Its been about a month since I came out to my mom and things seemed stagnant for awhile. It seemed like she was just avoiding the whole matter all together, like I never told her and things were still the same as they had been previously to me coming out to her. At first I was happy that she wasnt kicking me out of the house, but knew that eventually she was going to have something to say about me being gay. I was right, we kind of got into a heated debate last night. My mom, sister and I were all sitting on the back porch talking and I made a comment about my sister being a virgin so she wouldnt be coming home pregnant anytime soon. Well my mom made a really smart comment, "It'd be a blessing if you brought a pregnant girl home." So naturally I said that was not going to happen. She immediately got really defensive asking me why I would choose to live the lifestyle that I have claimed. I fucking hate the word choose/choice and lifestyle now. I shot back at her saying that I didnt choose to be like this, I was made this way. She started asking me all these questions about the bible and what God would think of the way I am living my life. She told me that I am setting a horrible example for my sisters and brother. So I asked her, "why cant you love me for who I am?" Her response, " I do love YOU, but not who you've become.." As if that didnt hurt me enough, she also informed that I may never bring a guy that I am talking to/dating to her house or near my family. I just dont understand why she is the way she is. I guess since she was telling me her feelings about me being gay she decided to go ahead and let me know a few other things she feels about me. She told me I was selfish, that I make dumb decisions, and I am going to have so many regrets when I get older that she hopes I can live with all of them. I asked her to stop talking because I didnt want to listen anymore. So she did, but before she did she informed me that she would still be praying that I will "see the light" and realize that I am not gay. Im so tired of all this. On top of all that, my older sister was kind of listening to us and she found out last night that Im gay..She didnt say anything about it though, Im sure she already knew something was up. I know I babble about my mom and I a lot on here, and I feel like yall get tired of hearing about it, but I dont have anyone else to talk to that will even come close to understanding. I just dont see why people in general assume that I chose to be gay. The thing about it now is that I am starting to believe my mom. I think about all the stuff that I will never have and it makes me sad. My whole life my family has been my life, we have always been close and now I feel so far away from them. Idk what to do. I know they love me, but knowing that my mom and dad more than likely will never accept me for who I am hurts. Ive worked so hard to be someone they would be proud of and glad to call their son, and I feel like such a failure. To add to all of this, my mom informed me today that she is looking for some kind of therapy for me. She wants me to talk to someone about my lifestyle so they can help me change my ways and lead a straight life. I know that conversion therapy is not a smart thing to do, but I feel like I dont have a choice. I just signed my lease for my apartment for school this fall and my mom and dad are paying for it, so if I dont go to therapy then she wont pay my rent, Im fucked basically. Idk if I could be anymore depressed right now, and I dont think some jack ass therapist trying to change me is going to help me out at all. Im so ready to just give up.
(*hug*) That really sucks. It sounds like your mom hasn't taken any action yet, though. So she says she's looking for a therapist. If it's a regular therapist and not a conversion therapist, then that wouldn't be a bad thing at all. Did your parents actually say they would stop paying the rent if you didn't go to therapy? Did they even find a therapist yet? I just wouldn't bring it up. Also, if you don't already have a job, I would get one so that if worse does come to worse, you have a form of income other than from your parents. You could also try to find a GSA at your school, or a local support group to hit up. That way you can have people to talk to that will believe you when you say you didn't choose to be gay. We believe you, anyway.
Bryan, I'm so sorry you had to endure all that from your mom. She really is clueless about what being gay means. The words "choice" and "lifestyle" tend to piss me off too! How could anybody think this is a choice is beyond me. Especially when someone thinks that about their own child. If I was you, I'd talk to your sister alone and see how she feels about it all. Maybe she could help with your Mom. "Prayers for Bobby" would be perfect for her to see! Hang in there. It will get better.
bryan, u know how i feel on this and what i say about it. i need u to know that everyone here, including myself, do not mind helping u out and wish and pray for things to work out for u. im sure they will. lean on your sis for help- she seems like a great girl.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. (*hug*) If your mom does find you a therapist, even a conversion one; just go along with it. Even if it is a conversion one, you know that stuff doesn't really work anyway. Hang in there, and do not give up! We're here for you. (*hug*)
(*hug*)I am sorry you have to deal with that Bryan. Try giving her some information on parents of gay children or something, maybe that will help. She is probably just having trouble with it sinking in at first and maybe she'll come around in time. Don't think that we're tired of hearing about your problems either, that's why we're all here to help one another with things like that. (*hug*)
Oh Bryan (*hug*) Is your mom open to reading any books that offer a more open minded biblical view on homosexuality?
Sheesh, being gay is bad enough to explain to atheists. I couldn't imagine trying to deal with the whole god thing when its used as a shield against gays. Hugs from me. Stay strong.
I am so sorry you are going through this Bryan. I would print out information from the American Psychological Association that shows that being gay is NOT a choice and conversion therapy does NOT work and causes more harm than good. Have you considered living on campus instead of getting an apartment? Maybe this way you can get financial aid so you can live on your own. Also like above has said look for a LGBT group on campus and join it. Like everyone said hang in there. Don't give up!! (*hug*)(*hug*)
I'm not sick of hearing from you. If anything, I miss hearing from you. And it would tick me off to know that this had happened and you had decided to keep it to yourself rather than sharing it with us. Talking about stuff helps. So keep talking. That's why a therapist might be a good idea. A 'Conversion' therapist might not be a good idea though. It might be entertaining, but I imagine it would mostly be insulting and frustrating. Keep talking with your mom. Don't be 'in her face' about things, but keep bringing it up. Provide her with books or literature. Keep saying that this isn't a 'choice' at all. You can tell her that you know someone (me!) that 'chose' to live a straight life. I was often depressed and didn't feel like I fit in. But I got married, and was still depressed. Got a dog, bought a house, drove a nice car, but would still be depressed. Had two beautiful kids, bought a bigger house and a nicer car, and was still depressed. I ended up escaping my reality through addiction. Which of course made me depressed to the point of being suicidal. And finally I CHOSE to stop living a lie and to be honest with myself and others. I didn't choose to be gay. I chose to acknowledge it and accept it and make the best of it. And I'm happier now than I've EVER been. I'm in love with my boyfriend in a way that I was never in love with my wife. And if your mom REALLY knew what this was about, she'd want you to experience the same kind of love too. But unfortunately, unless you've walked in someone elses shoes, you can't really know what they're feeling. And that's where your mom is right now. She can't relate to what you're going through, but as your parent, she feels that she's supposed to offer you guidance, and to protect you from harm. She has your best interests at heart, even if her actions are misguided. Your mom loves you - even if she doesn't understand. Next time you see her, give her a hug. Thank her for caring. Let her know you appreciate it, but that she really can't understand how you're feeling because she hasn't had this life experience her self. Some things in life you're going to have to just figure out on your own - and this is one of them. I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me any time if you want to talk about what's going on. Good luck with college. I'm sure you'll do great!
Bryan, Sorry to hear about your experience. First, it's only been a month, and people with deeply held religious beliefs generally take much longer to be able to come around to acceptance; it requires a fundamental change in how they view the world. She will likely come to accept you and your being gay, but it will probably take at least a few months. Secondly, see if you can negotiate a middle ground as far as therapy; discuss with your mother what an appropriate source for choosing a therapist would be, such as referrals from your doctor or your high school, and then go with one of those therapists. The only therapists likely to try to change your sexual orientation are Christian ones, and if you can get her to agree to stick to a licensed social worker or licensed psychologist who doesn't specifically claim to be a Christian or reparative therapist, you should be OK. Third, I would try in every way to avoid going to a conversion therapist or one who believes that sexuality is a choice. Even if you enter in with the idea that s/he is full of shit, these people can sometimes be really good at finding made-up or nonexistent "explanations" for why you're "acting gay" and, while they won't permanently change your orientation, they can really mess up your head. I think that it should be very reasonable to agree to go to a therapist that you and your mom mutually agree on, and actually, you'll find it to be very helpful. If she insists on sending you to a wingnut, put your foot down and start pulling out the literature from the APA that shows that reparative therapy is considered unethical and damaging. And... get her to watch "Prayers for Bobby"... available on itunes.
I love how accepting some people are! my nan is going to be like that I just know it! Well, what I intend to do is move out if it all turns nasty. Is there anywhere you can go to get away? Feel free to PM me
Thanks everyone for all the advice and support, its really kept me going and gives me hope. I seriously love all of yall. My mom told me that she will only pay my rent if I agree to her terms on the therapy thing. She started researching therapist in our area and in Atlanta after our talk on Sunday. I have a job now, but I wont be working in the fall, but if I needed to I would. I dont think I would find a job that paid me well enough to support myself, my parents pay for most of what I have. My sister gave me a hug and asked why I hadnt told her sooner, so I think she is okay with it, she is just worried about me. I asked my mom about watching "Prayers for Bobby" and she is not watching anything that will "justify" me being gay. My mom believes that the bible is the only thing we should live our lives by, I think that if I asked her to read something that is not biblical based she will think that I am justifying my ways..she really likes the word justify.. My mom doesnt believe that a man can love a man the same way that he can love a woman. She doesnt believe that two men, nor two women could ever be truly in love. Hopefully she will see one day. Thanks for all your advice. Funny thing is, she did research it, and she knows that it could be harmful, but its a risk she is willing to take "to save her son." I usually go to my friends house when things get out of hand. Thankfully I am moving out to my apartment in two weeks.
i'm sorry to hear about what you have to deal with. For one i would be ready to have to pay your own rent. And i don't know if your dad is more supportive but if he is go to him. On a side note find some literature and educate yourself about the contradictions in the bible and argue you case with her from her standpoint. Use the Bible as a source of information to show her she is wrong. I would not allow yourself to be put in a position that could be damaging to you, you deserve better than that. But really the best advice i can give you is arm yourself with some knowledge, figure out how to debate her supposed points in the bible. Ask here if she even knows where in the bible it says that men cannot love each other. There are probably plenty of books and sites that can help you develop an argument that will shut your mothers self righteous religious bigotry down. I saw someone who handles hate mail of the LGBT community using bible references. Arm yourself with information, prepare to fight it out, be ready to have to give up you cannot change anyone else's behavior. I'd also tell her you have not become anyone different than who you always where and that you have always been this way.
Sorry Bryan about what you have to deal with. You should know though, that there is nothing you can't do because you are gay. You can still have kids and you can still be married. I feel what you going through bro. But don't second guess yourself. It's hard but you can't live for anyone else but yourself. Good luck.
remember Bryan everyone here who has seen this post is cheering you on you can get through it (*hug*)
Specifically regarding the therapist, if you do go to the one she chooses, make sure the therapist knows you do not want to change, you're not interested in being "converted", etc. If he's really a therapist and not some hillbilly off the street he should understand. Also, I know it's hard for you, but do try to have an "official" sit-down with your mom and really argue with her in depth about the bible and all her misconceptions. You probably won't change her mind at first, but it's important you iniatiate the dialog. Good luck.
My advice-get your finances in order. Cut what you can possibly do without and get out from your parents' finances. Look into financial aid to help with school and stuff. Ditch the cellphone if you have to. Think about modes of transport that are not a car if your parents are paying for that. Chat with some friends about crashing on their couches if your parents yank the money for your apartment. Whatever you do, don't do the bullshit therapy stuff that your mom wants you to do, and don't let her use finances as a leash or control measure. When there's that kind of tension, you have to have a backup plan in case the money from parents stops coming, and if you do have that backup plan, they can't touch you. I know it sounds alarmist, but I also know that one can put oneself through college without parental assistance. I did it. You have to be smart with your money, you have to work for it, and it might take a bit longer, but paying your own way, being financially independent, makes you independent in many many more ways than you'd imagine. (*hug*)
