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I'm probably overthinking coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by moss, Aug 3, 2009.

  1. moss

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    Title pretty much says it all...people say it all the time but I am what you would call 'straight-acting'...I'm headed into my senior year at college double-majoring in Sports Management and Communications. After that I have pretty much nothing figured out, just a bunch of rambled thoughts in my head that I can't seem to set straight.

    1) I've accepted myself and the fact that I'm gay. It took me a little while but sometime after I turned 21 this year I sat back and was like 'things arent gonna change'. You would think everyday would gradually see an increase in my comfort about my sexuality but I always end up stressing myself out more and more as the days go by. I constantly think about the future and how uncertain everything is...I've gained 30 pounds the last few months and have just not been happy whatsoever

    2) One family member knows (who is also gay) and a few friends that I have made over the internet that also know, but that is pretty much it. Right now I'm dreading the fact that my relationships with people that I am close too will probably change, and I hate that fact. I would just wait til after school is over or something but I can't be hanging around the 'gay' jokes and comments anymore. I get so aggravated hearing those kind of things and its lead to depression for me.

    I was at a party over the weekend and my friends were talking about one of their former buddies that came out of the closet...they were laughing about the fact they avoid hanging out with him since they found out. I really just started to feel like shit, i managed to put a smile on my face but its hard.

    Other friends constantly drop the 'thats so gay' etc jokes that get me really annoyed. I haven't been able to go out to bars lately because I see straight couples enjoying themselves.

    Plus then my dad is a pretty successful entrepreneur in my city, I would hate if he was picked on or anything cause he has a gay son. I don't want his business relationships to be ruined over something so stupid, and I fear as though they could be.

    3) I really feel as though if I come out of the closet and I am openly gay that it's going to affect me within the industries that I would like to pursue. Being a sport management major its really a male-dominated field and I would think people from the management side and the athletic side would be hesitant to work with someone that is openly gay. I don't wear it on my sleeve but I would feel dishonest with my co-workers and myself if I were asked 'oh are you seeing anyone/are you straight?' and straight-up lying to them. I also have been putting in a lot of time and effort to poker and while I'm starting to climb the ranks of respectability I would hate to be discriminated against just because of something that is such a small part of who I am.

    While I want to have a successful career, I feel like it's impossible to do so if I'm out.

    4) But then I have this feeling that I should come out and be an advocate for at least acceptance of gay people...I break the stereotype and feel as though it could help people realize that homosexuals come in all shapes/sizes/personalities, that stereotypes are pretty dumb. I think I at least want to get involved in the pride organization that is on my college campus, my school is small and I could possibly make an impact. But if I'm so uncertain about the reception ill receive from my peers I feel as though I should wait a little while before taking a step like this...


    I guess it just comes down too I am absolutely petrified of the reception I might receive. All of my friends are straight and while I don't want to ruin the relationships I have, I can't stand being in the closet anymore. I've reached the point where while I don't want to lose the friendships I have, I'd rather be alone and start from scratch out of my closet than being tormented inside if I'm not accepted by them.

    Sorry for the blog post and how standard everything is that I am complaining about. I'm gonna make the attempt to come out to parents/close friends before I head back for school in September...so I do have about a month. After my parents/close friends/close family know I don't really care who knows anymore...it's just getting it out to them and letting them know I'm the same person before I told them...
     
  2. 71390S

    71390S Guest

    (*hug*) First of all welcome to the group!

    I am not the best at advice, but it seems you know you will come out to people besides yourself, and have to confront all of these fears. It's just a matter of it happening sooner than later, imo. I think it's great that you realize by coming out you can shed a lot of light for people on homosexuality & being a gay person. And by entering a macho male dominated field contribute to creating a more gay friendly atmosphere not just for sports management but atheletes as well. Wow, long run on sentence :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:. Whenever I feel insecure about being out, I think of all those who came out before me and paved the way (like Harvey Milk!)

    As for your friends, that really sucks :frowning2:. That's awful they would drop someone for being gay - I would hope they would not drop you because of that, but if they do, good riddance. Keep us updated on how things go, this forum is awesome ^_^
     
    #2 71390S, Aug 3, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2009
  3. Astaroth

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    Friends who laugh behind the backs of others that think they're friends with aren't friends at all. They're insecure hypocrites who are playing a two-faced game. If they're already talking bad about another friend that came out, you pretty much know something of what their reaction is going to be. And you also pretty much know you can't count on them for anything resembling trust. So, if they are what's keeping you in the closet, it'd probably be for the best to just risk it and possibly lose them. If they're true friends, they will stick by you. And if they aren't, the worst case is that you lose some friends for the remaining short while of your college life before everyone moves away anyways. Most people don't stay in touch with probably half their friends within a few years of college (aside from maybe a Facebook friend-add or something), so that might be a little consolation.

    You're right in that just because a field is male-dominated doesn't mean that it will change with you being there. You're male, aren't you? It'll still be male-dominated. It will just have a touch more tolerance and respect afterward. I'm sure there will always be the occasional gay punchlines, but that's where being out is such a great thing. People are much-less apt to make fun of something if there's someone who represents that thing in their circle of friends/associates.

    You seem to be at the point where being out is better than being in. That's a pretty classic sign that your mind is telling you "knock knock, time to just deal with it." Coming out is scary, but it's also temporary. People will get used to the idea. Reactions may be varied, but most people will be back to normal around you in very short order. Just remember that you come out for yourself and your mental well-being. You can't help what people might say to your dad if they find out, but it would be a great shame to repress yourself based on some chance occurrence. Most people won't fault a parent for having a gay child. If anything, they'll commiserate or take it easy on the parent.

    Hope that helps in some way.
     
  4. Totoro

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    Welcome to EC :slight_smile:
    I think that you should stop thinking about what others think of you. You are petrified of the image people make up of you, but that doesn't mean you are this person.
    Friends don't laugh behind each others' backs, they don't lose your friendship because you are homosexual or what not. They aren't truly your friends if they won't accept that small part of yourself. (and i bet you've heard it a dozen times, but it's true)
    I know this may sound bad to say but, I believe in such a case, it would be best to think about yourself, and how you feel, before thinking of others.
    I'm not quite sure about the hole male-dominated field, but I'm pretty sure that there must be another gay guy in the field. And otherwise I'd take into considerations what the others have said as to this situation.
    Thinking too much about things can be bad- Sometimes you should just wing it >;P and see what happens next, regardless.

    Hope this may have at least helped you in some way :wink:
     
  5. Filip

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    Hi and welcome to EC!
    No need to apologise about the length of your post. I thought it was a very good post in explaining your situation and your thoughts about it. And no situation is a standard situation! Everyone has their own circumstances and their own feelings on the matter!

    Now, as Astaroth said, being at the point where you feel keeping inside is no longer an option generally means it's a good moment to start coming out. Otherwise you'll only end up stressing yourself out.

    Worrying about the future is normal. And it can be a big existential fear, especially if you try to overlook your entire future, from friendships to long-term career planning, and from next week to age 40 all at once. Doing that never ceased to make me sick when I was in college. But what always helps for me is to break it down into discrete steps. The road to being out isn't different in this regard.

    Being out isn't a yes/no proposition. You can do it in steps. I’m open enough about being gay, but I usually just wait until it comes up naturally. Which means there’s still some people that I’m not out to.

    Friends as a group can be very intimidating, and they tend to engage in homophobic remarks. But I believe that in most cases, homophobic remarks are a kind of bonding ritual. Many do not really mean what they say, but go along with it as a means to say "I'm one of the guys". It's nasty, but it does mean you should be less intimidated by that. Instead of coming out to the group, you could come out to one or two of the group that you get along with the best. You can ask them not to out you until you have had the opportunity to come out to the others. That way you can build a support network of people that will support you, even if there are a few true homophobes there. Of course, there's always the risk of friends turning against you, but that proves they weren't friends in the first place. and in a disaster scenario of the entire group turning their backs on you, you just need to find another group, because hanging out with the homophobes further would have made you miserable anyway.

    Same with coming out to family. Is your gay relative out to the rest of the family? Perhaps he/she could help you in coming out too. And if you’re really close to some (and they haven’t totally been brainwashed), they’ll probably not change their attitude towards you all that much. It will be different, because they know, and you know they know. But it won’t necessarily be worse. Probably your dad won’t get in trouble over you being gay. People didn’t come to him for his straight son, and they probably won’t shun him for a gay son. And keeping in the closet to help others is a nice sentiment, but you have a right to be happy too!

    Coming out at work is a trickier subject. And not one I’m the right person to comment on, probably. I’m not exactly out at work, nor am I exactly in. I’m pretty sure some people have their suspicions, but they never asked me outright, and to date the subject never came up in a way that made me want to make it explicit. Perhaps the nerdy world of science is different from the world of sports and communication (though don’t underestimate the amount of homophobia in scientist types! The world of science is pretty male-dominated too...). I’m guessing that you should go about it casually, affecting an “I like guys romantically, so what?” attitude. But that’s still more than a year in the future, so no need to worry about that now.

    I hope that my ponderings were of some help. In any case, we’re always here to help further however we can!
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place for sure. And if you've figured out as much as you have without hanging out here, then it won't be long before you have a plan in place now that you've found this community.

    Yes, there are pros and cons to coming out in related to all the scenarios you've talked about. But in the end, the one thing that will be a constant in your life is that you're gay. Your job opportunities may or may not be there, but you'll always be gay. So you might as well deal with that.

    And the only person that you're going to have a relationship with for the rest of your life is you. So be happy with yourself. Like yourself. Be comfortable with yourself. And in my experience, that didn't come until I was out to those that are close to me - my friends and family.

    Luckily (unluckily) I didn't figure out that I was gay until I was in my 30s. I had a career established and a solid reputation behind me before I had to contemplate coming out at work. And I haven't yet, but likely will soon. But I can see your concern, if you're just starting out in a career that isn't gay friendly.

    But I also share your conviction that things won't get any more "gay friendly" unless we educate people. And provide them with examples of gay and lesbian people that don't fit this stereotype that they carry around. So I'm with you there. I have to come out for people to start understanding what it really means to be gay.

    That doesn't have to happen on any specific schedule though. Only one that is right for you.

    All the best. And again, welcome to EC! I'm sure you'll find this place extremely helpful. I did.
     
  7. seadog

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    Hi Moss - Glad you are hear. Loved hearing about your struggles. Just cuz I can relate to them so well. Sorry you have them to shoulder, tho. Let us know how the next step in your journey goes. matt
     
  8. xequar

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    Come out. Your post tells me that you're ready.

    As far as friends and family and relationships go, you'll find out who your true friends and family are. They'll be the ones that stick with you. The false friends will be the ones that bail out. Same for family. If you can't stick together and take care of each other, you ain't a family. Genetics does not a family make.

    As far as work-be honest now. It'll save you a whole lot of issues later. Most corporations have pretty strong anti-discrimination policies in place now, but more importanty, most places encourage diversity. I'm 100 percent out at work, and I can talk about my boyfriend and our lives just as comfortably as the straight people can. At the very least, if you're out and open and honest, you'll never have to worry about making a misstep or accidentally letting something slip or someone trying to undermine you by outing you.

    And, if you start at a new job, there's no work to coming out. Just be out and let it settle out naturally. When everyone's gathered around the coffee pot talking about their weekends, don't hesitate to mention your boyfriend. You'll invariably go places and do interesting things, and if you just say that, "I went to Vermont for a long weekend," you'll invariably be asked with whom you went. Conversely, if you say that, "Mike and I went to Vermont for a long weekend," then that's it, and it's just a part of your life.


    One of the previous posters said that there are upsides and downsides to coming out. I disagree. I find that knowing your true friends from the false friends is a positive thing (and I was very fortunate that I had true friends). You might face a bit of discrimination here and there, but really, if a business doesn't want to work with you, it's their loss. If a person hiring discriminates, it's probably not the greatest place to work anyway. And, if you're confident in yourself and prepared to handle whatever comes your way, you'll always win at life.

    Good luck!
     
  9. moss

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    I appreciate all the comments...I think it is time for me to be more selfish and look out for what I think is good for me right now, while I am always worried about others needs and wants (being the oldest of 10 will do that to you), I think at this point I need to put myself #1.

    I do care about what other people think about me way too much too, I need to let that go. I've developed that attitude about caring what other people think too much for awhile and I don't really know why. If people can't come up to talk to me because of a pre-conceived image of me or something, I probably wouldn't like them as a friend anyway.

    Hopefully things go well in the next month or so, like I said it's time for me to come out and I have given myself until Labor Day to do so, it's gonna be a rough month I think but I can't stay closeted anymore.