keeps racing and racing ... and I just don't know what to do or how to shut it off. So much has happened this summer, I have never had so many people persecute me in the way I have. I feel as if I'm a horrible person, I feel as if my ex-best friend was right when he told me I was going to live a long and lonely life. I'm watching all my networks and contacts dwindle before my eyes. For what? For taking care of myself. For standing up for who I am and what I believe in? Its like as if I was at the very top of the corporate ladder and I stepped down. I feel like a nobody. People ask me where I see myself 10 years from now, I don't. I'm not sure if I see past 5 years at this point. Time keeps marching and it keeps dragging me unwillingly along. I don't know what to do really. I feel as if I'm that guy in dead poets society who wanted to be an actor and his father told him who he wanted him to be or who he should be. Though I have a lot of supportive people in my life and my own father isn't that way, I feel as if that father figure is metaphorically society. I'm extremely unhappy. My personal ad's on sites don't get noticed, whenever I try to email someone just to network with them, I'm ignored. I just feel so invisible .. I feel as if I'm bothering my friends with my issues and problems. I feel as if I keep having these problems I will lose them ... ugh! I just want to run away .... run away and don't look back. Where i'll go I don't know. I'm sluggish ... I can't sleep .... I can't eat .. I don't want to eat anymore. I'm unhappy with my body, I try to work out but get discouraged by others who look the way I want to look but I'll never get there. I think about plastic surgery ... I think about .. ugh .. I'm sorry .. really all this crap just goes through my mind .. that's my stream of conciousness ... seeking revenge against those who have turned their backs on me ... I'm not even sure I know what love is .. I've never been in love .. I don't think I can love ... friends cry to me about their situations and I feel numb, I don't feel any emotion ... this isn't me .. why won't it stop .. I need to shut off ... how can I get it to shut off?
Hi there! First off, (*hug*) Try not seeing it as crap what you are going through or the thoughts that you do have, because our minds work in an 'odd' way. The more you try to push the thoughts that you have away, the more angry you get, the more you let some of the things get to you, the larger they will become. I'm pretty sure that you are not invisible. So, before you do, say or think about anything else, take a deep breath and take a step back. Take another deep breath. When you do that close your eyes and sit somewhere down and just try to relax for a couple of minutes. Once you feel relaxed and have cleared your mind a little but, start looking at things that you do have going for you. Take those as a starting point to built some confidence and self-esteem. And it does not matter what it is as long as it gives you a good feeling about yourself. It can be jogging, biking, swimming, or just indulging in your favorite hobby for a little while. The positive feelings that you get from that, can help you in looking at things differently, and also make some changes. Building some self-confidence and self-esteem can also help you in accepting for who you are. I think it is good that you are working out or at least trying to get/stay in shape, but and far more importantly, at the end of the day, what really matters is that you accept yourself/body for the way it is. We look at others and take them as a yard stick, not realizing that we (you) in our/your own ways are unique and this is just the way we (you) are; not realizing that we all come in different shapes and sizes. Accepting for who you are, will take time, and a lot of effort, but you will get there eventually. Does it really matter that you don't look like the guy with all the muscles at the gym? Nope! Stopping to eat is not going to help you really. Maybe what you could do is try to follow a diet (in conjugation with regular exercise) that will help you to maintain your daily needs of vitamin/nutritional intake, but still allow you to lose some weight and/or allow you to feel better about your body/the way you look. You know that you are not going to have a lonely life. You will find someone with whom you will share your life with. You will find someone who will allow you to find out what it is like to love and be loved. Even though you feel and perhaps see that some of your friends are no longer as close as they used to, but you know what, new friends and people will enter your life. Maybe try to go to a support group meeting or visit a PFLAG chapter. We all change. And at times, these changes can bring us closer to others, but it can also create distance. Maybe it is time to rebuild your friendship network by trying to find some new friends or add new friends to your social/support network. By joining some support groups/social groups or activities in your community, you won't be having to rely on personal ad sites. I wouldn't really worry too much about it. You have tried it, and it didn't turn out the way you thought it would. Maybe try a different approach. If your friends are good friends of yours, they will be there for you. They will listen, and if they can they will help you. Talking with your friends about your problems or being at least open enough with them about some of the things you are going through shows them that you trust them and that you do value not only their friendship but also their support/advice. True friends, will stand by you. Always remember: you are not invisible, and you are never alone! (*hug*)
(*hug*) Asteroid gave a great response. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Don't try to have your whole life figured out. Those people who think they know where they'll be in 10 years are going to find out they were wrong. Those that do 'arrive' at that destination likely won't like it once they get there. My recovery work has taught me to take things one day at a time. It's actually a pretty good way to live. Don't get hung up in tomorrow. And don't dwell on yesterday. Just focus on today, and what you can do today to make yourself feel better or to improve your situation. Gay support groups would be great. Everyone is welcome, and people are there for the sole purpose of helping each other - much as we are here. Dating web sites have a whole different agenda - completely self serving. People are in it for themselves. On that note, stop and reflect on your on motives too. What are your motives? Are you in this for yourself? Quite often, what we give is what we get back. So spend more time giving of yourself in some way or another. What you'll find is that you'll meet other people that are interested in the same things you are, and you'll feel better about yourself in the process. It might be a support group, food bank, hospital volunteer, driving people to their cancer treatments... There's no shortage of opportunities. I have a terrible body image too. But again, I can only work on that one day at a time. And I get frustrated when I don't lose weight, but I have to believe that a chubby person that jogs is still more healthy than a chubby person that sits on the couch. :icon_wink Try not to overwhelm yourself with expectations of yourself and others. Try instead to accept things as they are, and work on changing the things that you can. Good luck!
Sometimes these things appear dark and hopeless - I have encountered them as well - but they do not last forever. Something comes along and helps to change the channel. You mention a lot of things that have happened to me - the truth is, sometimes friends just don't want to hear about our problems, and that's understandable. In the long-run though they do care about you and want you to be happy. I find the biggest problem remains keeping perspective on everything - I don't have a lot of advice on that, except that sometimes we have to grit our teeth and bear it. Good wishes.
