Coming out to my friend, MJM

Okay, I would just like some advice about coming out to my one specific friend. [I apologize for the extensive length]

Quick history: nice childhood; I never liked having lots of friends but always had a single male really close friend. Then, I realized I was gay when I was ~12 and it was incredibly hard on me. From then on, I became depressed for quite a while, losing my best friend of 2 1/2 years or so. Then, I did okay being kind of friends with the guys in my class; I went to a small school so there were only 6 guys in my class. I did not want to drink alcohol and still haven't. My original reasons were because I was afraid I would get drunk and then hit on some guy, which would blow my cover. So, because I didn't get drunk, I couldn't go to parties, and then I didn't have any friends or social life. In here somewhere, I reached a point of denial where I just didn't think about being homosexual at all and was pretty happy. Then, somewhere along the way I think I came to terms with it and accepted it.

History cont'd: I still did things I enjoy (like writing and playing music, etc.) and was pretty happy. Luckily, I had (and have) a brother who was (and is)close to me in age and so he was a good friend ot me. Then, I started getting bullied (by a female, no less) which was a big deal because of the small size of my school. The teachers were awful and when I reported it everything went wrong. Immediately the problem spread from the one person to all of her various friends (and siblings) in many different grades. Furthermore, one of the teachers was a friend of the student and, basically, she taught an impromptu 'bullying unit' making a joke out of the whole thing . Then, I started mysteriously failing her class (despite being the most intelligent in my class). I was pretty good friends with the guys in my class and they 'protected' me but really this just made me feel worse (I can't protect myself, lol). It got really bad and was kind of 'relational' bullying where she started to turn people against me. So, I walked with my friend to science class and then we were talking during the break and she called him over. So, he went over and I stood alone. Then, whatever she said made him very uncomfortable and he kept blushing and he wouldn't talk to me anymore. So, it was a lot of things like that. By the end of the years (I guess it was 3 years) of this, I developed a kind of social anxiety disorder.

Last year I changed schools. Initially I was so scared and horrified, but in a few days I loved it. This school was about 4x larger and very nice. There were still no people I felt I fit in with 100% but it was definitely better. All my problems were gone, my marks went higher, and I was happy again. I even started to make friends. I had convinced myself I was a twisted freak and so I had naturally assumed I'd make no friends... and was honestly surprised when I made friends with the English guys, and the people I sat with in Math and Biology. The changing schools happened just last year, btw. I am a little angry, though, because now I have to drive myself about an hour to get away from the horror at my school and go to a decent school. I don't mind the drive, but the chick (who people said were a lesbian for a while) who bullied me should've had to change schools. Overall, I've been very happy at my new school and even won gold proficiency (I had the highest average). Also, the new teachers have been amazing and even helped me to start writing poetry (which I'd wanted to but was afraid of the 'gay connection', lol).

To finish, I'm currently 17. I haven't come out to anybody in person but did come out to a random gay guy on the internet and my German email penpal, who turned out to also be gay. Those two coming outs were very good. Also, since changing schools my anxiety in public has definitely gotten better. However, I still have some problems with clothes, eating in public, and talking to more than a person or two. Right now I know that I'm gay (I've had a few times when I thought 'maybe I'm bisexual' but that was just so I could try to normalize or fit in more or something, but those thoughts were wrong) and I've accepted it. I lived in a tiny rural town my whole life and now go to a school in a small rural city. I don't know any gay people (in person)and never have known any.

Finally, on the topic at hand: At my new school there was a guy I sat by the first day in Math. He seemed kind of strange, but I don't really remember my reaction because everything was so strange with me having just changed schools. However, within a few days I was told by several people that that was MJM and he was gay. Immediately afterwards, I was frightened of it. Then, I was totally shocked because I felt like a kind of hypocrite or something: being gay and homophobic. Then, to make it up to him (myself, really), I started talking to him in math and being very nice to him.

Well, after not too long, I realized he was a really great guy. He's incredibly spontaneous and talkative and interesting. Soon, we became friends. Then, eventually, very good friends.

To describe him: his voice is 'soft', he has some effeminate gestures and some 'typically gay' gestures, he walks in a strange way (well, not 'strange'... difficult to describe really), he wants to be an interior designer, he takes dance, he dyes his hair very often, he paints, he seems generally very 'artsy', he got into a 'catfight' with a girl at school once, he likes french, he wants to live in montreal, and he does drama.

Basically, everyone said he was gay. I, at first, thought he had actually come out and it was a fact, but he never did. People just assumed. Being friends with him, people would sometimes say to me 'You konw he's gay, right!??' and stuff like that. Anyways, being his friend, I was still never sure whether he was gay or not. He never told me explicitly.

Then, I began to listen to things he said very 'analytically': He told me the girl he had a 'catfight' with said he was a "big, gay whore". Then, he said "which isn't entirely true." Now... he's very tall and thin, but certainly no big. And, I'm quite sure he's not a prostitute SO... ... Also, he would say things like 'any person I'm with has to be faithful' or something like that; I noticed that he always said 'some person' or some phrase and never used "she" or "girlfriend".

I never knew what to do about him being gay... I was never and still am not interested in him at all, though. Anyways, though, so I started referring to gay things and people and stuff a lot and incorporating little gay jokes and stuff into the conversation, just to see his reaction. He always reacted... kind of odd I'd say. But that didn't help much.

Finally, quite late in the year, one day he said "Come to my house after school, I have to tell you something." So... I knew what was coming. And I was happy about it. But, I just didn't know whether to tell him 'I'm gay too' or to act shocked, or be completely accepting and ignore my sexuality, or be completely accepting and then hide my being gay if he inquires candidly (like... if it comes up where it is very obvious that I should say that I'm gay... whether I should hide it or not). Anyways, I still hadn't decided by the time I got to his house.

He seemed agitated and he switched rooms several times until finally he told me... that he's straight. He said he knows about everyone saying he's gay and such and he doesn't like it and he's not gay. The saddest part was that he asked me what I thought was gay about him... 'cause he wanted to try to change it. He very seriously thought he would try to teach himself to speak deeper. I was very sad. I almostfelt I shoudl come out to him. But, he began to say he doesn't really like homosexuals because something seems wrong/abnormal about it. I was silent in response.

At any rate, MJM is a very open-minded person, I think. He's also pretty intelligent and everything. We've become really good friends in just a year and I think I'd like to come out to him. Originally, I wanted to because I thought he was probably gay and so then we could still 'hide together' and I would have someone to candidly talk to freely. Even about guys I thought were hot and such (I've had to fight down such thoughts for SO long!). Now, since he told me explicitly that he's gay I don't know whether I should or not. Probably it won't even be a big deal. However, if he is straight (and his emotional telling me was pretty convincing... so if he is gay, he's amazing at hiding it!) I wonder if it'll make problems.

My thoughts:
1) If he is straight, will he be more accepting because he's gone through years of being called gay... or might that have made him bitter and angry??
2) If I come out to him, might he need someone to talk to (especially because he's such a vocal/spontaneous/extravagant guy) and then tell someone who might tell someone else...
3) If he does tell the whole school, it won't be too bad because it's a bigger school. But, it's still pretty small and it's still 'kind of new' and so I wouldn't want that reputation. If worse came to worse, I would be able to simply deny it(which would be hard for me; I also happen to be a person who blushes easily) and who would people believe 'the gay guy' or the 'newer guy who's smart'.
4) Is it wrong to say to him after I come out, 'If you tell anyone, I'll deny it, never talk to you again, and then kill you.'?? Lol....
5) Is it possible that he still is gay or, maybe, bisexual??

Well, I'm sorry this was so long!!! But, please give comments as to whether you think coming out to MJM or not. Btw, my original idea for coming out was that I was going to wait until I was university: then, I'd join the university gays and lesbians club, come out, have some independence (and distance) from my family, and go to gay bars. However, now I'm getting to the point where I'm SO tired of hiding it and I hardly think it's even necessary. I am still very leery about coming out to any family members, but think that this best friend pseudo-gay guy might be a good start. And if he rejects me (very unlikely I think), I would be fairly okay with it.

So, please give comments if anybody has been able to read all of this!!! (Es tut mir Leid! Sorry!! Je suis désolé!! But, I couldn't've written it any shorter...)

 

Thanks for the feedback!!

You've both made me want to come out to him more... so, I think I probably will now. The more I think about it, the chances of me completely losing him as a friend is pretty much nil.

Btw, right now he's in Québec for the summer, so I can't even talk to him now. The last school year, I had decided I was going to come out to him but then the next thing I knew school was almost over. Then, I was busy and then there were final exams, and then my computer at home broke so I couldn't even email him. Then he was busy. Then he was in Quebec and summer had started. I was desperate to tell him before the summer started, but then I realized it was stupid to try to rush things. Then, I decided to put it up here and see what feedback I get.

Okay, a couple things:
I'm kind of worried about trusting him... because he's very dramatic. We got into a little 'fight' (lol) and he got upset that he could'nt go to my house today and then talked as if he's only being my friend because he feels sorry for me so I told him to leave me alone... and then he dramatically left. So... with his spontaneous, dramatic streak... I'm a little worried he'd tell someone.. but he's also a good friend and explicitly said 'I'm a loyal friend!' once (when talking about some other people, I forget exactly).

About denying my sexuality: Well, people have asked (mostly jokingly) before and I've vehemently denied it. It happens alot in schools, I think. I don't think it really affected me that much... now, that I'm much more open to myself, I don't think I'd be as unaffected as before but...

I don't think he thought/suspected that I was gay: because the whole school says he's gay and so I think he wanted me to know he's not. I admitted to him that the first thing I'd heard about him was that he was gay. And so I think he just wanted me to know... And I'm straight-acting (for the most part, I think) and I hear people speculating on MJM's sexuality all the time ('cause he's very 'gay-acting'). I don't think anyone thinks I'm gay (expect my brother and mother might suspect a little, I think) and one girl even tried to set me up with this other girl who had fallen madly in love with me (kept staring at me in French class... I started giving her the eye back and then started the 'maybe I'm bisexual!!' thing again... but no, I was still just gay).

Yeah, I don't think he wants it going around that we're boyfriends. Which is the reason why most people won't be his friend. I hadn't even really thought about that much, though... but that is a safe-guard against him telling other people, lol. Also, I wanted a place to stay right in the city and for a while it was going to be possible for me to live at his house... which would look really bad, though... so I'm not sure if that possibility comes up again even if I would, lol!!

Anyways, thanks a lot!! The way you two put it has made me feel more trusting of him, I guess. Overall, I think I'd like to and it probably won't be a big deal. Maybe a couple weeks into school next year.

One more thing: I don't think I want to make it a big deal (even as much as he did saying he was straight). So, just one of the times I'm at his house, if none of hte rest of his family is around I'll just tell him... if I can!! Eeh, I've never come out face-to-face before... it's so scary!! Is it probably a good thing to just nonchalantly fit it in edgewise? Or, should I only come out when our conversation turns to where it has some relevancy? Or, should I steer the topic that way...? *ugh*

Irrelevant, but I like the smilie: :eusa_booh