I have been feeling dreadful lately, and whilst I suppose ranting on a forum is probably not that useful, it might help slightly more than ranting at myself So as some background I have an anxiety disorder, and I’m currently in the process of working out that I’m not straight. Put these two things together and it’s not so good for me, I think. So I can’t stop thinking about my sexuality. I feel like I am going nuts. I can’t seem to find the “off switch”. I think about it so much that it hurts everywhere and I feel like I might explode. I keep going in circles. Like, I know I’m into girls but I keep thinking “what ifs”. Sometimes I feel really excited about this, and then I doubt it all again. Also, I can’t talk to people about it yet, so I feel like I am living two lives now. Sometimes I feel so horrible in my own company I feel that, surely I will lose the plot, or that something big and physical must happen soon to match how I feel. Like, I can’t even seem to cry. I just can’t breathe or relax and my head runs through thousands of thoughts per second. I can’t come up with answers to any of them. Everything makes me think about it. E.g. I see people walking, or on TV, and I try and work out if I think they’re attractive. It’s ridiculous. Did anyone else feel this awful when coming out to themselves? How can I make it stop??
well i think having somebody to talk to is very useful, i'm kinda lucky in having an amazing best friend who i can talk to, even when i don't feel like talking he'll make me, i guess its a good feeling, being able to vent all that out loud to someone. i still go through the 'what if's', like what if i am straight all along??and then what if i have told everyone i am gay, but then find i'm not? but so far i haven't miraculously turned straight, or stopped feeling like that about guys, i guess its also about how comfortable you feel in your own skin and how confident you are, coming out is difficult, but just remember that you are still you, your sexuality doesn't really mean anything.
Yep, doing the same thing myself at the moment. Its annoying as hell, yet I seem to sometimes be able to step back and laugh at the rediculousness of my thoughts as well. Sort of. Brains and thoughts and emotions are crazy. I've been doing the whole, "ok, so you like dudes, who is sexy then" thing for a couple of weeks now, and its annoying me that I haven't seen someone I find sexy. Then the questioning thing starts. Then I think of someone that I do like, and well, it all goes round and round. So I kill my brain with beer
I think this is fairly normal. But if you have an anxiety disorder, then you might be suffering more than the average person with all of this. If possible, just decide that you're gay. Get it overwith. It's done. You're gay. There's no need to question any more. Just be OK with the fact that you're gay. Decide that you're not going to debate it for another 6 months. Live your life, at least in your head, as a woman who likes other women. In the grand scheme of things, not very many aspects of your life will change as a result of this decision or frame of mind. That DOES NOT mean that you have to tell anyone. Not right now. Possibly ever. That's not the issue. The issue right now is the constant turmoil that you're putting yourself through. It isn't productive. So put an end to it. When you feel comfortable with it, and you've had nothing that happens that causes you to change your decision, then MAYBE you'll consider coming out to people. But that's for another day. Having a therapist to talk to would be a great thing. If you don't already have one, maybe you should. If you do have one, talk to them about your orientation. Good luck!
*Big hugs to you!* I know what you mean. I can't decide at the moment. It's very confusing cause when I came out I was so sure. But I didn't bank on things changing and now I'm confused as hell but my family have been so set, so to speak, with me being gay that it's kinda hard to them and say 'well I'm not sure if I like guys aswell at the moment.' I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm bi or gay and it's stressful as hell sometimes. We're all here for huggles if you need em though darlin! x
This. This, oh my god, this. I was in the exact same place as you a few months ago. I couldn't sleep, I was having horrible dreams when I did, I spent all my waking hours thinking about it (making doing my coursework a nightmare), and I was evidently visibly miserable. What changed? I went to see one of the campus psychologists at my university. I'd been on EC for a couple weeks by that point (and it was instrumental, don't get me wrong), but actually talking face-to-face with a very sweet, very understanding lady helped so much. I went four times (and then the semester ended) and I felt a lot better afterward. And you know what? She told me almost the exact thing that Jim suggested. Don't think about it, just be yourself and accept who you are (whoever that may be). Don't allow yourself to analyze every little emotion. Odds are, you just aren't going to reach a satisfactory conclusion that way. Believe me, I spent years overthinking everything, trying to determine what exactly I was. But it did me no good, because I doubted every conclusion! I'd try to rationalize everything! ("Maybe I like girls sometimes, but surely I'm still straight enough as makes no difference, right? Right? I've got to prefer men, I always have. I think.") It was like a dog chasing its own tail. I got mentally exhausted, and in the end, I made no progress. So I just stopped overthinking it. I accepted the fact that, if I've gotten to this point, and the thought of having a girlfriend makes me smile like it does, that means I'm at least bisexual. Questions still popped up, mind, but I didn't let them take over my brain. Any time I'd wonder, "Wait, am I right about all this? Am I really queer?" I decided to listen to that little tiny voice in my subconscious that said, "Actually, yes." And I felt so much better in such a short time. And as time's gone on, the questions haven't come back. I've just gotten comfortable with myself! And my family actually noticed that I was visibly happier after I did this. School felt less stressful all of a sudden, I smiled more, I started singing in the car again... The questions can be hard to shut it off. But it's so worth it. You feel so much better! And seeing a therapist of some kind helps so much. I always felt a bit like I'd gotten a few bar bells' worth of weight off my chest when I left. I'd highly recommend it (and don't be afraid to shop around if you don't end up liking the first counselor you go to). I'd say, if you've gotten to this point, where you pretty much know you're gay, even though you still have doubts now and again? You're not gonna wake up straight one day. And there's no harm in just accepting yourself as gay, while you get comfortable with the idea. I think you'll feel a lot happier if you can just say, "Yes, I am," and stop worrying so much! I hope you feel better. =) I know it's possible! You can do eet!
