it about certain people in my life before they did, and it breaks my heart to think of them watching me now and seeing the truth and just letting me go on... Especially my mom, who knew about the girl I'd fallen in love with and tried hard to be supportive but very obviously felt great relief when I went back to the straight path and started dating guys again. I know that she knows the truth, but she won't ever accept it and so neither do I. I don't even know anymore and I seem to have actually Lost the ability to truly and honestly ponder these things in my own head (on any day except today at least). Is this actually what it's like to be in the closet??? Do you become so twisted up in your desire to Not be something, and to Be something else, that you actually become unable to see/feel what you really want? And who you really are? Like you just can't handle it? Forget telling other people, it's like you can't even tell it to yourself??? I wish I just knew for sure, but I'm just a jumble of... I don't even know. Just nothing.
(*hug*) Now I know you probably just wish someone here could just say "yup you're a lesbian" but the world sadly doesn't work like that. You're the only person who can figure out what your sexual orientation is. For a fair amount of people that is a tough road to go on, but when you come out on the other side knowing who you are, it is a great feeling. You have to be willing to be who you are though. You can't keep denying who you might be. If you are a lesbian though. It sounds as though those around you would except you. "Especially my mom, who knew about the girl I'd fallen in love with and tried hard to be supportive but very obviously felt great relief when I went back to the straight path and started dating guys again. I know that she knows the truth, but she won't ever accept it and so neither do I." I think any parent would rather their child be straight then gay, your mom was supportive you say when you were in love with this girl, so why would you think it'd be any different if you were a lesbian? I hope I was of help.
Oh Nica... (*hug*) I saw SO MUCH of myself in your post. It may seem jumbled to you, but you've captured VERY CLEARLY what is going on right now, because I was very much in the same place as you are 2 years ago (or so). So right off the bat, let me tell you that you're not alone. You're feeling what many of us have felt in this journey to find out and to be who we really are. And let me follow up by saying that it's a part of the process that ultimately leads to you feeling better about yourself. Welcome to Emptyclosets. You've come to the right place. For me, I didn't even start down that 'other' path, but deep down I knew it was there for me, and I refused to acknowledge it. So I stayed on that straight path, and I wasn't happy. I got married, and I wasn't happy. We bought a house, and got a puppy, and went on vacations, and had two kids, and I wasn't happy. I got prgressively more and more unhappy. And yes - I disconnected from myself and from those around me. I just couldn't take it any more. I escaped addiction and by being unfaithful to my wife. I actually was trying to take BOTH paths you talk about - which of course is impossible to do in the long run, and it had some pretty devastating consequences for me and my family. By the time it all fell apart, I was a wreck. I didn't know who I was. I was incapable of feeling most emotions. I was numb to the world. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I play a part here in EC because I don't want anyone to have to hit the kind of 'bottom' that I did before my life turned around and I started to live it more honestly and 'authentically'. About other people knowing? Just give it time. You won't 'come out' to anyone until you're ready. And until then, don't worry about what they might think. Tell your ego (we all have one, and it's amazing the influence it has over us some times) to take a back seat on this one. It's OK if other people knew. What matters is that you're happy and healthy and content with the life that you're living. Don't deny yourself that just to spite others. Coming out to others at first terrified me. But that passes. And eventually the benefits of coming out will outweigh the drawbacks. Until that time, don't sweat it. Signing up here was the right thing to do. It took a lot of courage to start acknowledging these things to yourself, and to others. We're here to support each other, because unfortunately we don't always find that support in those around us. I'm one of the moderators here, so you can send me a private message if you wanted to talk one on one. Otherwise, I think you've provided an excellent introduction of yourself here. You've shared very eloquently how you're feeling - and I think many other people will relate to those feelings as I did. Good luck. And again - welcome! :smilewave
Nica Firstly, well done, and thank-you for telling your story - and yes, it's confusing. Like Jim has already said, your experiences echo those of many others struggling to figure themselves out (me included), and that confusion is part and parcel of what is going through each of our minds. You'll find a friendly bunch of people here, and whether or not we have the answers (many of us are still on that journey of figuring ourselves out) - we can at least be a friendly ear to listen, and to compare experiences with. Take care of yourself, and welcome! Tom
Welcome to EC! And although it's early days yet, allow me to also say "Welcome to the rest of your life". Feel free to take some time to peruse the boards, to join some conversations, to ask some questions. You won't suddenly have it "all figured out" today, tomorrow, next week. It's a process. But you're finally looking inward. You're finally dealing with what's there instead of trying to lock it away. And that's the first step. Lex
Sounds a little like me Well you're an adult now, and if being in the closet is going to do more harm than being out; it's time to come out. It sounds like being out would make your life a lot better! I haven't started the straight path; I'm in nothing right now. It's like I never date, and I need too, but I don't. I am not really depress, since I focus on the future when the future is now. I remember when I was 13 saying I would be happy at 16, 17 (17 now).
I didn't really come out to myself until I was eighteen, not even a whole year ago. I had similarly fragmented thoughts every once in a while, but I would quickly avoid facing who I was. I used to wear a rubber band and snap it against my wrist whenever I thought about guys. When I finally admitted it, I cried myself to sleep. The first thing I did was go to the closest thing our school had to a support group, and I met a lot of nice people who have since become my friends. I also joined EC, which made things a lot better.
Welcome to EC Nica! This really is a great place to sort out your feelings. People here understand and they will give you alot of support. My son is just a little bit younger than you. He's been living happily with his partner in Louisiana. They have bought a house together. It even has a white picket fence! Your life is waiting for you. You just need to learn how to live it!
Hey nica. Welcome to EC This is a great support community, and I've been helped out by everyone here quite a bit. I can definitely relate to how you feel. Hope to get to know you better!
first of all Welcome to EC you are part of a great family here. i have been in your shoes for a long time. if it had not been for EC i would not come out to the one i have. i have always tryed to hide who i was but found that it hurt more to hide it in me. since i have been here EC has tought me to understand who i am and i now know and feel ok that i like women. there are still days i feel like hiding but EC help me through it and you really meet a lot of great people. anyway if you need a friend you can lean on me look me up come see my wall i would love to have you as a friend. take care and good luck
Hello. (*hug*) I am so glad to see your post. Being able to say that you may be a lesbian is a small step, but it is a giant leap toward the greatest part of your life. I was in your place not even a year ago. Confused, thought I was alone. Just an automaton going through life. I can tell you that coming out was the hardest thing I have ever done. Now that I have gone though it, I can tell you that it was the most worth while thing I have done with my life. I am living life now, and feel that it is worth living. As Lex said "Welcome to the rest of your life" Just remember that it is not a race and labels don't matter. We'll love you no matter who you are. I would also say take the time to explore other parts of our site, especially the Chit Chat and Fun and Games section. Lots of great people here, and they make it a nice place to visit.
Hi again, and thank you to everyone who responded!! (*hug*) Reading over my post even now is still incredibly hard for me. I already want to delete it all and run away from this place! :icon_redf But I've made my decision and I'm gonna stay here and, as many of you suggested, I'm going to read through others' posts and try to find solace in the fact that I'm not as alone as I felt before today. I tend to be more of a lurker but all of this luv makes me want to get over my shyness and be a real part of this community!! THANK YOU for that! There's just one point I'd like to address/clarify.... Well, I think what I meant more is that my mom will never really accept that I'm a lesbian, even if I declare it. Because (since the days of my f/f relationship), any time I've tried to bring up my ex-gf or ANYTHING related to my sexuality, i.e. that I was still questioning things -even though- I've been dating men for the past two years, she's just... completely shut off to whatever I was saying. It disappoints her so much and I can actually -feel- her shut off when I'm about to say something lesbo-related and she senses it coming. It's just horrible and... that's why I say she tried hard to be supportive back then. She said all the words she thought a mother in her position should say, but I never stopped feeling her disappointment/disgust with me, and there was always this guilt... And then she suddenly started bringing up how she wasn't going to get grandchildren if I was a lesbian, etc. etc. and when I got together with the first guy I dated after my ex-gf, she and my stepdad both brought up how happy they were because it's SO IMPORTANT that I give them grandchildren. So, you see it's just messy. I guess other people who come out probably experience a sort of "distanced" support from their parents, and a lot of people probably also have to live with feeling that thinly veiled disappointment from their families too.... I guess, it's just something I'm going to have to learn to live with, when I'm ready. What's funny is that, the thing that happened yesterday, that has prompted my breakdown and made all of these things resurface for me, is I found out that I have a syndrome that will cause me problems with fertility. I was researching the syndrome online and found that the percentage of lesbians who have it is MUCH greater than the percentage of straight women who have it. I guess I'm freaking out so much because I had given up on ever living my life as a lesbian, really I was never going to try again, I was going to marry a man and have children and just live that way.... and now... Well I guess this is just the way I view things so I apologize if seems offensive to any straight women who may have this syndrome, or just downright silly to anybody else, but finding out that I am infertile and that 1 in 2 lesbians have this same problem, to me it's like... my own body is reminding me who I am, and telling me that no, I'm never gonna be that thing I've resigned myself to be, that I'm never going to be able to forget that at my core I'm not that thing, a straight woman. I can pretend forever but I see this as a sign and because I see it that way, I'm never going to be able to forget it now. That probably sounds like nonsense but that's what's going on and it's prompted all of this... so as much as it all hurts, I hope that one day all of this will ultimately have been "for the best", including the shocking and saddening revelation that I am (in all probability) infertile. Oh and just to be perfectly clear, I -do- have genuine feelings for men as well, so even my plan to marry a man and be in the closet forever wouldn't necessarily be a hellish life, it's just that I don't feel as *Right* with men as I do with women. Even when I feel strongly for a man, it's never the same as it is with women. That's why I believe I must be a lesbian, though I already really like the homoflexible label I've seen around here! :icon_redf Man do I ramble. Well thanks again to everyone who responded; I'm so grateful that you understood and that so many of you can relate to my jumbled craziness. It's a relief to know that what I'm experiencing is normal for someone in this position to experience... thank you thank you thank you! (&&&)
I got this reaction from my parents (particularly my mum) as well. My brother and I are both gay, and when I asked my mum hypothetically what she would want her grandkids to call her, she just said, 'I wouldn't go there if I were you.' It doesn't really bother me - I know that she just needs time to get used to the idea. No matter who you are, if you are capable of loving and supporting your child, then you are a worthy parent. Being a homosexual doesn't mean you can't be a parent, although it may take your family some time to accept that. Just give them the time they need, there's no rush. Sometimes coming out can be harder on our loved ones than it is on us. In that case, simply don't label yourself. Don't close yourself off either gender; love could come from anywhere. It may be that you will fall completely in love with a man and end up with him - but still be entirely capable of loving a woman (or vice versa). You don't have to be 'homosexual' OR 'heterosexual'...sexuality and attraction are fluid things. Maybe one day you'll come to a realisation that you only want to date women...maybe not. Until then, if that ever happens, don't worry about fixing a firm label on yourself. Just open up to love. Having the capacity to have a romantic relationship with both men and women is (I imagine!) a wonderful thing. Whatever happens, you'll never be judged at EC, and you'll always be able to find support and understanding here.
Ah, I'm glad you mentioned this. The first time I tentatively stepped out of the closet and admitted to myself and others that I was really into another girl, I actually had the same issues with struggling to label myself. I don't even seem to realize how black-and-white I am about my own sexuality until somebody else points it out to me. I guess that's just an issue that I must try to resolve with myself too. But, another thing I always wonder is, if I came out and openly started to date women, would I lose interest in men? Maybe my "genuine" feelings for men aren't actually genuine at all. It's so hard to decipher what's what when I've been stuffing things down for so long, you know? Well either way, I'm sure that a lot of my ideas/feelings about things will be very different once I've stopped stifling myself and being afraid of my feelings for women. Only from that perspective (I imagine) will I ever feel certain enough about myself to adopt a label, but I guess saying that now kind of trashes my first post in which I stated that I am probably a lesbian. Argh! See why I get caught in this need for a specific (and extreme) label? It's like, if I don't have that label to come out with, I feel like there's no need to "come out" of anything, but that also contradicts this horrible, trapped-in-a-life-I-don't-belong-in feeling inside of me. So... This place is... :love: So amazing. I can see how EC saves lives. I am already beginning to feel like it's going to save mine.
First of all, welcome to EC! Hopefully you'll be able to discover more about yourself by posting here! I recognised a lot of me in your early post. Especially about the feeling that you have to take another path than the one you want to. Though, in my case, I solved this by not choosing either path and putting things off indefinitely. I just blocked all feelings on the matter during the day, and went to bed in the evening hoping that all would be miraculously sorted out in the morning. What helped in the end was just reading other people's coming out stories (I lurked on here quite a bit before I joined), and writing about it. Just honestly writing down what I felt was a bit like an explosion of the mind. And in the end I'm pretty sure I chose the right path. Don't worry about giving yourself a definite label yet! There really is no need to define yourself as a 100% lesbian that only loves women, ever! I'm pretty sure I'm pretty gay, but hey, if I ever would meet the ideal women, I wouldn't want my self-labeling to get in the way of that! That didn't stop me from coming out as gay, and if the unlikely scenario of me falling in love with a woman would happen, I'd look a bit silly. But I'd bee too in love to care, probably :icon_wink Just some random thoughts: Now this is a feeling I can relate to. after the first few comings-out, I lost the fear of a bad reaction. but I'm always afraid that someone would have figured me out and kept quiet about it for years. Though like most fears, it's ultimately irrational. It migt make you feel a bit silly, but it does mean that the person you're talking to has probably already accepted you like you are! Very interesting thought. I can only speak for myself, but I can say that now that I accepted myself being gay, and am not forcing myself to like women, my interest in women has waned. Or at least as far as romantic partnerships go. On the other hand, I find myself more at ease with women too, because the thought of "must fall in love with a women eventually!" is gone. Of course, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, as they say...
