I don't even know where to begin. I'm just so confused and feel so alone. I've always thought I might be gay, but didn't even want to think about it. My family is extremely conservative and we've always gone to church every Sunday and Wednesday - a church that has consistently taught that homosexuality is an abomination and that all gay people were sinners who were going straight to Hell. It is because of this that I never even acknowledged my feelings, and even though I knew I liked boys rather than girls, I tried to "fit in" by pretending to like the opposite. Once I left the house and went to live on campus at college, I started to realize that my feelings weren't going away. While all of my friends were getting married, I just couldn't even imagine marrying a girl. I liked guys, and there was just no getting around it. Because of this conflict, I started to withdraw more and more, until I was so lonely. This year, I spent my birthday alone and that's when I realized that this was not healthy and I needed to be true to myself. So, to test out the waters, I joined a dating website but nothing really came of it. I talked to a couple of guys, but it was just all so frightening and new that I couldn't handle it (I was still going to the same church with the same teachings that made me feel "dirty" and "guilty"). I've switched my status on the dating website from man seeking man to man seeking woman back and forth so many times I can't even keep track of how many times. Here lately, though, I have been so unhappy and I know it's because I'm still so confused and alone. I don't have any gay friends (my area has absolutely no place to meet anybody), and so I have really no support and no one to talk to about this (hence why I'm here). I started doing some research for support groups and such, and came across some fantastic resources regarding the "homosexuality is an abomination" issue that have really opened my eyes and for the first time made me feel like I wasn't an evil person destined for hell. I've started to get more and more sure of who I am. I know I am gay and I'm actually starting to become proud of it. For so many years I was so ashamed and so guilt-ridden, that it's such a good feeling. In fact, I've been thinking about going to a gay bar sometime in the future to see what it's like. It's going to be a huge thing for me, seeing as how I've never been to any kind of bar, much less a gay bar, but I've picked one out that's far enough away that I won't know anybody and I am trying to get the courage to go. I guess that's kind of my first question for you guys, if you don't mind. What do you think? Is going to a gay bar a good first step, or am I even ready for that step yet? I'm so unsure and so nervous that I'm starting to make myself sick, so any advice will be welcome. I know this is long but I've had all of this bottled inside of me for so long that I just needed to get it out or I would explode. Thank you for reading and I look forward to your responses.
Hi Evan After reading your post it sounds as though you had to work up some courage even to write that. It is really positive that you have come onto a website like this and even though I am new to it too, I would like to give you a warm welcome. From what you said it sounds as though you have had to pent up all your feelings on your own for such a long time. This must have been difficult for you. I'm glad you have now found a way to express this side of you. You also mention that you are beginning now to feel much more proud of being gay rather than hating yourself because of what the church was saying. This sounds really good too and if I'm understanding correctly you are just trying to find ways of finding out more about other gay people too! This sounds exciting for you and I hope it works out. Have you considered trying a support group for gay people? There might be one in your nearest city? Like I said, I am new to this website too but there may be more infortmation dotted around on here and there will be loads of information on the web. Good luck and I wish you well! Mk
Hi and welcome to EC Evan. Well done for coming on and venting. Feel free to do so whenever you need to. I've been isolated before in terms of not knowing any gay people, and I definitely found joining this site and hearing other peoples stories and talking to other people really helped me, I hope it'll do the same to you. Having never been to a gay bar I don't know whether I can give you any advice. All I know is for me it seems like a huge leap to make, especially on your own. I think a support group would be something you should keep searching for, as an easy step and a chance to meet other gay people. If you're still at college do you know if that has any groups you can join Spend some time looking through the resources tab on this site, there's lots of info there and might be links to some support groups
First, (*hug*). You were very brave to admit to yourself your true feelings and for coming on here. I think you should go to a support group before going to a gay bar. Jumping into the club scene so quickly after coming out to yourself seems dangerous to me. A lot of guys are there for sex and you don't have any gay or supportive friends to go with you. From what I read, you're not ready for that. Good luck!
HI Ev and welcome. I really like Et's comment. I'm catholic, and the pastor at our parish fully supports all sexualities. I suppose each church has the same dynamic, i.e., there are nearly as many "doctrines" on homosexuality as there are pastors. My pastor, by the way, is in his 70s and has been around. He's wonderfully convincing that God loves, not condemns, us all. You will enjoy EC quite a bit, i suspect. :smilewave
Wow Sunday and Wednesday, that is a whole lotta God. :jawdrop: Look, the Bible says two men shouldn’t lay together, but there are plenty of other things Bible says also says these are abominations: Getting a tattoo Leviticus 19:28. Eating rare meat Genesis 9:3-4 Shaving or trimming your beard Leviticus 19:27 Wearing polyester, wearing material made from two animals is wrong. Look you can’t take the Bible as some strict set of rules to live you’re life by. People who use the Bible and God as tools to condemn gay people have inner hatred for gays. It has nothing to do with God, basically they are using the Mom and Dad agree with me argument.ride: And we have all been there before when we first started coming to terms with our gayness. We all know the Loneliness and exile you feel. Don’t let it drive you nuts. Try confiding a friend or like some other people have said, go to group. I started a thread called gay vs god you should check it out. If you are the kind of person who believes everything happens for a reason then concider that you may here to change your families point of view on gays. :goodluck:
Welcome to EC, Evan. My story mirrors yours a lot. I grew up only being able to listen to the Christian radio station or classical music (or a few old 70s tunes from my parent's high school days, lol), went to church weekly, and attended two church-related functions each week on the side. So, for me, coming out was a really scary idea too. I don't think I would have been able to go to a gay bar without taking some other steps first, though. That's a pretty big leap, though, if you're going to go from totally closeted to out and about at a gay bar. It would probably be best if you build up some support from friends (and eventually family) first. Do you have any friends that you think might not be judgmental about sexuality that you could talk to? Coming out is scary, but it's the best way to build up a group of friends that you don't have to feel ashamed around. Once you have some friends behind you, then try talking them into going to the bar with you. Having one or two (or more) people that YOU know at the bar will increase your comfort level greatly. My first time at the local gay bar was so relaxing because I had one of my best girl friends there with me, and we just had some drinks and enjoyed the scene. I imagine that going alone my first time I would have hid at the bar and done nothing else. Could I have gone to the gay bar before coming out? Sure. But I don't think I would have felt at all comfortable being myself at the time.
I would totally google "LGBT Resource center [your town]" or "gay [your town]", or even "gay support group [your town]" to find a place where you can finally be honest with people and make friend who have at least the same sexual orientation as you.
Thank you all so much for your advice. You are absolutely right - I think I'm just wanting so badly to feel a part of a community and have a "group" to belong to right now and the only way I thought I could achieve that was by going to "the gay bar" that I've seen portrayed so much through TV and movies and such. I'm not even a bar person! I don't drink alcohol and I've never been to a bar period, much less a gay bar. It was a crazy idea from someone who is not making much sense to himself. I probably wouldn't have gone through with it anyway. I have searched endlessly on various search engines for support groups in my area but haven't found anything yet. I will peruse this website more and see what I can find. I've done so much research these last couple of days. I've always been taught that homosexuality was an abomination, but through my research I've uncovered that an abomination doesn't even mean what I've been taught it meant - it means a ritual or ceremonial wrong, not a moral or ethical wrong. As Malachite touched on, there are other parts of that same passage that say we aren't supposed to eat shellfish or eat rabbit, etc. It's part of the holiness code that the church doesn't abide by anymore. Why haven't I been taught this? It almost makes me angry! This brings up another interesting question. Coming out. I'm at the point where I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that I'm gay. I looked at myself in the mirror tonight and told myself I'm gay, and I just smiled. It was amazing to say it out loud, even if it was just to myself. However, knowing what little you do of my upbringing, is it really necessary for me to come out to my family and the people in my church (some of whom I consider family since I've grown up with them)? Many of my closest friends I met at the church and are homophobic beyond belief. It just seems to me that if I come out right now to them, I would lose everything, and without a group of gay friends yet for support, I would have nothing. I'm no longer in college - just graduated - so I don't have any school groups I can look into for support either. I've read views that go both ways - you "have to" come out to everyone to be accepted by other people in the gay community or coming out is something you should do in your own time and it's no one else's business. Sorry again this is so long. It just feels so good to finally be able to talk about this! Thank you all for your support!
Absolutely not, in answer to your general series of questions. You can come out to as many or as few people as you feel comfortable with, and along any timeline you choose. You don't have to come out to anyone period if you don't want, although most people eventually feel a need to confide in someone over time. And you can come out to the people you feel comfortable with now and save the others for a rainy day too. I came out to my school pals and friends when I was 17/18 in high school, but I didn't tell my parents until I was 26! I felt they didn't need to know in those in-between years because I only saw them when I would visit twice monthly (we live in different towns, so it's not like I was living with them anymore). It was only after I started working for my dad that I considered telling them. And you shouldn't feel obligated to tell anyone right now either. If you don't think anyone close to you would take it well, the better result for now would be simply to not tell them. You can try to warm them up to the idea over time, though. Perhaps mention a friend (made up or real) who revealed that he/she is gay and see how they react. Perhaps even show some support for said friend and see how that goes. It's not as dangerous as saying "I'm gay" but it gets across the idea that you don't think it's the worst thing ever. Perhaps if they realize you don't care about it, they will become less uptight about it too. And then you might feel ready enough to tell them. Also, the gay community only gets upset with people who don't come out when it leads to hypocrisy in their daily actions. If a politician regularly votes anti-gay but has a gay lover, then it becomes an issue. Nobody's ever really -fully- out because you can't tell everyone in the world forever, so somebody's not going to know eventually. The important thing is to tell those who you feel are safe enough to know, work on those who deserve to know but aren't ready yet, and anyone else will either know or not along the way.
Hi there! I think you have gotten some pretty good advice and I agree with Astaroth. Not sure if you have given it a try already, but one thing that might help you in your coming out journey is perhaps joining a LGBT support group in your community (if this is an option to you). Given some of things you have mentioned, I think that having a strong support network on which you can rely on can really help. Also, most LGBT support groups also have some social events that might not be as intimidating than going to a gay bar for the first time. The great thing about these kinds of events is that you do get to know others (perhaps even a couple of people who have been in the very same/similar situation that you are facing) and expand your support network. But there is no rush in coming out. Take your time, and go with whatever you feel comfortable with. I hope this helps!
Astaroth, that is such a relief. I feel like I'm ready to know that I'm gay, but I don't think the people around me are yet, if that makes any sense. If I were to ever leave the area I don't think this would be something I would hide. I just think that my family and my friends are not ready for this yet. They still laugh and joke about gay people and call it "disgusting" and "immoral". I just feel it would be too much for me right now, so I appreciate your advice about taking it slow, and your ideas for bringing it up. Asteroid, I have searched endlessly for such support groups in my area but am having a hard time finding any. Are there any websites that could point me in the right direction (other than this one - I'm still perusing the resources tab)? I truly appreciate everyone's kind words and advice. It means so much to be able to get all of this off my chest finally. I feel a little lighter and like I'm finally on the right path (or at least starting on it). I'm going to try and search some more for a support group. I think that's the best route for me right now. Thanks again! You can't imagine how much this means to me.
Hi there! Sorry to hear about not being able to find a support group. Not sure where you are/live but maybe try the PFLAG national website www.pflag.org, where you will find a link to the various chapters across the US and/or Canada. Maybe call the chapter that is closest to you and maybe they can give you some more information which might not be available on the net. Also, a lot of related groups such as wellness programmes, and Aids awareness and support groups have links to other support groups or can give you information leading you to other support groups. Another way to meet others, would be perhaps to look for a church group that is pretty open/accepting of homosexuality in your area. This might also help in finding out if some kind of support is available where you live or nearby. Hope this helps!
Hi there, and welcome to EC!!! You've already found a friendly and supportive community - US! :smilewave I would agree with those that have already responded. Going to a gay bar right off the bat wouldn't likely be helpful. Instead, just hang out here. Read our stories. Get to know some of us. You'll find that like yourself, we're not 'evil' or imoral or disgusting. We're decent, normal people who find themselves in the situation where we prefer the company of someone of the same sex. We don't understand why. Nobody does. So continue to get comfortable with yourself. It sounds like you're well on your way. Hanging out here in EC will help with that too. It certainly helps with the feeling of isolation. Because you're not alone. We've all had the same fears and many of us came from similar situations with respect to family or church (not me, thankfully). I'm one of the moderators here, so I always welcome new members to send me a private message if you want to talk about anything privately with someone. (If you're wondering why that is, we limit the ability of newcomers to send PM messages to anyone to protect the community from predators. Once we've gotten to know you, there's a process to change your status.) But again, welcome to EC. I'm sure you'll find this forum helpful. I did. And I was in my mid 30s when I was working through what you are now. As my signature says, it's never too late to be what you might have been.
Thank you so much Jim! That means a lot to know that I have somewhere to come and get support. I just stumbled across this site and now am thankful I did. I will do as you suggest and stick around here and get to know people. That's definitely the best idea for me right now. I wasn't sure what the first step was, so I'm glad I found this place to guide me in the right direction. I am doing my best to search out a support group in my area. Until then, I will definitely take your suggestion and PM you if I need to talk. It's such a relief to know I have someone I can go to if I need to. I'm planning on having lunch with some college friends soon and I'm thinking about coming out to them then. They are the two people I can think of right now who I think would take it even remotely well and be supportive. I will let you all know how it goes - if I get up the nerve that is. I know I'm saying thank you a lot, but this just means so much to have a place to share. I'm beyond words and so full of gratitude!
You're very welcome. I stick around because EC was such a huge help to me - and I know it's a huge help to others who feel lost and alone. We have this debate in our head for some times years and haven't had anyone to talk to. Coming here and finding other people in the same / similar position is just such a relief. I'm glad you found us. (*hug*)
