Why do so many people like to play mind games? So many guys I have encounted they just like to play mind games. Examples are when guys say they will call you but never call, or I arrange to meet someone but the other person puts some excuse eventually and then never meet up, even with guys that flirt with me and then I discover I have been lead on which have resulted me feeling stupid, guys that claim they are really keen on you and then dump you when you least expected or for no good reason. Why do so many people like to play mind games? Is it a power struggle thing or something else?
It's my personal opinion that they do that to feel great about themselves, and to have that power but at the same time I don't think they follow up because they never really intended to in the first place. I've been wondering a lot about flirting lately.
ACK! I totally don't get the mind games thing either?! Then again if I hadn't had it done to me I'd probably find some sick pleasure in doing it to someone else.~
I think there can be a whole number of reasons. A lot of people don't like confrontation, and don't want to hurt someone's feelings, so instead of saying "I'm not interested", they just don't call, don't return calls, etc. (I've been guilty of this myself.) A worse example of that is staying in a relationship you don't like because you "don't want to hurt the person"... failing, of course, to realize that staying in the relationship when you know you don't like the person will end up hurting them more. Leading people on, I think, is different. That, I think, is often done to make the person doing it feel better about themselves; to prove to themselves that they can attract someone, or perhaps even to hurt someone out of a desire for power and control. Now... the last one you described, where you're in a relationship, but the person dumps you for no good reason, is a different scenario; there, I think the person is often dealing with what I call the "intimacy dance", the unconscious fear or discomfort with allowing anyone to get too close. That's usually driven by an unconscious fear that they "aren't good enough" (basically, low self esteem) and so they either end the relationship by "acting out" (cheating) or by dumping you, out of an (often misplaced) fear that if they don't, you'll dump them. The worst part is, because it's all in the unconscious, they aren't even aware they're doing it. Pretty much, all of these relate back to self esteem and insecurity issues, which are rampant in most relationships, but I tend to think they are more common in gay relationships because we have all the regular baggage our straight counterparts have, plus an extra dose of internalized homophobia and self-hatred because we've spent so much time trying to deny who we are, and listened to all the negative shit from our parents, friends, and society.
^ Agreed. Unfortunately, you have to approach most people with a bit of cynicism. Base your opinions of them based on thier actions rather than their words. And not their actions at a night club or bar, but their real life actions. Being punctual, calling you back, etc. Where you meet these people might have something to do with it. If you're meeting at first online, that 'might' be the problem. I think the internet provides an anonymity that some people take advantage of. It allows them to say things and commit to things that they aren't prepared to follow through on in real life. Not to say that everyone is that way - but there's a LOT of filtering required. So maybe a different approach is required.
It takes two to tango. If you refuse to play the mind games with them, it becomes a game of solitaire, and the game falls apart. If someone says they'll call and they don't, I just say "Hey, you didn't call. Everything OK?" If it becomes a pattern, I say "You tend to say you'll call a lot, but then you don't. Maybe I should call you from here on out." Or just stop dealing with them. Easy enough. Lex
